Much Needed Mental Health Day Today

I really, really needed it. God knows I did. And although it's only evening and I sit here at Job #2, today really, really helped. Huge sigh of relief b/c I really had no choice--the way things have been going lately--but to take some time to just freakin' BREATHE.

Today I was able to sleep in a little bit, then hung up some clothes and put away some laundry, then I hung my painting ("Big Pink") that I got for playing a gig last winter that's been just sitting in the corner of the living room, and I played w/Scotty Star a bit. Then I went to the pool, where I blissfully had it all to myself and I floated in the water on my lounging float, worked on my tan and read my library book (_Sex on the Moon_), allowing myself to take a damn break from all my SLAA/Recovery/12 Step reading for once. Took a shower and then hopped on my bike "Lightnin' Hop'ons" to take an adventurous bike ride to a local bike shop. That's b/c, although I was unable to go to dinner w/everyone last night after our monthly sheriff meeting (since they returned to the restaurant we always go to and it's in you-know-who's neighborhood and I'm still feeling unable to return there w/out feeling sad and anguished), God threw me another couple bones at the meeting by 1. Letting me WIN a $50 American Express gift card!!! and 2. Making the meeting over way sooner than usual!!! So I went to the bike shop to buy some much-needed supplies: a tire pump (on sale!), a lock, and a storage pouch. AWESOME.

Then I went home and had a homemade banana split for lunch--even had whipped cream and cherries in my fridge! And now I'm here at Job #2 for a bit. Will swing by the Borders on the way home since they're going seriously out of business and perhaps buy this codependency book I saw recently. Since it's true that I have made the realization that I am a total codependent (as all Love Addicts are) and yes, I am totally ready to work on that aspect of my dysfunctionality, including seeing a new therapist this coming Thursday so we can start whipping my ass into shape.

Meanwhile, I am just trying to avoid men as much as possible, except for my brother and other safe men, like Tito J. However, most men are not, in fact, safe, as the ones that are even my closest friends have ulterior motives and would corrupt me if they could and I simply cannot have that in my life anymore b/c it's just NOT HEALTHY. I had some frustration last week when I went to the blues jam on Thurs. night and Rozz showed up b/c I made the mistake of happening to mention I was going to be there. And I just wanted to be left alone and hang out w/Bon, and not be distracted by any freakin' men. Then Fri was even more annoying as I went to the Gourds/Doyle Bramhill concert and Phillipo showed up b/c I made the mistake of posting that event on my Facebook page. And I just wanted to be left alone w/Enor and Bon and not have Phillipo be following me around like he always does. Jesus!!!

Sat. night I did a bunch of stuff during the day and then had dinner w/one of my new SLAA girlfriends. I am somewhat jealous of her b/c she is on 100% Guy Restriction, meaning she has dropped ALL men from her life for the time being. I really, really wish I could do that. And I'm definitely trying to avoid all my guy friends for right now. Even SC the sweet keyboardist is getting on my nerves, sending me flirty texts/chats. So I took myself off chat on both email and Facebook so people (i.e., guys, b/c that's all that ever pops up wanting to chat w/me) will leave me the fuck alone.

Anyway so I'm still going through the roller coaster of emotional days that is inherent in my breakup sadness and my withdrawal from my addiction/codependency on stupid men. I am definitely avoiding my dad, who also keeps pestering me. Still, I can't help but notice that when I'm feeling total despair (like I was on Monday) God keeps throwing me bones to keep me afloat. I don't know what else to attribute these little gems of happiness that keep popping up. B/c another source of my depression is that my mom's health is rapidly deteriorating. She has really spit the bit and lately is doing things that could be construed as a danger to herself. My stepdad, my brother, and I are at a loss as to what to do. Today I finally suggested to my stepdad that my mom might have to be admitted as an inpatient somewhere. It's THAT bad.

In the meantime I just have to keep going to meetings, working on myself, seeing my therapist, and trying to get through the days and hours. Another bright spot: JFu came over on Sat and we rehearsed and we'll go do the open mic at the Mucky Duck next Monday.

Wow. What a Week. Willie High Still Going!

Heh. I said "Willie high." Heh.

Well, so yeah, I thought Monday and Tues would be excruciatingly difficult and depressing b/c you-know-who was back in town for those 2 days but honestly, I was so busy working and yes, riding on my total Willie high, and having an amazingly wonderful evening in Luling TX on Tues. night w/Tito J. that I barely even thought about him. I spent Mon nite w/one of my SLAA girlfriends who lives real close to me too, and that was great. We went to a cozy, adorable little coffee shop right in our 'hood and I had bought some Groupons awhile back so we drank tea and got some pastries on the total cheap. She is also a singer/songwriter and we made plans to go do the Mucky Duck open mic in a couple weeks. I will perform w/J. Fu and I am so excited! J. Fu and I are getting together this weekend to begin rehearsing for our duo project. I have 7 solid songs down that I'm singing, and need to finish working up about 3 more.

