Busy, Busy, Busy

Lotsa gigs, lots to keep me busy. It's a good thing, even if my sleep is suffering. I also worked Greek Fest last night, 4-11pm. Was a pretty sedate shift, more than usual actually, and I ate my usual fave Greek Plate AND had some of that killer Greek ice cream w/crushed baklava on top!

Leo, George and I had a quick rehearsal today at 11, then I had to come do the 1/2 shift at Job #1 from 1-5. We play a private party tonight that should be fun since we're getting paid and we get all the food/drink we can keep down. Love these kindsa gigs.

Meanwhile I am busy gigging with Paul, of course we have our regular Tues and Weds night gigs. Last Tues was legendary as him, me and Chopper ended up drinking in the bar til like 6am, then we had to go upstairs to the bar owner's little apt area and we CRASHED. It was so much freakin' fun and I am definitely putting in my time bonding w/my new bandmates! Oh lawd I got like 2 hrs sleep then had to rush off to work (keeping in mind that bar is also a good 40-min drive from my house) and then we played that Weds night of course. Owwwww....

But I'm having fun, I hafta admit, though my program work is taking a back seat to all of this and I have had some slips here and there on some bottom lines that I'm NOT proud of. Sigh. Well, it took me over 30 yrs to become a sex and love addict so it's gonna take me some time to get it under control. The sex addict part is actually the easy part--it's like alcoholism or drug addiction, you just DON'T FREAKIN' DO IT. Very easily defined. It's my love addiction that is slippery, also my addiction to affection/attention, especially from men. That's where I keep slipping although I am proud that I am able to catch myself in the act of slipping. The awareness thing is most of the battle, truly.

Praying a lot these days, usually at lunchtime every day. Mostly for Leo. He starts chemo tomorrow. His CaringBridge site is here.

Horrified...but Hopeful

Leo was admitted to the hospital on Sunday w/"liver failure", so our rehearsal was cancelled. I went on Tues to see him, as he was in St. Luke's right down the street from Job #1. He told me they found a growth blocking his bile duct (I think) so they put a stent in and did a biopsy. We were to get the results of the biopsy on Weds. Apparently with chronic pancreatitis, as he has, cysts are very common and since he was just hospitalized in April w/pancreatitis I figured that's what was going on here. I found it hard to believe a cancerous tumor could grow that fast.

I was so wrong. On Weds. we found out Leo has Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. This is the worst possible diagnosis and now that I have done my research on the subject, PC is knows as a "silent killer" as it grows fast and there is no diagnostic test for it. Stage 4 is inoperable--in fact, only the early stage is operable but it is rarely found that soon. All they can do is hit it with the hardest chemo hits possible, so they will begin chemo next Weds. I went and saw Leo again yesterday and he was supposed to be discharged after they inserted a chemo button in his chest.

We are going to do our gig tomorrow; Leo is determined to do it and it will help take his (and our) minds off things. As far as the rest of the Saturday gigs in October we will just have to wait and see how Leo feels, mostly. A lot of people are coming out as the news has spread fast. I for one have been very distracted and finding it hard to concentrate but I still promised Paul I'd play the gig fine on Weds. and that did go all right. It was a fun gig/bday party and a good crowd. In fact Paul asked me to join his band permanently and I said yes. Then he, Chopper and I went out drinking and went to Chopper's pad for beer, smokes, and music and I didn't get home til 6am. You gotta bond w/your bandmates!

People are texting me and sending me FB messages saying they're sorry about Leo. I have asked everyone to pray hard and often. I am doing the same. I am trying to work my program and hand my worries about Leo over to God and Jesus. I did get some nice advice from a friend today to tell Leo to get a veggie juicer and veggie it up! So I am going to just go buy him a veggie juicer tonite after Job #2. I feel so helpless and this is what I can do for him right now. And pray.

Talks of a benefit for Leo are already underway. I saw that Jon had the nerve to offer to help (after all the shit-talking he's done about Leo's playing) but I don't care. I'm not going to waste my time being angry or bitter at anyone. Today a hater sent me a FB msg saying she wanted to extend an olive branch and hoped I would accept. Of course I did, and responded as much. She sent me a friend request and I accepted. I just want to focus on peace and love and goodness and hope. I slept 9 hrs last nite instead of going out and I'm not sure I feel up to going out tonite. I want to spend time with my cat and rest up b/c I am scared I don't take as good care of my body as I should and yes, Leo's situation is a wake-up call. I think I should stay home tonite, rest, journal, work on my program readings, cry if I need to, pray, and get a good night's sleep as tomorrow is a long day.

Lotta Giggin'

Man, I have just become so BUSY lately w/gigging and it's sooooo great. It makes me happy and although it makes me exhausted I am also excited and having a great time and got butterflies in my stomach and it's just good for me. I love love love playing w/Paul and "Chopper" (formerly known in this blog as LDB aka Little Drummer Boy) and they are in bassist audition mode right now but I don't care, I've been playing with them for 2 weeks now and I played last night with them, will play on Saturday night with them, and on Sunday night. It's so fun and I just love the heck out of them and I hope they like my bass playing too but of course I'm not that sure so we'll just see. I'm really just enjoying it while it lasts.

Meanwhile I gigged w/Leo last Sat., and have Saturday gigs w/him every Saturday in October except for the 29th. This is fun too, just b/c it's fun to get onstage and I'm really liking what Leo is doing lately, guitar-wise. George is the same as ever so that's a given and I'm just gonna have to work with that.

I don't know what my musical future is after the Paul and Leo gigs are done. I am still rehearsing w/J.Fu on Sundays and we've done a few open mic's and we're really getting our set list solid and down, so I guess that's what will happen, we'll start gigging with our duo act and that'll be great too. It's just that we're starting from scratch and so it'll be some work to get those first gigs booked, but I just hand it all over to God and Jesus and let them get 'er done.

Still working my program as much as I can, in my limited conscience time but I know I need it b/c being onstage and gigging and being surrounded by men and men musicians is QUITE triggering. I've been doing ok though I accidentally slipped and flirted last night for a brief second, dammit. Also it was not good to be in the hotel room at 1am on Sun morning of my friend from college, a drummer who tours with Frankie Valli (yes THE Frankie Valli) but I was only there for 45 min and then got the hell out. Of course he sent me some flirtatious texts as I was leaving but I just responded politely and got home safe and sound.

My aunt told me that Jon told my uncle he made a mistake and wishes he could get back together with me. That makes me feel nothing really, not even numb. I just don't want anything to do with him anymore. I want to work my program, get healthy, work on me, and then let God bring the right person for me when it's time.

Looking forward to the gig tonite though I'm a tad nervous b/c it'll be recorded, audio and video, and there's still some parts of the songs I just don't have DOWN yet. Some of the songs are complicated and I have to have charts and I've been studying and studying them on YouTube and even bought 1 on iTunes but I just need to keep playing them and playing them. Oh well, Carol Burnett said you always need to be a little nervous before performing. I just pray that I will do my best, that's all I can ever do.

KILLER Labor Day Memphis Wkend. Killer!

Wow, what a great time in Memphis last Thurs-this Mon with Catyaq. Hot. Damn! I packed a lotta living into 5 fun days! And it was SO great to get away. Just what the head Dr. ordered. In short I:

Thurs: Was whisked from the Little Rock, AR airport (b/c Southwest doesn't fly to Memphis--what!) to my friends' gig in Memphis at a great little place not even that far from Catyaq's house! We had fried cheese, fried mushrooms, I drank 4 Crowns and Diet Coke (hey I sweated most of it out!) and sat in twice, sang, the whole shmear. I met tons of people, made tons of new friends, tons of pic's were taken, I handed out my business cards left and right, people said they'd put me to work in Memphis and I am praying they do!!!

Fri: Slept late, ahhh, then Catyaq picked me up for lunch and we grubbed seriously at the Flying Saucer. She dropped me off at Target so I could buy some necessities and I had a nice walk from Target around the corner back to her house. I went to the pool and she later joined me when she got off work. Then we went to Wild Bill's juke joint, a totally fun and awesomely down home place! It was the real deal! I got to sit in with the house band, the Soul Survivors, including Archie Turner, Cyndi Lauper's keyboardist on her latest blues album tour!!! We were there til 3 a.m.

Sat: Slept late, ahhh, then I wanted to go eat at Gus' World Famous Fried Chicken as my Houston blues peeps that are in the know have RAVED about it. We had to wait a damn hour but it was quite worth it. Oh quite. Cheap food, hot and plenny of it! W/brownie ala mode after! And a souvenir take-home tumbler to go (I LOVE those things)!
Mosey'd on over to nearby Beale St., walked up and down, took in the sights, took pic's, did some souvenir shopping (I got a cheesy flying-V lighter, yuk yuk) plus my requisite fridge magnet, then it was time to cool off w/drinks at the Peabody hotel lobby bar. It was tres elegant! They brought us snacks and we had wine and it was DIVINE.
Ended the evening on Beale at Silky O'Sullivan's where I drank something called a Silky's cupcake or a Beale St. cupcake or sumpin, but we had to leave b/c the band, while great (including a 7-string bassist!) was totally cover-bandy and cheesy and I couldn't take it after having experienced the pure and beautiful blues rawness of Wild Bill's the night before! B.B. King's had the same cheesiness factor although we did befriend a bartender there. So then we actually headed out and were home by close to midnight which was fine b/c I was ready to just lie down and rest, get some beauty sleep.

Sun: Slept late, ahhh, and it was a rainy, much cooler day. We attempted to eat at the Rendezvous but it's closed on Sun's and Mon's so we went to Blues City Cafe instead which had great ribs! Then we went to Sun Studio, where I'd never actually been (only been outside and it was closed due to inclement icy/cold weather when I was there w/my ex, M., in 2002)! Oh, what a great time. They have a buy 3-get 1 free t-shirt deal, so since I had to buy 3 t's for people mine was essentially free! Being in the studio was amazing. We took tons of pic's natch. It felt holy in there. AWESOME.
Then I actually got to attend a Memphis SLAA meeting, my 1st co-ed but it was fine. I was grateful for the opportunity, believe me.
We wanted dessert after my meeting so we went to Mud Island, specifically the Cafe Eclectic so I could have a cupcake and an apple cider w/whipped cream! We were on our way to West Memphis to see my friend's gig at the Greyhound racetrack, yuk yuk! I hate to gamble but I was convinced to sign up for a free $20 gaming card ("Hey, it's free money!") so I did and after several games I ended up winning a total of $23 on the penny slots so I stopped there, bought 1 drink, then we left after our friends' 1st set in search of fried cheese. We went back to Memphis and tried the Buccaneer but it was just a bar, so we ended up at Huey's where there was a decent blues band playing and most importantly--they had killer fried cheese AND tato skins on the menu! Grub time!!! I asked the band if I could sit in and they were friendly to me, saying "maybe", but after waiting 2 sets it got to be extremely freezing inside the restaurant and Catyaq and I ended up first going outside w/our drinks, then just taking off with them, getting in the car, turning the heat on, and going home! Yuk yuk!

