Hoo-Ah. I Need a Drink

I've been feeling pretty good, I hafta say. Decent weekend, seeing glimpses here and there of peace, serenity, even happiness at times which is huge. Dealing with things, people, conflict in a more peaceful way, not raging as much and I feel a lot of my old bad destructive habits and outlooks slipping away, slowly but surely. However today I am just feeling blah again. I led the SLAA meeting on Sunday, my 2nd time and my topic was "balance" b/c that is something I've been struggling with. Big huge surprise, it was a difficult topic for most of the women to share on! There was big silence several times! That's b/c as addicts we are unfamiliar with living a life of balance, we are very black and white and extreme. It was funny sad. But I know I need to strive for more balance and am determined to do so.

Tonite JFu and I will return to the open mic we went to last week. It was pretty cool, nice vibe, laid back, not a huge crowd but JFu just needs to get re-accustomed to performing live and this is an acceptable way to get her to do so for now. Hopefully my SLAA GF/neighbor will meet us up there, the more the merrier. (She has to meet w/a sponsee tonite so can't come with me, as she did last week.)

No word from Enor still and today makes 1 week. I don't really care. It kinda concerns me but whatever, she's not my problem. I still wish I had more female friends and am working on that, though I've pulled away from some of the SLAA girls b/c some of them just seem too... and I'm sorry to say this, but damaged. I mean, I'm damaged too but I don't have to deal w/shit like eating disorders, alcoholism, and drug abuse. One of the women I was becoming close to but she shared on Sunday how uncomfortable and triggered she was on Sat night when they all went to dinner and one girl was talking about how yummy her wine was. Well, if it makes her uncomfortable for someone to be drinking around her, and I love to drink, well, I'm not sure I want to hang around her anymore b/c I'll be worrying about triggering her. I just wish there were more SLAA women like me, a little more balanced, know what I mean?!?! And I'm still not balanced but I'm a lot more balanced than a lot of these women.

I had a great time on Sat night ALL BY MYSELF. I had to turn around en route to Luling b/c Tito J got sick and I went to Sealy for BBQ at Hinze's, where I'd only been once before w/Jon and Bear. So I decided to make Hinze's BBQ a new memory for me, all about me, MY new memory and I had a great dinner in the same room we sat in last time. Took 2 desserts to go. Then I went to Katy Mills Mall where I'd never been before, again to create a new memory for myself. I walked the whole mall and scored some KILLER deals and had a very enjoyable time being anonymous in a new mall and peacefully doing some shopping but not spending much $ as it was tax-free weekend and the sales were out of this world. I have to say--it was actually FUN, just spending time with myself on a Sat night. New for me. But fun.

Going home to Scotty Star now, will play w/her and then head out to play some music.

Crying=Getting Out the Toxins!

That's what my therapist says. It does feel good to cry and Lord knows I've been doing it pretty much every day. I'm reading lots of addiction/recovery books and something has crossed over in me where I feel so much empathy for these fucked up sick people for the 1st time in my life ever and frequently their stories make me burst out in tears. I guess b/c I have finally realized I'm a sick addict myself.

Anyway, this week has gone ok. Stayed home Mon. nite which I am still getting used to--staying home and enjoying my home/cat/household duties and projects/solitude--well I am not so much enjoying the solitude b/c I'm still not 100% used to it--but I do know it's good for me to rest at home and it's been fun to watch Scotty Star play and get hyper and I am now letting her out on the patio under my watchful eye. So far the fence is too high for her to jump over and as long as she stays off the tree she should be ok. She is getting bigger though! Her tail seems longer to me, her little face is growing into her ears, and she weighs more, I can tell!

Tues. was strange b/c both my most recent ex's had gigs that night and my open-mic w/JFu was cancelled b/c she got sick over the weekend. I took advantage of the evening and practiced, but then realized I wanted to get out and play so I went to the Tuesday night jam, which I haven't been to since last year. A SLAA girlfriend even met me there and I was so tickled she came out to support me!!! It was a slow night for jammers so I played and sang 4 and then played on 3 others! Then I went home, happy I got it all out of my system.

Weds. night I was actually happy to rest at home, though I had to work on my sheriff Personnel file which took over 2 damn hours. Glad I got the bulk of that work done though.

Last nite I went to the SLAA meeting and met w/my sponsor afterwards and I am excited to say I have finally (after a month of hard work) finished Step 1. I can collect my Step 1 chip on Sat at the morning meeting! I cannot wait to tackle Step 2, which I hear is a LOT easier than Step 1. I got no problem with my higher power, and have nicknamed him "Jesus" pronounced like the Spanish version (Hey-seuss). I pray to him all the time these days, believe me. Then I went home to chill and watch my DVR'd Project Runway but Rozzy called me and invited me to dinner and I took him up on the offer, especially when he offered to come to Outback Steakhouse by my house. We had a great steak and shrimp dinner and I had 2 Crown and Diet cokes and he treated, which was so nice of him. I got home, full and happy and just in time to get into bed.