So Monday went by well and fast. Tuesday the same, I got off work early, went home to change clothes and spend a little bit of time w/Scotty Star, then I hit the road to Luling. It was a nice, peaceful 2-hr drive and I got caught up on some podcasts which was awesome, since I get backed up on them as I mostly listen to just music when I'm running around here. Met Tito J. at a local hole in the wall and we had the chicken fried steak and may I just say, that was some serious comfort food and hit the very spot it needed to hit!!!!!! I ate the whole thing and for me, lately, that is really unusual! Then we went across to a fun, happy little coffee shop/cafe, had tea and just sat there and joked around and shot the shit for awhile. In fact--Tito J. and I have made plans to make "Luling Dinner Visit" a regular occurrence from now on! Monthly would be great! We want to try the food at the adorable coffee shop and of course, we MUST try Luling's famous BBQ one of these days. I was so full from dinner I couldn't even do dessert anywhere! I had another nice, easy drive home (thanking God for getting me there and back safely) and got home around 11:30pm, at which time I was ready to get in bed w/Scotty Star and fall fast asleep, which I did.

Now, Wednesday (yesterday) was a strange day. I had so much fun at work: an awesome catered lunch meeting at the Hilton that was sooooo yummy and we also had champagne! Then we had a beer/wine/snack break at Job #1 that was also so much fun. But I began to suffer withdrawal pains (and yes, b/c I have an addiction I am definitely going through withdrawal [staying away from men/trying to get over my need for attention from men], on top of breakup pains that are still very fresh) and had to call a few of my SLAA women friends. They really helped, so much. I cried in the morning and at night, though. Maybe I was starting to crash from the "Willie high", not kidding. I stayed home last night and that was hard, esp. since Enor went back to the Big Easy jam after we'd both been staying away for the past few weeks, and I was tempted to go too but I knew I had to do lots of self-care tasks (we in recovery are very big on self-care and in SLAA I've learned about H.A.L.T., to not let myself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired) as well as SLAA reading and continuing to work on my Step 1 worksheet, which is a bear. I also had to practice my songs some more in prep for rehearsal w/J. Fu this weekend. I had plenty to do, but I am trying to change my energy (in my case, SLOW DOWN) as part of my recovery process. And that's one reason I adopted Scotty Star, so I'd need to stay home more!!!

But the other thing I was danger of doing last night was going out and getting a hookup. I was feeling like, "Wow, I feel so good and happy lately, why not feel even better and go out and get some male attention/affection and get laid???" So I called the SLAA women and spoke to my sponsor and they made me realize what was behind those crazy thoughts I was having. As my sponsor put it, "You've been so happy lately and none of your happiness has had anything to do with a man. So why ruin it?" Man--what a hell of a point she made there. Another SLAA woman said that since I'm going through withdrawal--and it is PAINFUL--if I slip then I'll have to start all over again. Ohhhhh... fuck that. I never want to go through this misery again. It's hard, dudes, it's hard. SLAA has a pamphlet on withdrawal and it lists 17 symptoms you may experience. I have 12 of the symptoms on the list.

Tonite I wanna go out though. Blooze jam and my ex, M., is hosting. My friend Bon hopefully will go too. I'm also going out tomorrow night, as the Gourds are having a free concert w/Doyle Bramhill. That'll be killer! And then the weekend starts and yes, I am pretty much booked solid. Again. Sigh. Not sure how this happens, but oh well. Anyway, 2 of those bookings are SLAA meetings so that's great for me.

(I also found out some good news though, at the CD release party on Tues. night I only missed 1 legend, Bob Margolin. The others were not scheduled to come in, so God's bone that He threw me was even better!!!)

Yesterday: One of the Best Days of My Life

No hyperbole!!! I FINALLY after all these years got to meet my hero, Willie Nelson!!! And take a picture with him!!!

But the best part was just what a wonderful day it was, the whole day from start to finish, and how God put me on the right path to make it all fall into place perfectly, and just how God threw me a bone b/c of all I've been going through lately. The biggest bone he coulda thrown me. And don't think I don't recognize it or appreciate it.