Mon: Got up early to pack and go eat at the Arcade Restaurant, where Jim Jarmusch filmed a scene from one of my fave movies, Mystery Train! We grubbed HARD: chicken fried steak w/eggs and hot chocolate. I took a pic across the street in front of what I believe to be the hotel in the film (will have to confirm but pretty sure), then we headed to the Stax Museum. Boy, if I thought Sun Studio was awesome, Stax also made me equally emotional. It was a beautiful experience I had there as well. Many many pics taken! Then, it was time to drive back to Little Rock so I could catch my 4:30pm flight home.

Whatta weekend. I would love to consider Memphis to be my new home away from home, and with Catyaq's 2-bedroom apt., it is the perfect setup too! I can't wait to return. I have no free weekends until November, but I would love to return again before the end of the year.

Had a great time this past Weds. night, I got called at the last minute to play w/my friends (incl. LDB) at their weekly gig at the Continental Club and although we played to 10 1/2 people, I loved being onstage and we had lots of fun and I got free drinks and my friend took tons of pic's w/my iPhone. After that we ran over to an open mic and I did 3 of my new songs and I killed there! So much fun!

Tonight I'll be going to see Papa Grows Funk and that will be a killer good time w/Bon. (In fact we, meaning my friends I gigged w/on Weds., ALMOST got the opening set gig tonite! Oh well, maybe next time!) Gettin there early for dinner--mmmmm, cheese enchiladas!

Hoo-Ah. I Need a Drink

I've been feeling pretty good, I hafta say. Decent weekend, seeing glimpses here and there of peace, serenity, even happiness at times which is huge. Dealing with things, people, conflict in a more peaceful way, not raging as much and I feel a lot of my old bad destructive habits and outlooks slipping away, slowly but surely. However today I am just feeling blah again. I led the SLAA meeting on Sunday, my 2nd time and my topic was "balance" b/c that is something I've been struggling with. Big huge surprise, it was a difficult topic for most of the women to share on! There was big silence several times! That's b/c as addicts we are unfamiliar with living a life of balance, we are very black and white and extreme. It was funny sad. But I know I need to strive for more balance and am determined to do so.

Tonite JFu and I will return to the open mic we went to last week. It was pretty cool, nice vibe, laid back, not a huge crowd but JFu just needs to get re-accustomed to performing live and this is an acceptable way to get her to do so for now. Hopefully my SLAA GF/neighbor will meet us up there, the more the merrier. (She has to meet w/a sponsee tonite so can't come with me, as she did last week.)

No word from Enor still and today makes 1 week. I don't really care. It kinda concerns me but whatever, she's not my problem. I still wish I had more female friends and am working on that, though I've pulled away from some of the SLAA girls b/c some of them just seem too... and I'm sorry to say this, but damaged. I mean, I'm damaged too but I don't have to deal w/shit like eating disorders, alcoholism, and drug abuse. One of the women I was becoming close to but she shared on Sunday how uncomfortable and triggered she was on Sat night when they all went to dinner and one girl was talking about how yummy her wine was. Well, if it makes her uncomfortable for someone to be drinking around her, and I love to drink, well, I'm not sure I want to hang around her anymore b/c I'll be worrying about triggering her. I just wish there were more SLAA women like me, a little more balanced, know what I mean?!?! And I'm still not balanced but I'm a lot more balanced than a lot of these women.

I had a great time on Sat night ALL BY MYSELF. I had to turn around en route to Luling b/c Tito J got sick and I went to Sealy for BBQ at Hinze's, where I'd only been once before w/Jon and Bear. So I decided to make Hinze's BBQ a new memory for me, all about me, MY new memory and I had a great dinner in the same room we sat in last time. Took 2 desserts to go. Then I went to Katy Mills Mall where I'd never been before, again to create a new memory for myself. I walked the whole mall and scored some KILLER deals and had a very enjoyable time being anonymous in a new mall and peacefully doing some shopping but not spending much $ as it was tax-free weekend and the sales were out of this world. I have to say--it was actually FUN, just spending time with myself on a Sat night. New for me. But fun.

Going home to Scotty Star now, will play w/her and then head out to play some music.

Crying=Getting Out the Toxins!

That's what my therapist says. It does feel good to cry and Lord knows I've been doing it pretty much every day. I'm reading lots of addiction/recovery books and something has crossed over in me where I feel so much empathy for these fucked up sick people for the 1st time in my life ever and frequently their stories make me burst out in tears. I guess b/c I have finally realized I'm a sick addict myself.

Anyway, this week has gone ok. Stayed home Mon. nite which I am still getting used to--staying home and enjoying my home/cat/household duties and projects/solitude--well I am not so much enjoying the solitude b/c I'm still not 100% used to it--but I do know it's good for me to rest at home and it's been fun to watch Scotty Star play and get hyper and I am now letting her out on the patio under my watchful eye. So far the fence is too high for her to jump over and as long as she stays off the tree she should be ok. She is getting bigger though! Her tail seems longer to me, her little face is growing into her ears, and she weighs more, I can tell!

Tues. was strange b/c both my most recent ex's had gigs that night and my open-mic w/JFu was cancelled b/c she got sick over the weekend. I took advantage of the evening and practiced, but then realized I wanted to get out and play so I went to the Tuesday night jam, which I haven't been to since last year. A SLAA girlfriend even met me there and I was so tickled she came out to support me!!! It was a slow night for jammers so I played and sang 4 and then played on 3 others! Then I went home, happy I got it all out of my system.

Weds. night I was actually happy to rest at home, though I had to work on my sheriff Personnel file which took over 2 damn hours. Glad I got the bulk of that work done though.

Last nite I went to the SLAA meeting and met w/my sponsor afterwards and I am excited to say I have finally (after a month of hard work) finished Step 1. I can collect my Step 1 chip on Sat at the morning meeting! I cannot wait to tackle Step 2, which I hear is a LOT easier than Step 1. I got no problem with my higher power, and have nicknamed him "Jesus" pronounced like the Spanish version (Hey-seuss). I pray to him all the time these days, believe me. Then I went home to chill and watch my DVR'd Project Runway but Rozzy called me and invited me to dinner and I took him up on the offer, especially when he offered to come to Outback Steakhouse by my house. We had a great steak and shrimp dinner and I had 2 Crown and Diet cokes and he treated, which was so nice of him. I got home, full and happy and just in time to get into bed.

In fact, I am soooo excited b/c he says we should start a blues trio, him on guitar and me on bass!!! I. Would. LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll be getting together this Sun so I can show him the songs I already sing. I am also rehearsing w/JFu earlier that day and I am excited about a day of musical fellowship. I need it, boy.

Today I rode my bike to work all by myself and I was a tad nervous about it, but I was determined to just do it carefully, take my time, and be as safe as possible. I had a mishap where I jumped a curb and the chain slipped off but I just remained calm, prayed my ass off, and somehow managed to figure out how to get it back on and continue my ride. I prayed "Thank you Jesus" over and over again and now realize there will be no more curb-jumping for me!

Tonight there is really nothing going on that is exciting me too much, so the plan is to ride home, shower when I get home as I'll be DRIPPING sweat in this 102 degree heat, have a banana split for dinner and my leftover steak from last night, and go shoe shopping as I need some cool, open-toe elegant sandals for work. Home to Scotty Star and will catch up on DVR watching and reading and rest. SLAA meeting 1st thing in the morning, as is my Saturday morning habit now.

Things Are Progressing

As I stated previously, I have been spending time journaling as part of my recovery process. I have a "12-Step" notebook. The 1st part is the Step work and the latter part is my journaling; so I've been a bit scarce here in the blogosphere. But things are progressing slowwwwwwwly but surely they are progressing. I got asked to lead the meeting this past Sat., my 5th anniversary of starting the program! I was very nervous but I knew I needed to give it a shot. My topic was "withdrawal" (since I'm very much in the throes of withdrawal) and the process of it, the gifts people have received from it, etc.

It was a miracle that I got asked b/c literally 20 min. after the phone call asking me to lead the meeting came it, I was sitting w/my SLAA text and my 12-step meditation book on my lap--neither of which I'd looked at in 3-4 days b/c I'd been busy reading my library books--and a text came through on my phone. It was from "Avoidant Asshole" and you can guess who that is. It stated, "He's gone..." and I knew from my past peeking at his FB page what it was referring to, and that is the death from cancer of his beloved cat who was fond of sleeping on me when we went to visit him.

God had stepped in. God had put the SLAA text on my lap when that text came in. I felt sad, sorrow for the loss of the cat, sadness for the Avoidant Asshole, and then I felt furious anger!!! Anger that the A.A. had the fucking NERVE, the GALL, to reach out to ME to garner sympathy like I'm his fucking FRIEND, or something?!?!?! I cried, cried, cried, but instead of responding to the text, I immediately called my sponsor. When she didn't answer I began calling other women in the program, and none answered. Finally one of them called me back and she got me through it. She said I am NOT a selfish bitch for not responding, and told me about Psalm 103. She said I don't owe him an explanation, EVER. It's our codependent addict that feels like we have to explain ourselves to people. She also said that if I were to respond to the text and make contact w/him it would be like sticking the heroin needle back in my arm since I'm in withdrawal from him and my love addiction. (And I had been doing so well at not peeking at his FB page anymore b/c every time I did I would be sad/teary the rest of the day, so I'd finally decided to STOP doing that to myself.)

I realized that him sending me that text truly shows what a selfish, heartless prick HE is, since when he broke up w/me he left me and MY loved ones, i.e., my extremely sick mother. He doesn't give a shit about me and my loved ones, why should I give a shit about him and his loved ones??? Another woman called me later and pointed out that he was selfish with me our entire relationship, so now it's MY turn to be selfish. My sponsor called me and said that he sent that text b/c he lives in his ego. Another woman told me that "One man's selfish is another man's self-care" and I was doing the right thing for myself by not responding. These women got me THROUGH it, boy.