In fact, I am soooo excited b/c he says we should start a blues trio, him on guitar and me on bass!!! I. Would. LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll be getting together this Sun so I can show him the songs I already sing. I am also rehearsing w/JFu earlier that day and I am excited about a day of musical fellowship. I need it, boy.

Today I rode my bike to work all by myself and I was a tad nervous about it, but I was determined to just do it carefully, take my time, and be as safe as possible. I had a mishap where I jumped a curb and the chain slipped off but I just remained calm, prayed my ass off, and somehow managed to figure out how to get it back on and continue my ride. I prayed "Thank you Jesus" over and over again and now realize there will be no more curb-jumping for me!

Tonight there is really nothing going on that is exciting me too much, so the plan is to ride home, shower when I get home as I'll be DRIPPING sweat in this 102 degree heat, have a banana split for dinner and my leftover steak from last night, and go shoe shopping as I need some cool, open-toe elegant sandals for work. Home to Scotty Star and will catch up on DVR watching and reading and rest. SLAA meeting 1st thing in the morning, as is my Saturday morning habit now.

Things Are Progressing

As I stated previously, I have been spending time journaling as part of my recovery process. I have a "12-Step" notebook. The 1st part is the Step work and the latter part is my journaling; so I've been a bit scarce here in the blogosphere. But things are progressing slowwwwwwwly but surely they are progressing. I got asked to lead the meeting this past Sat., my 5th anniversary of starting the program! I was very nervous but I knew I needed to give it a shot. My topic was "withdrawal" (since I'm very much in the throes of withdrawal) and the process of it, the gifts people have received from it, etc.

It was a miracle that I got asked b/c literally 20 min. after the phone call asking me to lead the meeting came it, I was sitting w/my SLAA text and my 12-step meditation book on my lap--neither of which I'd looked at in 3-4 days b/c I'd been busy reading my library books--and a text came through on my phone. It was from "Avoidant Asshole" and you can guess who that is. It stated, "He's gone..." and I knew from my past peeking at his FB page what it was referring to, and that is the death from cancer of his beloved cat who was fond of sleeping on me when we went to visit him.

God had stepped in. God had put the SLAA text on my lap when that text came in. I felt sad, sorrow for the loss of the cat, sadness for the Avoidant Asshole, and then I felt furious anger!!! Anger that the A.A. had the fucking NERVE, the GALL, to reach out to ME to garner sympathy like I'm his fucking FRIEND, or something?!?!?! I cried, cried, cried, but instead of responding to the text, I immediately called my sponsor. When she didn't answer I began calling other women in the program, and none answered. Finally one of them called me back and she got me through it. She said I am NOT a selfish bitch for not responding, and told me about Psalm 103. She said I don't owe him an explanation, EVER. It's our codependent addict that feels like we have to explain ourselves to people. She also said that if I were to respond to the text and make contact w/him it would be like sticking the heroin needle back in my arm since I'm in withdrawal from him and my love addiction. (And I had been doing so well at not peeking at his FB page anymore b/c every time I did I would be sad/teary the rest of the day, so I'd finally decided to STOP doing that to myself.)

I realized that him sending me that text truly shows what a selfish, heartless prick HE is, since when he broke up w/me he left me and MY loved ones, i.e., my extremely sick mother. He doesn't give a shit about me and my loved ones, why should I give a shit about him and his loved ones??? Another woman called me later and pointed out that he was selfish with me our entire relationship, so now it's MY turn to be selfish. My sponsor called me and said that he sent that text b/c he lives in his ego. Another woman told me that "One man's selfish is another man's self-care" and I was doing the right thing for myself by not responding. These women got me THROUGH it, boy.

The major thing I want to point out though, is that I truly, honestly did NOT want to respond to him. I am 100% committed to myself now, through this program, and I have suffered 6 weeks of withdrawal HELL. I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to go BACKWARDS now. I can only keep progressing. Or I'm going TO DIE. Seriously. I have no choice to but to save myself now. Which now that I've written that down, I have to say, it's a little comforting b/c when you have only 1 choice in life, you don't have to think about anything but doing that one thing.

I still cried for an hour or so, but then I went to my pre-planned "Cousin meeting" at the teahouse w/my brother and 2 cousins. We try to do this from time to time to catch up and maintain communication and familial bonding. It was a good time w/them, even if I did have to wear my sunglasses the whole time so they wouldn't see I'd been crying.

Today I read in my SLAA text this sentence: "We realized in order to maintain sobriety it was necessary to be a jerk." I hate to think of myself as a "selfish jerk", but I know what they mean. Especially since I've spent my whole life as a codependent, it's time to think only of me for once.

I had a good weekend, led the meeting on Sat., spend Sat. afternoon watching Tom and Jerry cartoons, then went to the pool, then to Star Pizza for dinner w/the girls, then to Target w/a couple of the girls. Sunday was a little tough b/c I returned to the Big Easy for the 1st time for a major event which was Big Walter's 97th bday party and I had to take a 1/2 valium beforehand in the desperate hope that would keep me calm enough to not break out into hives and faint. It was fine though, and I saw some nice people and had a yummy beer and got some nice hugs, and was there for less than an hour before having to leave for the Sunday afternoon SLAA meeting.