And may I just say (as I said on my Twitter) how incredibly friendly and generous and sweet and gentlemanly ALL of Willie's people are! Paul English is the sweetest gentleman ever (amazing when you consider he was a real badass back in the day!) and his brother Billy is just as sweet and friendly. I met Paul in the hallway of the convention center yesterday afternoon (I was working security for the Annual TX Sheriff's Conference), recognized him, and he just gave me a big ol' hug--and I was in uniform and he didn't even care, all that mattered to him was that I was a fan!!! Then last night as I was hanging out backstage (and I'd brought Enor w/me--I HAD to--no way would I have enjoyed the night nearly as much had she not been there!!!) Paul said "Have you met Bee Spears?" and introduced me. I saw Mickey Raphael and said "Oooh I'd love to meet him" and Paul said "Go right ahead, he's real friendly" and he was!

And they were just so tickled by me and kept saying how cute I was and they made me their personal security guard for the night and "fill-in bassist" if necessary and I got to dance w/Paul and so did Enor and Bee brought over his beautiful Epiphone bass ("They don't make these anymore!" he kept exclaiming) and let me play it and they asked me to handcuff Mickey Raphael and everyone took pictures and it was just ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. Bee also gave me his phone # so I could call him and he offered to send me all kinds of DR bass strings and told me he gets hookups on all kinds of basses and amps and said he likes to help out young musicians like me!!! OMG.

At one point I couldn't resist it, I had to pull out the iPhone and show them all my FB profile pic and say "Here's what I really look like!" and they were all so tickled. Mickey asked me if I was a runner (after seeing my legs) and said yes, and also a bicyclist, and turns out Mickey is a road bicyclist. I later saw his pic riding bikes w/Bob Dylan's road crew! And can I just say how TALL Mickey is and how young-looking and HANDSOME?!?! Enor and I invited Paul and Billy out to the Big Easy w/us and Billy said he'd love to (esp. when we told him it was Zydeco night) but they had a 6am flight. I couldn't believe I was watching a Willie Nelson concert from the side of the stage and was hanging out with the band members! I'm talking like, hanging out with Mickey and Bee for like 30 min. and with Billy and Paul for like an hour! And since Paul now plays only on a song or 2 with Willie he was backstage most of the time and came and stood right by me for a long time!!!

God did this for me. There is NO question about it. I'm so sad/mad about having to miss the big CD release party tomorrow night b/c I choose to not see, hear, or be around you-know-who right now and I'm just so upset about having to miss the legends they are bringing in to play: Bob Margolin, Anson Funderburgh, and Smokin' Joe Kubek. I have decided I need to run out of town to Luling TX to have dinner w/Joel so I'm not anywhere in the vicinity of Houston TX tomorrow evening. Well... God threw me a bone, like I say, the biggest one he coulda thrown: he GAVE me WILLIE NELSON, PAUL ENGLISH, BILLY ENGLISH, BEE SPEARS, MICKEY RAPHAEL, and BOBBIE NELSON. To hang out with all night and to watch their show from the side of the stage and to share their food/drink/dessert and to take tons and tons of pictures with. God gave me a truly incomparable experience to make up for everything. I KNOW that, in my heart of hearts.

So Here It Is

Here's what's going on. I am (sigh) a Codependent Sex and Love Addict. Meanwhile, Jon is an Avoidant. Wow. And here's the chart. Classic, black and white, there it is. (Well... I'm not AS much of a Sex Addict as I am a Love Addict, but I definitely have the pattern of acting out sexually. So it is a danger for me as well.)

Good lord have I got a ton of work to do. I have the Step 1 worksheet I've been working on all week. I had to go buy a spiral notebook today b/c I need all that extra room to write! My friend T. says I should say I'm a "recovering" Sex and Love addict, as he used to say he was a "recovering" alcoholic in his AA meetings. Yeah, possibly, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, meanwhile I'm suffering through extreme painful withdrawal right now! No fucking fun!

The good news is that I know each day will get better and I spoke to a women from the Monday night meeting a little while ago when I was in tears who told me I will NEVER go through this again. Wow, that's heavy. They also said on Mon. nite that the program has pretty much a 100% success rate of everyone who finishes the steps. I believe. I believe!!!

No Club Remix tonite, I'm so tired and Enor is bummed due to the death of an old boss/father figure and I had rehearsal last nite and got SLAA meeting tomorrow followed by meeting w/sponsor and then I leave town on Fri to go to the Leo gig so I need a damn nite to myself this week. I am definitely looking forward to a Saturday of R&R at the ranch though. I hope to sleep in, read, go swimming, relax, play the evening gig, and make it home safe late Sat. night. I gotta come back 1 day early b/c I have to work a security shift from 8:30-4p on Sun. Sheesh.