The major thing I want to point out though, is that I truly, honestly did NOT want to respond to him. I am 100% committed to myself now, through this program, and I have suffered 6 weeks of withdrawal HELL. I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to go BACKWARDS now. I can only keep progressing. Or I'm going TO DIE. Seriously. I have no choice to but to save myself now. Which now that I've written that down, I have to say, it's a little comforting b/c when you have only 1 choice in life, you don't have to think about anything but doing that one thing.

I still cried for an hour or so, but then I went to my pre-planned "Cousin meeting" at the teahouse w/my brother and 2 cousins. We try to do this from time to time to catch up and maintain communication and familial bonding. It was a good time w/them, even if I did have to wear my sunglasses the whole time so they wouldn't see I'd been crying.

Today I read in my SLAA text this sentence: "We realized in order to maintain sobriety it was necessary to be a jerk." I hate to think of myself as a "selfish jerk", but I know what they mean. Especially since I've spent my whole life as a codependent, it's time to think only of me for once.

I had a good weekend, led the meeting on Sat., spend Sat. afternoon watching Tom and Jerry cartoons, then went to the pool, then to Star Pizza for dinner w/the girls, then to Target w/a couple of the girls. Sunday was a little tough b/c I returned to the Big Easy for the 1st time for a major event which was Big Walter's 97th bday party and I had to take a 1/2 valium beforehand in the desperate hope that would keep me calm enough to not break out into hives and faint. It was fine though, and I saw some nice people and had a yummy beer and got some nice hugs, and was there for less than an hour before having to leave for the Sunday afternoon SLAA meeting.

Much Needed Mental Health Day Today

I really, really needed it. God knows I did. And although it's only evening and I sit here at Job #2, today really, really helped. Huge sigh of relief b/c I really had no choice--the way things have been going lately--but to take some time to just freakin' BREATHE.

Today I was able to sleep in a little bit, then hung up some clothes and put away some laundry, then I hung my painting ("Big Pink") that I got for playing a gig last winter that's been just sitting in the corner of the living room, and I played w/Scotty Star a bit. Then I went to the pool, where I blissfully had it all to myself and I floated in the water on my lounging float, worked on my tan and read my library book (_Sex on the Moon_), allowing myself to take a damn break from all my SLAA/Recovery/12 Step reading for once. Took a shower and then hopped on my bike "Lightnin' Hop'ons" to take an adventurous bike ride to a local bike shop. That's b/c, although I was unable to go to dinner w/everyone last night after our monthly sheriff meeting (since they returned to the restaurant we always go to and it's in you-know-who's neighborhood and I'm still feeling unable to return there w/out feeling sad and anguished), God threw me another couple bones at the meeting by 1. Letting me WIN a $50 American Express gift card!!! and 2. Making the meeting over way sooner than usual!!! So I went to the bike shop to buy some much-needed supplies: a tire pump (on sale!), a lock, and a storage pouch. AWESOME.

Then I went home and had a homemade banana split for lunch--even had whipped cream and cherries in my fridge! And now I'm here at Job #2 for a bit. Will swing by the Borders on the way home since they're going seriously out of business and perhaps buy this codependency book I saw recently. Since it's true that I have made the realization that I am a total codependent (as all Love Addicts are) and yes, I am totally ready to work on that aspect of my dysfunctionality, including seeing a new therapist this coming Thursday so we can start whipping my ass into shape.

Meanwhile, I am just trying to avoid men as much as possible, except for my brother and other safe men, like Tito J. However, most men are not, in fact, safe, as the ones that are even my closest friends have ulterior motives and would corrupt me if they could and I simply cannot have that in my life anymore b/c it's just NOT HEALTHY. I had some frustration last week when I went to the blues jam on Thurs. night and Rozz showed up b/c I made the mistake of happening to mention I was going to be there. And I just wanted to be left alone and hang out w/Bon, and not be distracted by any freakin' men. Then Fri was even more annoying as I went to the Gourds/Doyle Bramhill concert and Phillipo showed up b/c I made the mistake of posting that event on my Facebook page. And I just wanted to be left alone w/Enor and Bon and not have Phillipo be following me around like he always does. Jesus!!!

Sat. night I did a bunch of stuff during the day and then had dinner w/one of my new SLAA girlfriends. I am somewhat jealous of her b/c she is on 100% Guy Restriction, meaning she has dropped ALL men from her life for the time being. I really, really wish I could do that. And I'm definitely trying to avoid all my guy friends for right now. Even SC the sweet keyboardist is getting on my nerves, sending me flirty texts/chats. So I took myself off chat on both email and Facebook so people (i.e., guys, b/c that's all that ever pops up wanting to chat w/me) will leave me the fuck alone.

Anyway so I'm still going through the roller coaster of emotional days that is inherent in my breakup sadness and my withdrawal from my addiction/codependency on stupid men. I am definitely avoiding my dad, who also keeps pestering me. Still, I can't help but notice that when I'm feeling total despair (like I was on Monday) God keeps throwing me bones to keep me afloat. I don't know what else to attribute these little gems of happiness that keep popping up. B/c another source of my depression is that my mom's health is rapidly deteriorating. She has really spit the bit and lately is doing things that could be construed as a danger to herself. My stepdad, my brother, and I are at a loss as to what to do. Today I finally suggested to my stepdad that my mom might have to be admitted as an inpatient somewhere. It's THAT bad.

In the meantime I just have to keep going to meetings, working on myself, seeing my therapist, and trying to get through the days and hours. Another bright spot: JFu came over on Sat and we rehearsed and we'll go do the open mic at the Mucky Duck next Monday.

Wow. What a Week. Willie High Still Going!

Heh. I said "Willie high." Heh.

Well, so yeah, I thought Monday and Tues would be excruciatingly difficult and depressing b/c you-know-who was back in town for those 2 days but honestly, I was so busy working and yes, riding on my total Willie high, and having an amazingly wonderful evening in Luling TX on Tues. night w/Tito J. that I barely even thought about him. I spent Mon nite w/one of my SLAA girlfriends who lives real close to me too, and that was great. We went to a cozy, adorable little coffee shop right in our 'hood and I had bought some Groupons awhile back so we drank tea and got some pastries on the total cheap. She is also a singer/songwriter and we made plans to go do the Mucky Duck open mic in a couple weeks. I will perform w/J. Fu and I am so excited! J. Fu and I are getting together this weekend to begin rehearsing for our duo project. I have 7 solid songs down that I'm singing, and need to finish working up about 3 more.

So Monday went by well and fast. Tuesday the same, I got off work early, went home to change clothes and spend a little bit of time w/Scotty Star, then I hit the road to Luling. It was a nice, peaceful 2-hr drive and I got caught up on some podcasts which was awesome, since I get backed up on them as I mostly listen to just music when I'm running around here. Met Tito J. at a local hole in the wall and we had the chicken fried steak and may I just say, that was some serious comfort food and hit the very spot it needed to hit!!!!!! I ate the whole thing and for me, lately, that is really unusual! Then we went across to a fun, happy little coffee shop/cafe, had tea and just sat there and joked around and shot the shit for awhile. In fact--Tito J. and I have made plans to make "Luling Dinner Visit" a regular occurrence from now on! Monthly would be great! We want to try the food at the adorable coffee shop and of course, we MUST try Luling's famous BBQ one of these days. I was so full from dinner I couldn't even do dessert anywhere! I had another nice, easy drive home (thanking God for getting me there and back safely) and got home around 11:30pm, at which time I was ready to get in bed w/Scotty Star and fall fast asleep, which I did.

Now, Wednesday (yesterday) was a strange day. I had so much fun at work: an awesome catered lunch meeting at the Hilton that was sooooo yummy and we also had champagne! Then we had a beer/wine/snack break at Job #1 that was also so much fun. But I began to suffer withdrawal pains (and yes, b/c I have an addiction I am definitely going through withdrawal [staying away from men/trying to get over my need for attention from men], on top of breakup pains that are still very fresh) and had to call a few of my SLAA women friends. They really helped, so much. I cried in the morning and at night, though. Maybe I was starting to crash from the "Willie high", not kidding. I stayed home last night and that was hard, esp. since Enor went back to the Big Easy jam after we'd both been staying away for the past few weeks, and I was tempted to go too but I knew I had to do lots of self-care tasks (we in recovery are very big on self-care and in SLAA I've learned about H.A.L.T., to not let myself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired) as well as SLAA reading and continuing to work on my Step 1 worksheet, which is a bear. I also had to practice my songs some more in prep for rehearsal w/J. Fu this weekend. I had plenty to do, but I am trying to change my energy (in my case, SLOW DOWN) as part of my recovery process. And that's one reason I adopted Scotty Star, so I'd need to stay home more!!!

But the other thing I was danger of doing last night was going out and getting a hookup. I was feeling like, "Wow, I feel so good and happy lately, why not feel even better and go out and get some male attention/affection and get laid???" So I called the SLAA women and spoke to my sponsor and they made me realize what was behind those crazy thoughts I was having. As my sponsor put it, "You've been so happy lately and none of your happiness has had anything to do with a man. So why ruin it?" Man--what a hell of a point she made there. Another SLAA woman said that since I'm going through withdrawal--and it is PAINFUL--if I slip then I'll have to start all over again. Ohhhhh... fuck that. I never want to go through this misery again. It's hard, dudes, it's hard. SLAA has a pamphlet on withdrawal and it lists 17 symptoms you may experience. I have 12 of the symptoms on the list.

Tonite I wanna go out though. Blooze jam and my ex, M., is hosting. My friend Bon hopefully will go too. I'm also going out tomorrow night, as the Gourds are having a free concert w/Doyle Bramhill. That'll be killer! And then the weekend starts and yes, I am pretty much booked solid. Again. Sigh. Not sure how this happens, but oh well. Anyway, 2 of those bookings are SLAA meetings so that's great for me.

(I also found out some good news though, at the CD release party on Tues. night I only missed 1 legend, Bob Margolin. The others were not scheduled to come in, so God's bone that He threw me was even better!!!)

Yesterday: One of the Best Days of My Life

No hyperbole!!! I FINALLY after all these years got to meet my hero, Willie Nelson!!! And take a picture with him!!!

But the best part was just what a wonderful day it was, the whole day from start to finish, and how God put me on the right path to make it all fall into place perfectly, and just how God threw me a bone b/c of all I've been going through lately. The biggest bone he coulda thrown me. And don't think I don't recognize it or appreciate it.

