Things Are Progressing

As I stated previously, I have been spending time journaling as part of my recovery process. I have a "12-Step" notebook. The 1st part is the Step work and the latter part is my journaling; so I've been a bit scarce here in the blogosphere. But things are progressing slowwwwwwwly but surely they are progressing. I got asked to lead the meeting this past Sat., my 5th anniversary of starting the program! I was very nervous but I knew I needed to give it a shot. My topic was "withdrawal" (since I'm very much in the throes of withdrawal) and the process of it, the gifts people have received from it, etc.

It was a miracle that I got asked b/c literally 20 min. after the phone call asking me to lead the meeting came it, I was sitting w/my SLAA text and my 12-step meditation book on my lap--neither of which I'd looked at in 3-4 days b/c I'd been busy reading my library books--and a text came through on my phone. It was from "Avoidant Asshole" and you can guess who that is. It stated, "He's gone..." and I knew from my past peeking at his FB page what it was referring to, and that is the death from cancer of his beloved cat who was fond of sleeping on me when we went to visit him.

God had stepped in. God had put the SLAA text on my lap when that text came in. I felt sad, sorrow for the loss of the cat, sadness for the Avoidant Asshole, and then I felt furious anger!!! Anger that the A.A. had the fucking NERVE, the GALL, to reach out to ME to garner sympathy like I'm his fucking FRIEND, or something?!?!?! I cried, cried, cried, but instead of responding to the text, I immediately called my sponsor. When she didn't answer I began calling other women in the program, and none answered. Finally one of them called me back and she got me through it. She said I am NOT a selfish bitch for not responding, and told me about Psalm 103. She said I don't owe him an explanation, EVER. It's our codependent addict that feels like we have to explain ourselves to people. She also said that if I were to respond to the text and make contact w/him it would be like sticking the heroin needle back in my arm since I'm in withdrawal from him and my love addiction. (And I had been doing so well at not peeking at his FB page anymore b/c every time I did I would be sad/teary the rest of the day, so I'd finally decided to STOP doing that to myself.)

I realized that him sending me that text truly shows what a selfish, heartless prick HE is, since when he broke up w/me he left me and MY loved ones, i.e., my extremely sick mother. He doesn't give a shit about me and my loved ones, why should I give a shit about him and his loved ones??? Another woman called me later and pointed out that he was selfish with me our entire relationship, so now it's MY turn to be selfish. My sponsor called me and said that he sent that text b/c he lives in his ego. Another woman told me that "One man's selfish is another man's self-care" and I was doing the right thing for myself by not responding. These women got me THROUGH it, boy.

The major thing I want to point out though, is that I truly, honestly did NOT want to respond to him. I am 100% committed to myself now, through this program, and I have suffered 6 weeks of withdrawal HELL. I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to go BACKWARDS now. I can only keep progressing. Or I'm going TO DIE. Seriously. I have no choice to but to save myself now. Which now that I've written that down, I have to say, it's a little comforting b/c when you have only 1 choice in life, you don't have to think about anything but doing that one thing.

I still cried for an hour or so, but then I went to my pre-planned "Cousin meeting" at the teahouse w/my brother and 2 cousins. We try to do this from time to time to catch up and maintain communication and familial bonding. It was a good time w/them, even if I did have to wear my sunglasses the whole time so they wouldn't see I'd been crying.

Today I read in my SLAA text this sentence: "We realized in order to maintain sobriety it was necessary to be a jerk." I hate to think of myself as a "selfish jerk", but I know what they mean. Especially since I've spent my whole life as a codependent, it's time to think only of me for once.

I had a good weekend, led the meeting on Sat., spend Sat. afternoon watching Tom and Jerry cartoons, then went to the pool, then to Star Pizza for dinner w/the girls, then to Target w/a couple of the girls. Sunday was a little tough b/c I returned to the Big Easy for the 1st time for a major event which was Big Walter's 97th bday party and I had to take a 1/2 valium beforehand in the desperate hope that would keep me calm enough to not break out into hives and faint. It was fine though, and I saw some nice people and had a yummy beer and got some nice hugs, and was there for less than an hour before having to leave for the Sunday afternoon SLAA meeting.