Need to relax tonite. Read, write, work on the worksheet, pick out my outfits to get ready to pack, and just breathe. And love and pet Scotty Star of course.

Blogging and Life Right Now

So I'm going through a major transition of having to TOTALLY CHANGE MY LIFE and so I may not be blogging here as much b/c I'm going to have to buy a paper journal for the 12-step program I am currently in. I've been to 4 meetings in a week and a day and I've got 2 more this week. Won't be able to attend any meetings next weekend as I'll be in Chappell Hill gigging Fri-Sat, then have to work all day next Sun on a security job but I've got a sponsor for my 12-steps and I have to attend 6 meetings right now so I'm doing that, even sacrificing hours at Job #2 to do so. But my life is at stake here (not life-and-death dramatically so, just my life in terms of my peace/happiness/well-being) so I gotta do it.

Still on the roller coaster. Crappy weekend. Tough day today, even breaking out into hives all over and freaking out, but I called a bunch of women from the program and one helped me do a breathing exercise over the phone that brought me back to sanity and made the hives disappear in only an hour as opposed to 3 hrs. Spending time at home reading the literature (pamphlets, books) and spending time with Scotty Star is helping. Meeting this afternoon followed by coffee w/3 of the women and that was really really awesome. I just want to be left alone by men right now most of all. I hid you-know-who from my Facebook feed. I keep thinking of the list I made of things I will not miss about him or was annoyed by and more have popped up. He didn't like it when I wore hats--and I love to wear hats. He called me "dork" sometimes and I told him he didn't need to be calling me mean names. He was very much a music snob and was kind of mean the way he spoke of fellow musicians sometimes. (So what if he was right most of the time? Didn't need to be so mean and critical.)

Busy as ass week ahead: Monday night meeting. Tuesday night rehearsal. Wednesday night me and Enor and Phillipo returning to Club Remix. Thurs. night meeting and Enor coming over so I can give her a gate clicker and brief her on feeding Scotty Star when I'm away on Fri. In between, lots and lots of reading, serenity praying, and trying to take care of myself.

Ugh.

So here I am, going through the roller coaster of emotions that follow a heartbreaking breakup. Look at that, I don't even want to use the word "gwine", that's how fowl a mood I'm in TODAY. I mean, yesterday was groovy. I agreed to play a gig w/Leo next weekend in Chappell Hill Tx, a Fri-Sat night gig where they'll put us up at a ranch, feed us, and pay us. Right now I'm glad to be playing, which is why I'm doing it, and I also think some time away (even if Chappell Hill is only an hour away) will do me some good.

And last night Phillipo, Enor and I went back to Club Remix and had drinks and popcorn and enjoyed another great time and killer music and Phillipo and I got up and did 3 songs again and it was just fun. And my kitten, Scotty Star, is just the most precious and loving and adorable cat... ever. She is so fun to have around and it's great to sleep w/her and the only down side is I HATE leaving her when I have to leave the house b/c she meows so much and it's just so hard b/c I so love our time at home alone and I know she loves me sooooo much. But I have to go to work b/c she is getting the best of everything: Science Diet kitty food (hard and a little soft thrown in from time to time), the best healthy treats, toys galore, and she has her 1st vet visit next Monday for her well-kitten checkup.

But today I just feel blahhhhhh... I did however spend a lot of time chatting w/my dear keyboard friend SCC and he also loves me too. (He's the one writing the musical about me.) He admitted he'd love to come be w/me and have a family w/me and I said that was sweet of him to offer, chuckle! And he wants me to come visit him in Annapolis soooo bad, and now he wants me to come play a (non-paying) gig w/him in Sept. in Milwaukee. It's sweet to hear and know, but that's all I feel about it. He's great but that's as far as my feelings go. And right now the idea of men is just EXHAUSTING me. I really do want to be single for awhile, I really do. I'm reading all these books by Drs. Cloud and Townsend and they are really, really helping me. They're inspiring me to feel stronger and ready to tackle myself as an improvement project. I want to focus on myself and my friends. I'm going to another LSAA meeting tonite and I'll return to the one on Saturday morning too. Got a therapy session tomorrow. I'm trying to keep my food down when the roller coaster swings me around the bad parts... but that's so hard. And ONLY TIME will do the trick which is the hardest part.

On My Own... But Not Alone!

My therapist and several friends agreed with me that it was a good idea to get a kitten. So I did! Enor and I went to the SPCA on Friday and I picked one kitten to take to the "get acquainted" room. We had a good time and the vibes were good. Enor said to get a girl cat b/c boy cats piss in your shoes when they get mad at you, which I do know to be a true fact. Plus, I'm trying to stay away from men right now so even better. Her name was "Star" which I also thought was a good sign.