And may I just say (as I said on my Twitter) how incredibly friendly and generous and sweet and gentlemanly ALL of Willie's people are! Paul English is the sweetest gentleman ever (amazing when you consider he was a real badass back in the day!) and his brother Billy is just as sweet and friendly. I met Paul in the hallway of the convention center yesterday afternoon (I was working security for the Annual TX Sheriff's Conference), recognized him, and he just gave me a big ol' hug--and I was in uniform and he didn't even care, all that mattered to him was that I was a fan!!! Then last night as I was hanging out backstage (and I'd brought Enor w/me--I HAD to--no way would I have enjoyed the night nearly as much had she not been there!!!) Paul said "Have you met Bee Spears?" and introduced me. I saw Mickey Raphael and said "Oooh I'd love to meet him" and Paul said "Go right ahead, he's real friendly" and he was!

And they were just so tickled by me and kept saying how cute I was and they made me their personal security guard for the night and "fill-in bassist" if necessary and I got to dance w/Paul and so did Enor and Bee brought over his beautiful Epiphone bass ("They don't make these anymore!" he kept exclaiming) and let me play it and they asked me to handcuff Mickey Raphael and everyone took pictures and it was just ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. Bee also gave me his phone # so I could call him and he offered to send me all kinds of DR bass strings and told me he gets hookups on all kinds of basses and amps and said he likes to help out young musicians like me!!! OMG.

At one point I couldn't resist it, I had to pull out the iPhone and show them all my FB profile pic and say "Here's what I really look like!" and they were all so tickled. Mickey asked me if I was a runner (after seeing my legs) and said yes, and also a bicyclist, and turns out Mickey is a road bicyclist. I later saw his pic riding bikes w/Bob Dylan's road crew! And can I just say how TALL Mickey is and how young-looking and HANDSOME?!?! Enor and I invited Paul and Billy out to the Big Easy w/us and Billy said he'd love to (esp. when we told him it was Zydeco night) but they had a 6am flight. I couldn't believe I was watching a Willie Nelson concert from the side of the stage and was hanging out with the band members! I'm talking like, hanging out with Mickey and Bee for like 30 min. and with Billy and Paul for like an hour! And since Paul now plays only on a song or 2 with Willie he was backstage most of the time and came and stood right by me for a long time!!!

God did this for me. There is NO question about it. I'm so sad/mad about having to miss the big CD release party tomorrow night b/c I choose to not see, hear, or be around you-know-who right now and I'm just so upset about having to miss the legends they are bringing in to play: Bob Margolin, Anson Funderburgh, and Smokin' Joe Kubek. I have decided I need to run out of town to Luling TX to have dinner w/Joel so I'm not anywhere in the vicinity of Houston TX tomorrow evening. Well... God threw me a bone, like I say, the biggest one he coulda thrown: he GAVE me WILLIE NELSON, PAUL ENGLISH, BILLY ENGLISH, BEE SPEARS, MICKEY RAPHAEL, and BOBBIE NELSON. To hang out with all night and to watch their show from the side of the stage and to share their food/drink/dessert and to take tons and tons of pictures with. God gave me a truly incomparable experience to make up for everything. I KNOW that, in my heart of hearts.

So Here It Is

Here's what's going on. I am (sigh) a Codependent Sex and Love Addict. Meanwhile, Jon is an Avoidant. Wow. And here's the chart. Classic, black and white, there it is. (Well... I'm not AS much of a Sex Addict as I am a Love Addict, but I definitely have the pattern of acting out sexually. So it is a danger for me as well.)

Good lord have I got a ton of work to do. I have the Step 1 worksheet I've been working on all week. I had to go buy a spiral notebook today b/c I need all that extra room to write! My friend T. says I should say I'm a "recovering" Sex and Love addict, as he used to say he was a "recovering" alcoholic in his AA meetings. Yeah, possibly, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, meanwhile I'm suffering through extreme painful withdrawal right now! No fucking fun!

The good news is that I know each day will get better and I spoke to a women from the Monday night meeting a little while ago when I was in tears who told me I will NEVER go through this again. Wow, that's heavy. They also said on Mon. nite that the program has pretty much a 100% success rate of everyone who finishes the steps. I believe. I believe!!!

No Club Remix tonite, I'm so tired and Enor is bummed due to the death of an old boss/father figure and I had rehearsal last nite and got SLAA meeting tomorrow followed by meeting w/sponsor and then I leave town on Fri to go to the Leo gig so I need a damn nite to myself this week. I am definitely looking forward to a Saturday of R&R at the ranch though. I hope to sleep in, read, go swimming, relax, play the evening gig, and make it home safe late Sat. night. I gotta come back 1 day early b/c I have to work a security shift from 8:30-4p on Sun. Sheesh.

Need to relax tonite. Read, write, work on the worksheet, pick out my outfits to get ready to pack, and just breathe. And love and pet Scotty Star of course.

Blogging and Life Right Now

So I'm going through a major transition of having to TOTALLY CHANGE MY LIFE and so I may not be blogging here as much b/c I'm going to have to buy a paper journal for the 12-step program I am currently in. I've been to 4 meetings in a week and a day and I've got 2 more this week. Won't be able to attend any meetings next weekend as I'll be in Chappell Hill gigging Fri-Sat, then have to work all day next Sun on a security job but I've got a sponsor for my 12-steps and I have to attend 6 meetings right now so I'm doing that, even sacrificing hours at Job #2 to do so. But my life is at stake here (not life-and-death dramatically so, just my life in terms of my peace/happiness/well-being) so I gotta do it.

Still on the roller coaster. Crappy weekend. Tough day today, even breaking out into hives all over and freaking out, but I called a bunch of women from the program and one helped me do a breathing exercise over the phone that brought me back to sanity and made the hives disappear in only an hour as opposed to 3 hrs. Spending time at home reading the literature (pamphlets, books) and spending time with Scotty Star is helping. Meeting this afternoon followed by coffee w/3 of the women and that was really really awesome. I just want to be left alone by men right now most of all. I hid you-know-who from my Facebook feed. I keep thinking of the list I made of things I will not miss about him or was annoyed by and more have popped up. He didn't like it when I wore hats--and I love to wear hats. He called me "dork" sometimes and I told him he didn't need to be calling me mean names. He was very much a music snob and was kind of mean the way he spoke of fellow musicians sometimes. (So what if he was right most of the time? Didn't need to be so mean and critical.)

Busy as ass week ahead: Monday night meeting. Tuesday night rehearsal. Wednesday night me and Enor and Phillipo returning to Club Remix. Thurs. night meeting and Enor coming over so I can give her a gate clicker and brief her on feeding Scotty Star when I'm away on Fri. In between, lots and lots of reading, serenity praying, and trying to take care of myself.

Ugh.

So here I am, going through the roller coaster of emotions that follow a heartbreaking breakup. Look at that, I don't even want to use the word "gwine", that's how fowl a mood I'm in TODAY. I mean, yesterday was groovy. I agreed to play a gig w/Leo next weekend in Chappell Hill Tx, a Fri-Sat night gig where they'll put us up at a ranch, feed us, and pay us. Right now I'm glad to be playing, which is why I'm doing it, and I also think some time away (even if Chappell Hill is only an hour away) will do me some good.

And last night Phillipo, Enor and I went back to Club Remix and had drinks and popcorn and enjoyed another great time and killer music and Phillipo and I got up and did 3 songs again and it was just fun. And my kitten, Scotty Star, is just the most precious and loving and adorable cat... ever. She is so fun to have around and it's great to sleep w/her and the only down side is I HATE leaving her when I have to leave the house b/c she meows so much and it's just so hard b/c I so love our time at home alone and I know she loves me sooooo much. But I have to go to work b/c she is getting the best of everything: Science Diet kitty food (hard and a little soft thrown in from time to time), the best healthy treats, toys galore, and she has her 1st vet visit next Monday for her well-kitten checkup.

But today I just feel blahhhhhh... I did however spend a lot of time chatting w/my dear keyboard friend SCC and he also loves me too. (He's the one writing the musical about me.) He admitted he'd love to come be w/me and have a family w/me and I said that was sweet of him to offer, chuckle! And he wants me to come visit him in Annapolis soooo bad, and now he wants me to come play a (non-paying) gig w/him in Sept. in Milwaukee. It's sweet to hear and know, but that's all I feel about it. He's great but that's as far as my feelings go. And right now the idea of men is just EXHAUSTING me. I really do want to be single for awhile, I really do. I'm reading all these books by Drs. Cloud and Townsend and they are really, really helping me. They're inspiring me to feel stronger and ready to tackle myself as an improvement project. I want to focus on myself and my friends. I'm going to another LSAA meeting tonite and I'll return to the one on Saturday morning too. Got a therapy session tomorrow. I'm trying to keep my food down when the roller coaster swings me around the bad parts... but that's so hard. And ONLY TIME will do the trick which is the hardest part.

On My Own... But Not Alone!

My therapist and several friends agreed with me that it was a good idea to get a kitten. So I did! Enor and I went to the SPCA on Friday and I picked one kitten to take to the "get acquainted" room. We had a good time and the vibes were good. Enor said to get a girl cat b/c boy cats piss in your shoes when they get mad at you, which I do know to be a true fact. Plus, I'm trying to stay away from men right now so even better. Her name was "Star" which I also thought was a good sign.

However Tito J and I had plans to go to the beach on Saturday so I couldn't officially adopt her on Fri, but rather Saturday, (b/c once you adopt them they get neutered and you pick them up the next day) so I promised to come back Sat. morning. Fri. night Tito J came into town and we went to dinner w/his family members and friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. Then we went to a new Karoake place where it was only private rooms and you could BYOB. I sang 3 songs and around midnight Tito J and I were ready to head home, so we did and it was a nice, safe environment for me.

Sat. morning I picked up my bro and he accompanied me to an LSAA meeting. I was nervous, especially when the co-ed meeting I'd decided on was in a building that was locked down (for the holidays?) so he talked me into rushing over just a few miles to another set of meetings that was split women/men. So we split up and I found myself in a room with about a dozen other women. I listened to them, then I spoke and cried and I have to say, it was helpful. I couldn't relate to everything the other women were saying but I certainly could relate to a lot. I'm glad I went to a women-only meeting and I will return. After the meeting there were lots of hugs and people thrusting their phone #'s at me and since I was a newcomer, lots of pamphlets for me to take home and read. Then I met my bro and he had nothing but a comical surreal experience. Yes, I'll return to the women's meeting!

