Today I was able to sleep in a little bit, then hung up some clothes and put away some laundry, then I hung my painting ("Big Pink") that I got for playing a gig last winter that's been just sitting in the corner of the living room, and I played w/Scotty Star a bit. Then I went to the pool, where I blissfully had it all to myself and I floated in the water on my lounging float, worked on my tan and read my library book (_Sex on the Moon_), allowing myself to take a damn break from all my SLAA/Recovery/12 Step reading for once. Took a shower and then hopped on my bike "Lightnin' Hop'ons" to take an adventurous bike ride to a local bike shop. That's b/c, although I was unable to go to dinner w/everyone last night after our monthly sheriff meeting (since they returned to the restaurant we always go to and it's in you-know-who's neighborhood and I'm still feeling unable to return there w/out feeling sad and anguished), God threw me another couple bones at the meeting by 1. Letting me WIN a $50 American Express gift card!!! and 2. Making the meeting over way sooner than usual!!! So I went to the bike shop to buy some much-needed supplies: a tire pump (on sale!), a lock, and a storage pouch. AWESOME.
Then I went home and had a homemade banana split for lunch--even had whipped cream and cherries in my fridge! And now I'm here at Job #2 for a bit. Will swing by the Borders on the way home since they're going seriously out of business and perhaps buy this codependency book I saw recently. Since it's true that I have made the realization that I am a total codependent (as all Love Addicts are) and yes, I am totally ready to work on that aspect of my dysfunctionality, including seeing a new therapist this coming Thursday so we can start whipping my ass into shape.
Meanwhile, I am just trying to avoid men as much as possible, except for my brother and other safe men, like Tito J. However, most men are not, in fact, safe, as the ones that are even my closest friends have ulterior motives and would corrupt me if they could and I simply cannot have that in my life anymore b/c it's just NOT HEALTHY. I had some frustration last week when I went to the blues jam on Thurs. night and Rozz showed up b/c I made the mistake of happening to mention I was going to be there. And I just wanted to be left alone and hang out w/Bon, and not be distracted by any freakin' men. Then Fri was even more annoying as I went to the Gourds/Doyle Bramhill concert and Phillipo showed up b/c I made the mistake of posting that event on my Facebook page. And I just wanted to be left alone w/Enor and Bon and not have Phillipo be following me around like he always does. Jesus!!!
Sat. night I did a bunch of stuff during the day and then had dinner w/one of my new SLAA girlfriends. I am somewhat jealous of her b/c she is on 100% Guy Restriction, meaning she has dropped ALL men from her life for the time being. I really, really wish I could do that. And I'm definitely trying to avoid all my guy friends for right now. Even SC the sweet keyboardist is getting on my nerves, sending me flirty texts/chats. So I took myself off chat on both email and Facebook so people (i.e., guys, b/c that's all that ever pops up wanting to chat w/me) will leave me the fuck alone.
Anyway so I'm still going through the roller coaster of emotional days that is inherent in my breakup sadness and my withdrawal from my addiction/codependency on stupid men. I am definitely avoiding my dad, who also keeps pestering me. Still, I can't help but notice that when I'm feeling total despair (like I was on Monday) God keeps throwing me bones to keep me afloat. I don't know what else to attribute these little gems of happiness that keep popping up. B/c another source of my depression is that my mom's health is rapidly deteriorating. She has really spit the bit and lately is doing things that could be construed as a danger to herself. My stepdad, my brother, and I are at a loss as to what to do. Today I finally suggested to my stepdad that my mom might have to be admitted as an inpatient somewhere. It's THAT bad.
In the meantime I just have to keep going to meetings, working on myself, seeing my therapist, and trying to get through the days and hours. Another bright spot: JFu came over on Sat and we rehearsed and we'll go do the open mic at the Mucky Duck next Monday.
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