However Tito J and I had plans to go to the beach on Saturday so I couldn't officially adopt her on Fri, but rather Saturday, (b/c once you adopt them they get neutered and you pick them up the next day) so I promised to come back Sat. morning. Fri. night Tito J came into town and we went to dinner w/his family members and friends that I hadn't seen in a long time. Then we went to a new Karoake place where it was only private rooms and you could BYOB. I sang 3 songs and around midnight Tito J and I were ready to head home, so we did and it was a nice, safe environment for me.

Sat. morning I picked up my bro and he accompanied me to an LSAA meeting. I was nervous, especially when the co-ed meeting I'd decided on was in a building that was locked down (for the holidays?) so he talked me into rushing over just a few miles to another set of meetings that was split women/men. So we split up and I found myself in a room with about a dozen other women. I listened to them, then I spoke and cried and I have to say, it was helpful. I couldn't relate to everything the other women were saying but I certainly could relate to a lot. I'm glad I went to a women-only meeting and I will return. After the meeting there were lots of hugs and people thrusting their phone #'s at me and since I was a newcomer, lots of pamphlets for me to take home and read. Then I met my bro and he had nothing but a comical surreal experience. Yes, I'll return to the women's meeting!

Then I hurried to the SPCA and Star was still there (I knew she'd be) and I went to visit her one more time and then I adopted her and went home to meet Tito J. The beach was awesome. I wore my new pink monokini and bought a new shark-decorated boogie board and 2 shark-tooth necklaces, something I been wanting for awhile. The sun was hot, the water was warm, there were tons of people there (which normally I don't like but right now enjoyed immensely) and we got some good beach time in. On our way home we went to a Louisiana restaurant on our way home that Rozzy happened to be playing at, so it was the perfect end to an excellent day. After that Tito J took me to Target so I could buy the preliminary cat care items.

Sun. Tito J wanted to come and play in the pool, and I had a couple hours before I had to go pick up "Scotty Star" (promised Brandone I'd name the cat after him, even if it was a girl!) so we did that, and found that my HOA would be throwing a 4th of July weekend party w/food/drink but until then we had the pool to ourselves--awesommmmme. Then I hurried to shower, change, go get last-minute cat care items at PetSmart (including a carrier), and bring Scotty Star home! The SPCA was packed so I had to wait a bit, but she was ready and they took my carrier and brought her out to me and we tested her microchip and then I was off w/my new baby. I was feeling so protective and loving I even put the seatbelt on her carrier (which did in fact have a seatbelt notch)! She meowed and cried all the way home and I kept talking softly to her and gently "Shh-shh"-ing her and it made me cry too, chuckle!!! I just knew I loved her immediately and furthermore, the SPCA told me she was brought to the shelter on Sun. June 26--only 1 day after I myself was also abandoned. Awwww, how about that for fate???

True to my fashion I'd gotten a couple cat books at the library and had educated myself as much as possible so our adjustment period was pretty easy. We had a great 1st night together--I'd already decided she will sleep with me--except for when she woke me up at 5am to play for about an hour--but then we slept til about 9:30. Monday was a nice, easy morning and we woke up slowly but surely. I had to leave her twice, once to run down to Pasadena to see Ma, and then again that evening just for a bit to go to a party at a mansion that one of Tito J's friends had invited us to. It's a mansion I'd ridden my bike past w/You Know Who so I really wanted to see the inside. But truth is, I couldn't wait to get home to Scotty Star and was only at the party long enough for one drink and to tour the house.

Same with today, I couldn't wait to get home from work to come home to her since it was the 1st day I'd left her alone for an extended period of time. I left her with plenty of food and water and toys and left the radio on at a soft volume. When I'm home she follows me everywhere I go so bonding and love has happened immediately! I have cut my work hours short this week to help with the adjustment period as much as possible.

Today was rough b/c I went back to work after a great weekend. And I was supposed to be in Chicago w/You Know Who--so that was sad for me. But it helps having a lot to do, even if I don't feel like doing it every minute. I have tons of books to read and some DVR'ing to catch up on, and self-improvement to work on, and of course my Scotty Star to shower with adoration. And practicing, always practicing! I'll be going back to Club Remix tomorrow night w/Enor and her friend and hopefully Phillipo. Thurs. after work I'll attend another LSAA meeting. Fri night is my crazy friend Rolando's bday party, which I guess I'll go to. I still don't want to leave Scotty Star at home alone too much but at the same time I am fighting the feeling of brokenhearted loneliness, even if I realize more and more each day that I'm truthfully mostly fine w/You Know Who being gone. Key word being "mostly".