Then I hurried to the SPCA and Star was still there (I knew she'd be) and I went to visit her one more time and then I adopted her and went home to meet Tito J. The beach was awesome. I wore my new pink monokini and bought a new shark-decorated boogie board and 2 shark-tooth necklaces, something I been wanting for awhile. The sun was hot, the water was warm, there were tons of people there (which normally I don't like but right now enjoyed immensely) and we got some good beach time in. On our way home we went to a Louisiana restaurant on our way home that Rozzy happened to be playing at, so it was the perfect end to an excellent day. After that Tito J took me to Target so I could buy the preliminary cat care items.

Sun. Tito J wanted to come and play in the pool, and I had a couple hours before I had to go pick up "Scotty Star" (promised Brandone I'd name the cat after him, even if it was a girl!) so we did that, and found that my HOA would be throwing a 4th of July weekend party w/food/drink but until then we had the pool to ourselves--awesommmmme. Then I hurried to shower, change, go get last-minute cat care items at PetSmart (including a carrier), and bring Scotty Star home! The SPCA was packed so I had to wait a bit, but she was ready and they took my carrier and brought her out to me and we tested her microchip and then I was off w/my new baby. I was feeling so protective and loving I even put the seatbelt on her carrier (which did in fact have a seatbelt notch)! She meowed and cried all the way home and I kept talking softly to her and gently "Shh-shh"-ing her and it made me cry too, chuckle!!! I just knew I loved her immediately and furthermore, the SPCA told me she was brought to the shelter on Sun. June 26--only 1 day after I myself was also abandoned. Awwww, how about that for fate???

True to my fashion I'd gotten a couple cat books at the library and had educated myself as much as possible so our adjustment period was pretty easy. We had a great 1st night together--I'd already decided she will sleep with me--except for when she woke me up at 5am to play for about an hour--but then we slept til about 9:30. Monday was a nice, easy morning and we woke up slowly but surely. I had to leave her twice, once to run down to Pasadena to see Ma, and then again that evening just for a bit to go to a party at a mansion that one of Tito J's friends had invited us to. It's a mansion I'd ridden my bike past w/You Know Who so I really wanted to see the inside. But truth is, I couldn't wait to get home to Scotty Star and was only at the party long enough for one drink and to tour the house.

Same with today, I couldn't wait to get home from work to come home to her since it was the 1st day I'd left her alone for an extended period of time. I left her with plenty of food and water and toys and left the radio on at a soft volume. When I'm home she follows me everywhere I go so bonding and love has happened immediately! I have cut my work hours short this week to help with the adjustment period as much as possible.

Today was rough b/c I went back to work after a great weekend. And I was supposed to be in Chicago w/You Know Who--so that was sad for me. But it helps having a lot to do, even if I don't feel like doing it every minute. I have tons of books to read and some DVR'ing to catch up on, and self-improvement to work on, and of course my Scotty Star to shower with adoration. And practicing, always practicing! I'll be going back to Club Remix tomorrow night w/Enor and her friend and hopefully Phillipo. Thurs. after work I'll attend another LSAA meeting. Fri night is my crazy friend Rolando's bday party, which I guess I'll go to. I still don't want to leave Scotty Star at home alone too much but at the same time I am fighting the feeling of brokenhearted loneliness, even if I realize more and more each day that I'm truthfully mostly fine w/You Know Who being gone. Key word being "mostly".

Updates

Had a good weekend w/my brother and Enor. Woody Allen movie was awesome. Spoke to Tommy on Sun. night, taking me to bedtime, for which I'm grateful. Cried on and off all day. Had to send email to "him" telling him to please leave me alone and not contact me (after 1 text on Sat. night and 1 email on Sun. morn received from him).

Didn't cry at all on Monday, even when talking to Brandone that night telling him the whole story.

Yesterday unbelievably "he" texted me saying please let him talk to me, he's reaching out from his heart and needs to talk. I ignored it. He called 20 min later and I felt healthy enough to answer. He did most of the talking, saying he felt sick, he felt like he made a mistake, he loves me and wants to try and work things out. I asked "What's the point?", citing that we want different things in life. he replied "only when it comes to kids!" (OMG!!!) He repeated he loves me and I was his best friend and he wants a relationship with me and to not shut the door. I said HE shut the door on Saturday. I never said I loved him back b/c frankly I don't think I do anymore. I told him I was glad he was leaving town for a month and that I needed to not see/hear from him. He made me promise we'd talk when he got back and I said "fine" but not meaning it--wanting HIM to suffer a little bit now.

Enor later said if it's over, I need to make him understand that it's over. I sighed and agreed. Sent him a text saying I deserve someone to love me and desire me and who wants/needs me in their life and I did not believe that was him and for us to let each other go in peace and find peace and good luck and goodbye. He sent an immediate txt back saying I do deserve those things and he never said he didn't want those things w/me and to not listen to other people that are trying to pull me away from him and they're not in our hearts and souls. I ignored it. He called. I ignored it. He texted more and more--even having the nerve to ask if I was already seeing someone (OMG!!!). I ignored them.

Finally an hour and a half later he sent one final sad text saying he is sorry I feel this way and he sees where I'm going with this and that he wishes he could take it back and make it right between us again. He said he always loved coming home to me and we always had fun together and he loves me and wishes me lots of love and peace and he's sorry for what happened and he made a mistake and will move on now.

I went to see a therapist today. I cried there, lots. I'm going back on Friday. Going out tonite w/Phillipo and dinner tomorrow night w/Rozzy.

Breakup. Yes, Breakup.

So we ended it yesterday. It wasn't bitter or angry. It was sad. We both cried. He can't be the man I need him to be and I guess I wasn't the girlfriend he thought I was. UGH. My heart HURTS. It literally is painful. Yesterday was awful, I spent all day crying after he left my house around 2pm and around 4 thank God L. let me come over and thank you Jesus she lives right down the street now, practically. BTW she's having her baby (a boy) next week already, jeez, she just told me she was pregnant in November. She let me talk and cry and she just listened. Then I had to run off to my eyebrow appt., then I felt so bad I had to go home and lie down (hadn't eaten anything since lunch on Friday) and then I talked on the phone to Enor, Bon, Rozz, my brother, and made plans to go out w/Enor and Bon, which we did.

Anyway. I am going to make myself go see a therapist b/c Jon pointed out my 2 big issues and he said he will work on his issues and I will work on my issues and "we'll see." Well, regarding him/us I don't need to see anything and I am not going to pine for him and hold out any hope. I am moving on. I am attempting to make this as healthy a breakup as possible: no desperate/crazy thoughts, no self-destruction, no alcoholism, no sleeping around. Bon pointed out last night that I NEEDED to eat b/c one of my issues is being an attention/affection junkie and if I refused to eat it was like crying out for attention and for someone to come take care of me. So I am forcing myself to eat--I can't eat very much b/c no appetite AT ALL but I am making myself at least force down some bites of food here and there which is really good for me especially when you consider how I tend to starve myself when I'm sad and depressed.

So here's a healthy thing I'm going to do right now: List the things that I will NOT miss about him or that I found exasperating or that gave us conflict, etc.

1. Even his sisters call him "Diva." He had to have everything just so. His laundry, clothes, car, food, shower soap, etc. have to be perfect.
2. Yet, he had an annoying habit of leaving little pieces of trash just lying around (bottle caps, plastic wrappers, etc.)--his house and my house.
3. My side of the bed is the right side but that's HIS side too and I let him have it b/c I loved him and wanted him to be happy. See #1.
   
4. I let him have MY good parking space that backs up to my patio door while I parked my car over by the fence. Mostly this was b/c he got home late at night though from gigs and thus wouldn't have far to carry his amp. (Meanwhile at HIS house I had to park on the street. The street. At least my 2nd parking spot is inside a gate!)
   
5. I bought a firmer mattress than I'd prefer b/c he needs a firm mattress b/c of his back and his weight.
   
6. He complained about my leather couch b/c it was "too soft", again needing a harder couch b/c of his weight.
   
7. He didn't like to go out and see live music very much b/c playing music is his job and he didn't want to go to work on his nights off.
8. Had to keep the A/C at my house soooo low and I was freezing, thanks to him.
9. Sometimes he'd make "out there" comments about distrusting the government/government conspiracies and his desire to stay off the grid as much as possible.
   
10. Thought vaccinations--literally the world's greatest public health accomplishment, BTW--were a government conspiracy and had said if we had a kid it would NOT be vaccinated.
11. I had to be careful about fragrances around him--couldn't use my Chanel perfume (not that I wear that often, hardly ever wear it, just on special occasions) and couldn't use certain lotions.
12. Was a little OCD and didn't like it when I touched stair bannisters, escalator handrails, etc.
    

There's more but I'll keep it to myself. I can't believe I broke up with the most incredible boyfriend ever, Mr. Wonderful b/c of the words that Jon told me/the promises he made me. And now the terms of the contract, if you will, have changed and so I have to be out. I have to be done. Not that Mr. W and I were ever going to work out ultimately anyway but I hurt him and devastated him and I will always regret that and hate that I did that to him.

One thing I'm determined to do now: remain single for the time being. One could surmise that I don't like to be alone b/c I do tend to go from relationship to relationship and that is one thing I'll be discussing in therapy. So b/c it will be different and unlike me to remain single I am going to do just that. It will be a growing exercise. If being alone is seemingly something that I'm frightened of, then doing what scares me will be a great learning experience and will be GOOD for my character.

At Job #1's short Sunday shift and it'll be a 1/2 hour shorter b/c I NEED to go see the new Woody Allen movie at 5:45p w/Enor. BTW I went to the Texas exhibit at the museum this morning at 9am w/my li'l bro and it was awesome. I am still crying on and off and that's normal, but I got the good, aching, heaving sobbing day-long crying done yesterday. I hope.

I Guess It's True What They Say About Twitter

I suppose I've been blogging less b/c I'm spending more time on my Twitter. Well, I still like to write here though; really it's my record of happenings. So what the hell is going on? Well I finally got well, last week. Took 3 damn weeks to get over that URI and my knee is still healing from the broken glass but I was finally able to take the bandaid off. I gigged last Thurs. and Fri. w/Jon and our harmonica frenemy and at the Fri. gig I wanted to wear my pink strapless mini-dress so I took the bandaid off then for the 1st time.

Whew, what a night that was! Jon and I spent the night down the street from the gig at his older sister's house, as Jon had to be at the airport at 6am--we only got about 2 1/2 hrs of sleep after we loaded up, got paid, and since I was craving ice cream, went to the grocery store to satisfy my late-night craving. Then after dropping Jon off at the airport I had to report to Job #2 for a special weekend security shift. 2 shifts actually. I sat outside doing security from 7a-10a, then went home, managed to take a nap (left the damn cell phone in the other room so as not to be pestered by calls/texts), then reported back to Job #2 for another shift of 4-6p. At which time I went down to see me Ma and stepdad. Finally I came home and was happy to spend a nice, sedate, restful evening at home. That's b/c I had to be in bed at a decent time for SUNDAY'S Job #2 security shift of 7a-9a, after which time I had to go pick up Jon from the airport; he had just a quick gig on Sat. in Baltimore so it was nice to have him home almost right away again.

This past Monday night he headlined at the House of Blues and so many of our friends and his family were there. Really fun night. Tonight I'm looking forward to returning to the jam after 2 weeks of missing it due to illness/malaise. I'm excited b/c this afternoon I went to the "ghetto mall" and ordered me a 10 Karat gold tooth cap. It was so cool! They made an impression of my teeth and it should be ready by this evening and I will wear it to the jam and horrify Jon and perhaps some other people, yuk yuk! Actually Enor says she's always wanted one too, and I fully support her getting one herself!

We have a busy weekend coming up: Texas history exhibit at the HMNS; Jon and Rich are gigging at Big Easy Sat. night; and I'm doing the Sunday shift at Job #1.

Collapsed

Did you see what GOD just did to me?!?! He knocked me down yesterday, man. Literally. I collapsed at the Big Easy minutes after getting offstage where I played w/Leo. I had started to sweat 2nd to last song, and I felt the damn hives coming on. I rushed to the bar and got a big glass of ice and began icing myself down, with the help of Enor. I decided to go outside and sit in the sun, to get away from the music and noise and everyone, thinking that sitting quietly by myself would help the hives. Well, my ex-boyfriend, who I used to call Mr. Wonderful, came outside immediately and began talking to me and talking to me and talking to me and after about 10 min. I just felt ILL. I was now completely covered in hives and I'd never felt this SICK before, and I decided I needed to get inside in the A/C stat. I tried to stand up but couldn't and sat back down. Ex BF said, "Are you ok?" and I couldn't even respond. I tried once again to get up and go inside and managed to get a hold of my purse, glass of Crown/Coke, and glass of ice although my hands and fingers were badly tingling from the histamine coursing through my system.

I made it inside the doorway, saw black, managed to lean against the wall, dropped the glass of ice, heard it shatter, didn't care, and next thing I knew I was on my hands and knees and someone (our friend Jim) was grabbing me and dragging me into the club and putting my legs up on a chair so my feet were over my head. That actually helped, and I came to and they were fanning me, and Jon was playing onstage but he rushed offstage to come and see if I was ok and I heard them yelling for a Dr. in the house and then I was able to sit up and Jon and our friend Jim carried me into the office and lay me on the couch and one of our blues friends who is also a nurse gave me some Benadryl and took my pulse and my blood pressure and Enor was there bringing me water and Jim brought my some pineapple juice and they were trying to clean my bloody knee (from the broken glass) and it was just chaos. I guess I really freaked everyone out!!! Once I was stabilized Jon went back out and finished his set while they were keeping him abreast of the situation (going out and giving him thumbs ups) but then came back and said he was driving me home in my car and Enor and our friend Ed would follow and then drive him back to the club. After about 40 min. the hives still hadn't gone away, even though the president of the blues society had run down to the store and brought me back some Benadryl cream, which our nurse friend rubbed all over me.

Once home Jon and Enor got me on the couch, got me my drink, and left me to rest. I slept after the Benadryl kicked in. Shit! OK God, I get it, I get it. I'm still not well and the antibiotic clearly took away my resistance to heat/the hot-ass sun. And I'd broken out into hives on Fri. night after we were swimming in Jim's (salt-water) pool around midnight and I was cold getting out of the water but it was only 4-5 tiny hive-y spots that went away in about 15 min. But I was clearly histamine-riddled still and the worst thing I coulda done was go sit in the sun like that, but I thought sitting quietly and peacefully would help the hives calm down. Big mistake, thanks to the antibiotic. I'll be taking the rest of the week easy, b/c I got gigs on Thurs. and Fri w/Jon and our harmonica frenemy--and I MUST make those gigs. I need the $ and they need a bass player. But I'm even going to skip the jam on Weds. for the 2nd week in a row. I finish the antibiotic tomorrow thank God.

Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick, SICK!

As in, I am still recovering from the nastiest upper respiratory infection (URI) that I've had since probably I was a kid. Oh boy, it hit me GOOD. I had chills/fever beginning on Sat. night and a low-grade fever on Sunday/Monday. I spent Sunday-Tuesday IN BED. Seriously. Only yesterday, Weds., did I finally progress from my bed to spending the day downstairs on the couch. Today I'm back at both jobs. Jon forced me to go to the grocery-store clinic--where I'd never been before, but now am SOLD on! Only my $25 office visit copay and in and out of there in minutes!!!--on Sun. morning and they gave me antibiotics but I still have a lingering cough though each day is better and better.

I tell you what, though... I NEEDED these past 4 days to spend at my house/in bed. Desperately. It was awesome even though I was sick, and I know God made me sick to slow me down for once. Ok, I get it, Lord. I'll try to stop overscheduling myself within an inch of my life and to take more breathers. Stayed home from the jam last night. Nothing tonight but a nice dinner at home w/Jon. Tomorrow night is free. This is b/c I definitely need to be rested up for the weekend: 4 hour gig in Galveston on Sat. afternoon, followed by my maternal grandmother's brother's 50th wedding anniversary party that night. Then Sunday is an all-day benefit at the Big Easy for our bass player buddy whose mom just died; I'm not playing (that I know of) but will be there to hang, drink, and support the cause.

Yay Holiday Weekend Approacheth

...though I'm not sure how much valuable and treasured "down time" I'll actually have... gotta hit the ground running beginning in the A.M.! Fortunately I have the day off from Job #1 at least, but the day will be well-spent. 1st we gwine to pick up my stepdad's pickup truck so we can 1. Use it to transport my new mattress I'm buying and 2. Borrow it 'til about Tues. as Jonn's car will be at the body shop's til about Tues-Weds and we've been trying to make do w/just my car and it's a little unwieldy, what with all my jobs and such.

Then Jon and I have a 2pm appt for our Houston oral history project interviews. (Yes, Enor is in charge and she has decided to focus on local blues musicians. I first declined her request for an interview but the more time went on and I saw who she was interviewing [or more likely, wasn't interviewing, as it was male-instrumentalist heavy and female-singer heavy] I decided to accept so that there would be an interview from a female instrumentalist perspective.) After which I will go to Job #2 and Jon will go to his gig up north and that night, I will head home and REST. And READ. And RELAX!

Because Sat. morn I gotta get my buns up to the sheriff academy for a damn class, but just 9-noon thank the gods. The rest of the day could actually be free! Meaning, Jon and I don't have anything on the agenda for once! Sunday however we do have a possible pool party at his partner Rich's house. I'd like to go, but Jon will decide which is fine w/me. Monday yet again we have "nothing" on the agenda, but I'd love to go to the shooting range.

Last night's gig was ok. I sang 2 songs and my drummer pal Nick showed up w/a present for me: cool sunglasses! I wore them while I played my set. Later this legend showed up w/his band just to hang out and I was tickled to get to meet him and he complimented me on my bass playing... aww! Tonight we may head back to the Big Easy for the monthly blues society jam, but just to deliver some of those deviled eggs and to see the opener band, whom we both love.

Beautiful Yesterday

We took it to the doghouse for Earl. Here's 2 clips of me playing but of course, there's clips of other musicians (incl. Jon!) playing too, ha ha.




Here's Jon and Earl's other "sons" doing a song just for him. Earl's wife is the cute li'l lady in front with the short orange 'do. She sent us home, as she always does for Jon, with his favorite deviled eggs, greens, chicken, etc.



It was a great day with all of Houston's best blues musicians and blues lovers out at the Doghouse. From all accounts Earl was able to watch from his hospital bed.

I'll be the house bassist for Jon again this Weds. night as Leroy's (the bassist playing in the clip above) Ma died this a.m. after a long illness. Jon will be a pallbearer at the funeral on Thurs. Meanwhile we're all just praying for Earl.

Tired, At Work on 3 Hrs Sleep

But I been having fun, so it's all worth it, yes? So anyway, long busy week and as always I must consult my Google calendars to remind myself what the heck I been up to these past few days. It doesn't help that I only got about 3 hrs. sleep last night b/c I'm a night owl, it was Friday night, Jon and I went to see our old friend play at the Big Easy, then we came home and watched Honeysuckle Rose, one of our fave flix ever. Then I had to be up to work at Job #1 from 9-5 today though I did get to take a nice break as today was our company picnic and Jon came and picked me up for it on my lunch hour. So lessee...

Weds. I picked up Jon from the airport and we went to the hospital to see Earl. He was asleep and we both prayed over him. It was bittersweet. June 19, 2009 was proclaimed his day from the City of Houston and the proclamation was taped to his front windows of the ICU. He's now refused the ventilator and is "hoping to make it to Sunday." Tomorrow we'll be doing this for him (nice pic of Jon!).They're going to livestream it on the web to Earl's hospital bed. I wish Earl could just come home, especially since he's off the ventilator. My grandpa Popo's death in November at home, surrounded by all of us, was just so wonderful and the best way to go possible.

That night I was the house bassist at Jon's jam and I've been working on my singing and I think I finally decided on my "voice." I always thought I was a power singer, then I've been trying this high, strong voice thing, but now I think I sound best as a soft-voiced singer. I recorded myself all different ways this past week and only the soft voice thing didn't make me cringe at myself. Anyway, the jam wasn't that fun b/c Jon was subdued (due to Earl) and he was making me nervous and I was feeling just a little insecure w/my playing. Anyway...

Unfortunately the night ended badly when we got to my house and coulda been quite tragic so thank God it wasn't. Basically we got to my house at about 2:05am and there was a suspicious guy inside the gate sitting on the concrete while there was a suspicious vehicle outside the gate with an occupant inside. Jon and I had to unload guitars, amps and stuff and I didn't care for any of this bullshit onlooking, so tough-guy cop me had to walk over to the character and talk to him (yes, with my purse on my shoulder and my gun in my purse) and then I had to call the police on the suspicious vehicle while shining my big cop flashlight on them as they tried to drive away. However--the suspicious vehicle turned out to be undercover police and the guy I talked to may have been a "lookout" for the armed robbery that was happening that VERY MINUTE across the street at the neighborhood bar. Yes, this all went down while I was playing neighborhood watch inside my gate, and suddenly there were police EVERYWHERE, even inside my gate, SWAT teams running here and there, K9's, helicopter's, the whole shmear. This is b/c that bar has been robbed 5 times in the past month (incl. last Weds. at about the same time Jon got home to my house from the jam) and the cops had it staked out. (Why it got robbed again this night while they were staking it out has yet to be properly explained.) Long story short, Jon and I decided the best thing to do would be to stick our butts inside and stay there and let the hunt go on.

At 3am we finally fell asleep. At 5am I heard BANG BANG BANG on my door, repeatedly, though it took me awhile to make my way downstairs to see what was going on. It was the police, wanting me to come I.D. the guy they caught that they thought was that "lookout" guy I'd talked to earlier. I came out to my street completely full of a million cop cars and the SWAT van and everything. I couldn't positively I.D. him (I'd kept my distance from him earlier and it was dark outside) so I had him say one of the sentences I'd heard him say earlier and then I was pretty sure it was him. However, I found out the next morning they let him go, as they had nothing concrete to hold him for--even if he was the lookout. And yeah, all this was on all the news channels the next morning.

This whole thing pisses me off, as I am angry that it's possible there's an accessory to armed robbery possibly living on my property, and it makes me mad that the armed robber GOT AWAY from the bar while the bar was under surveillance, and it makes me mad that now Jon is worried ("They know who you are now"). However, I keep saying it's a GOOD thing they know who I am, b/c guess what? Now I know who THEY are. And if they want to come jack w/me, well it will not be a happy ending for anyone involved, I guarantee it. I'm worried about them? No. They need to be worried about me. Still, I did just order a wireless camera surveillance system (the same kind Mudflap has at his house) and Jon and I have been spending every night at my house this week. I even forwent going out on Thurs. night so I could stick close to home and keep an eye on things.

Anyway, so Friday was National Ride Your Bike to Work Day and I was up at 6am for it. I'd brought my bike over to my house from Jon's so I could meet my neighbors who also work in the Med Ctr, as they ride their bike to work everyday and they offered to let me join them, which I was so happy to do! I have to say--it was FUN! We even picked up another of our friends/colleagues on the bike trail on the way, so it ended up being 4 of us. I was invigorated when I got to work, and not too sweaty as it was overcast and only in the low 80's. And when 5pm came, I was actually excited about the ride home! Now, it did take us about an hour to go 7-ish miles, but I have a mountain bike and they all had road bikes, so I was just slower than them. It was still so much fun and I look forward to doing it again by myself someday! It'll have to be a day when I don't go to Job #2 but I can certainly plan around that. I loved getting the exercise and I loved saving gas $ and I loved having my car at my house so it looked like someone was home all day, in light of the events on Weds. night.

Tonight is a night OFF. I am beat. I'm gwine go home, rest, read, relax, practice, watch some TV, blah blah blah. Hopefully Jon will be over soon too; we've got another busy day tomorrow. Before the Earl thing, we'll go to the world famous mega church in town for a service in honor of National Police Memorial Week, then we'll meet my mom and Fred and li'l bro for lunch, then head north to Earl's.

I also just found out I get to spend 4th of July weekend w/Jon, as he and Rich got a gig at a festival in Iowa and they're driving and I get to go! Yay! I love a road trip! And this is important to me b/c Jon will be gone most of July. After IA he only has a couple days free before he's gotta to back to OH, then he'll be gone for Italy the last 2 weeks in July. Fortunately Tito J. has offered to distract me w/a weekend trip to go party w/him in San Antonio, so I'm looking forward to doing that! But I'm so tickled I get to go to IA at least w/Jon.

Birthday Wind-Down

Whoo what a few days it's been. Well, to recap our birthday week(s):

My birthday

Friday the 6th: Went to Harlingen w/Jonn, Rich, and Rich's wife Lisa. Lovely time! 6 hrs one way and we stopped off in Corpus Christi to have seafood at this touristy kinda-lame restaurant, but whatever. Got to Harlingen around midnight, right at the official beginning of my bday! Got a decent night's sleep at our hotel.

Sat. the 7th: Went to eat at IHOP where I spotted a Room Rack Shoe outlet across the street at the mall. Lisa and I attacked it while the boys ran a couple errands before the show that night. I got ***9*** pairs of high heeled sandals, my favorite summer shoe ware, for ***$100*** and in all kinds of colors. Killer! Happy bday to me!!!

The show that night was great, and the weather was unfreakingbelievable gorgeous. Sunny, slight breeze, warm enough for me, awesome. I drank a couple of these Costa Rican beers I found in the backstage area coolers, and they were YUM. Jon told the audience to wish me a happy bday which was sweet... awww. I videotaped the whole performance w/the bassist's video camera, making sure to get all kindsa angles and close ups, etc.

After the show we tried to find something to eat but in Harlingen everything closes around 10pm. We went back to the hotel room and I decided I was just ready to walk to the grocery store 1 street over to get food and of course, cake! Coming downstairs to the lobby however, I was surprised by Rich and Lisa and cake and a green dragon pinata and presents and a card!!! Jon and Rich had taken care of getting all that while I was shoe shopping. I was touched and surprised! We ended up ordering pizza which was totally fine with me as everyone knows pizza and cake are my 2 favorite foods!!!

Jon's bday

Sat. the 14th: I had to run to the sheriff academy of course but I got out early which was awesome b/c I was able to go pick up the 7 dozen cake balls I'd ordered as a surprise for Jon. Dang, they were TASTY--I'd allowed us to sample a couple when I got to his house. Then we had a little time to relax before meeting his mom, 2 sisters, niece and nephew at Hinze's BBQ in Wharton TX. I drove and it was a beautiful sunny day and not too warm, a great day for a little hour-long drive. And boy, did we grub. We also ordered the rest of the pan of blackberry cobbler, Jon's favorite. It was a nice family lunch and we all had a great time.

Back in Houston it was time to get ready for the gig and I wore my blue denim jumpsuit and gold sandals, Jon telling me I looked "disco" but I didn't care! (BTW, I'd gotten Jon his bday gift a couple weeks ago; he told me he wanted and needed a new double gig bag, as his nylon one has been tearing in spots and just generally getting worn out, so he found a really nice leather one and we ordered it off Ebay. I tell you--that thing is NICE. And it was EXPENSIVE, but I was more than happy to get it for him b/c I know he needs it and he will use the CRAP out of it on his many gigs as well as travels.)

The gig was killer fun! Most of his family and friends were there and we danced and my friends were there (I'd actually had time to meet B. and T. and Catyaq and our friend Ron for dinner right before the show, and I ended up riding with them so I could just ride home with Jon at the end of the night) and drinks were flowing and I had my new camera and I was taking pic's left and right and everyone just had a lot of fun. Great, great night!

Sun. the 15th: Happy bday my sweet love! We went to Baytown to spend the day w/his family and he made us get there so early nothing was really going on yet so we went out on his mom's backyard patio and he played his National guitar and I sat in the sun and read. Soooo relaxing. Later everyone started to show up and we helped his mom get the food ready and his aunts came over and his sister and nephew and finally it was ready to eat and we grubbed. Everyone loved the cake balls! Later on his dad came over and I took a nap on the grass while the 2 kids made a grass blanket for me. And his mom made his favorite cake, yellow w/chocolate icing and put strawberries on it. We left late and were tired but totally happy.

So then I had to take him to the airport yesterday but he'll be back tomorrow from OH. I always miss him terribly at night, but last night I got a good practice session in. I'm the house bassist with him tomorrow night for the jam, and I still need more experimentation with my singing. Oy. Not sure what to do on some things, but I keep hearing that this process takes time. I certainly didn't become a decent violist or bassist in just a few months' time. Still, I am frustrated but know I just need to keep experimenting. It's just that you're so vulnerable as a singer! More practice and shedding will be done tonite.

Birthday Week... again!

So now it's Jon's bday week and we have major festivities planned for this weekend.

Well, he's runnoft to Baytown today to see his sis who's flown in from Chicago so not sure if he'll be joining li'l bro and me tonight for Alejandro, but his free concert tonight will kick off a fun-filled weekend. Then I must get to Jon's house for as well rested a night possible, for I will be getting my buns to the sheriff academy by 7:45 in the a.m. for a day of applicant testing. However, I've gotta beg off a little early by 11:30 so I can run and meet this cake balls chick for the batches of cake balls I've ordered for Jon's family get-together on Sunday, his actual bday. Then I've gotta whisk myself to his place in order to meet him and his mom and sisters so we can shoot on down about an hour away to Wharton TX for some of the best damn BBQ in the state, Hinze's! (Jon, Rich, Rich's wife and I ate there last Sun on the way back from Harlingen. Drool! And I'm not even a huge BBQ lover!)

Whew! As if that weren't enough then we gotta get on back and I gotta get to my house so's I can get ready for the big night: Jon and Rich's gig at the Big Easy. EVERYONE will be there! Well, most of mine and Jon's families, anyway, unfortunately Ma and Fred are out of town but Jon's parents, sisters, cousins, friends, etc etc will be there as it's also Jon's bday party gig. Aaaaaand, I've got the incomparable B. and T. coming down from Dallas for the show and they bringing Catyaq! So, yayyyyyyy! They're staying at my house which means I also gotta get the beds ready, finish tidying up, as I'll be staying at Jon's house.

Sunday it's family day at Jon's mom's house. I expect that to be a little bit of a relaxing breather--finally!

Birthday Week

So it's my b-day week and normally I am in full festivating swing for the whole month. This week however I don't feel so up. It's not even a "bad" birthday (though it IS an "almost-bad" birthday if you catch my drift). I had a Dr's appt on Monday that was upsetting, and then I had a serious discussion on Tuesday w/my stepdad about my mom's health and finances, both which are struggling. And basically I feel kind of powerless about all of the above and I'm not sure how to proceed in life. I mean, life will drag you along no matter what, but as everyone knows, ADELA IS A PLANNER. And right now it's hard to plan, based on the information I have to work with.

Today I went downtown to see Jon play the Blues N Burger concert and that was nice, as it was a beautiful sunny day and not as warm as it had been (so consequently I was cold in the shade but it was still nice out) and then we had a yummy lunch afterwards, outside at the cafe there. Jon knows I'm upset and stressed out this week and he's concerned, and frankly, he needs to be. He says he wants his happy girlfriend back but I don't know when that's going to happen. He could help out with that, but I'm not sure when he's going to be able to do so.

I'll be going w/him and Rich and Rich's wife to Harlingen TX this Friday as they're playing a blues festival down there on Saturday. I've decided I want to spend my bday w/my boyfriend, which is why I'm going and not staying here and participating in more I-Fest activities, as I did this past weekend and had killer fun doing. This past weekend was chock full o'fun, I have to say, though I missed Jon, who was up in the Pacific Northwest, touring w/Rich. But Phillipo, my bro, Enor, Bon, and all my other music/festival friends had a BLAST. Keb Mo on Sunday killed me. Robert Cray too. Kronos Quartet on Fri. night, who I've never seen was, as Enor put it, "transcendential." Saturday was Jimmie Vaughan, whom I've now seen 3 times in about a month. Fun, fun, fun. But I gave away my 2 extra I-fest tix as we'll be back from Harlingen on Sunday--I believe that's something like a 6-hr drive.

I don't even feel like going to the jam tonight. I am just riding such a bummer, I just want to go home, practice a little bit, maybe do some reading and watch one of my movies from Netflix.

Speeding Bullet Pt. 2

Ok, where I left off???

April 16:

Jon and Rich played a gig w/the musicians from their CD at that faraway club again and I went, along w/some of our friends, and my mom and stepdad came out again! They LOVE Jon.

April 17:

Day-long special patrol initiative that Mudflap talked me into doing. Not too exciting. Seriously went on a "Alligator found on golf course pond" call and a "Loose cows on freeway feeder" call! Fortunately Jon was able to drop me off and pick me up since my district is on the way to Baytown and he went to spend the day w/his mom.

April 18:

Passover dinner w/Enor and some of our musician pals. I don't like the restaurant she picked so I had yummy Reisling.

April 20-21:

Gigs w/Jon. Served as his bassist for the Weds. jam at Big Easy and I sang 2 songs and I totally need to work on my confidence and strength b/c my insecurity came across. (BTW I had to sacrifice my ticket to see Bruce Hornsby that night at the House of Blues, sob! But I need the gig and the $ more.)

The Thurs. night gig was w/him and our harmonica frenemy, who I swore I'd never play with again after last summer--but again, I need the gig and the $ as I'm saving up for a 5-string bass.

April 22:

Earth Day and our pater familias' bday. I had the day off from work and Jon and I rode our bikes all over town! Went to the museum to see the Impressionist exhibit, then rode to dinner, then to our friends' gig near his house. Awesommmmmmmmme day!!!

April 23:

Gig again w/Jon and our harmonica frenemy, a private party. They had a bass-shaped cake and I was totally delighted! Fun times, and this time I sang 3 songs and tried to be strong and confident. Jon told me it was a lot better. After the gig Jon and I packed up and went to Baytown as we'd plans to spend Easter w/his mom and family.

Ugh, I am having a really Bad Process right now so will finish April later. The Process has been weirdly sporadic all year, as we all know, and now it seems to have come back permanently with a vengeance. I still want to go to the jam tonight and practice my singing and Phillipo and Enor said they'd meet me there. A couple drinks might help the pain, b/c the 600 mg. painkillers aren't lasting long.

Movin' Faster Than The Speeding Bullet

Good lord. I just ain't had time to even meet myself coming and going, as they say. I guess I'll hafta sum up April thusly:

April 4-6:

Wonderful (if cold!) trip to Columbus OH w/Jon. Played with some blues greats for some cancer patients and was thrilled and totally humbled to be there. Felt out of place but tried my best. Had my hair done in killer rock star style so that may have helped. Chuckle! Praying to be invited back to play some more, but who knows... There was video on the news but I just checked and it's been deleted already.

April 8:

Played a gig at a Thai restaurant w/Jon and his partner Rich. Totally amusing. We ate really good food for free and got paid so whatever. I quote Rich's song constantly, "A Gig is a Gig."

April 9:

Played another gig w/Jon and Rich. Their incredible guitarist friend J.P. (who was in town to play some shows) showed up and sat in with us. What the hell was I doing there? Anyway, it was awesome. Then Jon had to run out of town to play a gig in Corpus Christi w/our harmonica frenemy and I ran to see J.P.'s in-store at Cactus. Then I made the band come across the street w/me and Phillipo for drinks, which was fun. Then we went to see them play that night at the Big Easy. Waaaaay fun!

April 11:

Drinks at the Lancaster Hotel and an early bday present from Enor: Tickets to the concerto winners at the Hobby Center! Really took me back to my youth. Great music. Soul soothing and therapeutic.

April 12:

Gig w/Jon and Rich--NO DRUMMER. Me on bass and fiddle and incredibly, my mom and stepdad came all the way out there to see us (a good 45-min. drive for them!). I also sang a song. The show was recorded by our bassist friend in the audience (also the bassist on Jon and Rich's CD). I was a little shaky on fiddle and vocals but we played on a Tues. night for 15 people so whatever. Good paid rehearsal, as we say.

Ok, I'm at Job #2 now and I'm tired from the last few days and tonight is my 1st night at my house in a week and I had to take Jon to the airport early this a.m. and I miss him and my Process started and blah blah blah I'm gwine home now.

The Funeral of PineTop

Whew! What a past few days. Insane-like and whirlwind and FUN. Jeez, I'm gwine try to do this as best I can b/c too much has happened lately.

The Funeral of Pinetop Perkins, Austin TX, 3/28/11

I managed to get off work at noon so I could rush to Jon's house and we could meet his mandolin partner Rich and Jon's other partner, the great singer D, at Rich's house for the drive to Austin. Pinetop Perkins had been on one of Rich's CD and it's an incredible story of how that happened, which I found out at the funeral and which I'll tell in a minute here. D and Pinetop were very close; so close that he would come to visit her in Houston and they'd spend time together. She'd cook for him, etc., and they drove together from Houston to Austin and played together at festivals, etc. Jon of course was lucky enough to play w/Pinetop several times (on that note, so was my dear friend Rozzy!). I was just along to pay my respects and I felt soooo grateful to be there with them.

We got to Austin to the funeral home and it was a who's who of legends up in there. Bob Margolin for cryin' out loud (who is also very close w/Jon and D) and who I was totally starstruck to meet, his having been featured in my favorite damn movie of ALL TIME. Marcia Ball. Chris Layton. James Cotton. Willie "Big Eyes" Smith. There was a PA and instruments set up, ready for the musical tributes. And it was all so overwhelming and touching and I got to meet Pinetop's people. Here's a writeup of the funeral. Here's photos from the day, and you can see the back of Jon and the back/top of my head in photo #28 (we're on the right, sitting in a pew towards the front--Jon has his arm draped over the back of the pew and he's wearing a black jacket and you can see his light purple shirt collar). At one point I was at the coffin, looking at Pinetop (both Jon and Rich have a distaste for doing so and neither could do it) and James Cotton came up and stood next to me. Later on, after the funeral was over I spoke to him, telling him how much I'd enjoyed his singing when he opened for Levon a few years ago and he asked me to tell Levon hi for him next time I saw him. Which I certainly will, should I get the chance!

And BTW, the story of Pinetop playing on Rich's CD is this: a few years ago the Grammy's decided to give Pinetop a lifetime achievement Grammy. But they wouldn't pay to fly him out to L.A. for the ceremony and Pinetop couldn't afford it!!!!!!!!!!!! So Rich, who was living in L.A. at the time, offered to pay to fly him out, put him up at a hotel, and Pinetop could record the tracks on Rich's CD the weekend of the Grammy's. And that's what happened. A win-win situation for EVERYONE concerned. BTW, Pinetop was buried wearing his Grammy medallion around his neck.

After much tears and music and laughter (the opening song was one of Pinetop's more well-known numbers that he always did [sometimes twice if he forgot he'd already played it!!!], "How Long" and Margolin sang it and actually, it's one of my favorite songs, we visited w/a few more people (Jon's gal pal was also there, the same one we'd ran into the week before in Austin) and we came THISCLOSE to going to EAT w/Margolin but in the end he realized he had to go set up at Antone's for the musical tribute so the 4 of us just went to grab a bite at Carlos Santana's restaurant which is a block behind Antone's. D and I enjoyed margaritas and actually, the food was pretty darn good. Then we traipsed over to the packed house at Antone's, where D and Jon were expected to play, as Margolin was running the whole shindig.

We sat in Pinetop's manager's reserved, guest of honor seats section. Truly, I was trying to take the whole day in with stride and coolness but inside I was like "OhMyGod this is all so amazing and I'm rubbing elbows with these legends of blues and business and AAAAAAAHHHHH!" but I knew Jon expected me to behave myself so I tried my very best to do so. Actually I did see a couple of people I knew, including a favorite comic writer of mine who just married a friend of ours and I gave him a big hug. Later I ran into her too and gave her several hugs. BTW she has just recorded her latest album at Levon's studio--LUCKY!!!!! In truth, no one deserves it more than she, as she's a killer talent and genuine sweetheart. I also ran into another friend of ours who is a virtuoso and master of the Chapman Stick and when Jon and D finally got up onstage to do 2 songs (at midnight, unfortunately, and we were bone weary tired by then) I danced with my pal and his wife. And yes--I would have sold my right ass to get up with them and I was praying to God that I'd be allowed to do so but it didn't happen--Margolin played bass with them. Oh well. It ain't my time yet I guess.

After they did 1 song D sang her a cappella song that she's known for and brought the whole house to a hush. Then we got the heck out of there--D was miffed that she'd been forced to wait so long to get up, but come on--James Cotton, Marcia Ball, Bob Margolin, Big Eyes Smith, HAD to play first! They're international superstars/recording artists, and so are D and Jon but not nearly at that level, so come on. Anyway, we got home to Houston around 4am and I went to work the next day, heart full of the whole experience. Here's Margolin's touching writeup of the whole day, including loving words towards Jon and D.

Ok, so tomorrow I have GOT to write about last weekend in Austin (again! Chuckle, I can't seem to stay away from that town lately) and then the beautiful time I had this past Monday-Weds. in Columbus OH, playing bass for Jon and other blues notables, for a good cause.