To Live is To Fly

...Low and High.

--Townes Van Zandt.

Damn, there been a lotta that lately. I'm gwine hafta do my bulleted recap of the past few days:

• Wednesday: Blues jam at the Big Easy. I got all prettied up, pretty dress, boots, etc. Stefano confronted Jon, asking about the nature of our relationship. Jon said he was sorry for the way things went down. When I got there Leo was sitting at a table w/Stefano and Stefano's harp player. I shook everyone's hand and retreated to friendlier areas. I met Jon's mom, 2 of his sisters, and other family friends and they were all awesome. I even danced w/his mom! Good times. Until Stefano got up and played "Further On Up The Road" and his song "Big Big Mouth." I got it. Boy, did I get it. I danced anyway. I got up next and played and had a lot of fun. Visited w/Jon's family/friends. Got nice and drunk and closed the jam down and left w/Jon.
• Thursday: Jeez, I'm straining to remember. Lessee, that was Thanksgiving. Went home from Jon's, baked the sausage balls, picked up my pater familias, we went to Aunt P's house. Had a lot of fun. Smaller crowd this year now that my dad is single. Me, my dad, and uncle got into my Crown Royal black... nice. Dropped off my dad, went up north to Jon's sister's house. Met Jon's other sister and her family and more friends/family members. Everyone was sweet and nice to me. We played Pictionary and my team won, hell yeah!!! I kicked some serious ass w/my cartoonist skills.
• Friday Day: I left Jon's and went home to shower/change and then meet up with Stefano as we had "unfinished business." I met Stefano at the church near his house and I just let him talk and get things off his chest. It was difficult and he hurt my feelings, saying I had no class, but I supposed he's mostly right. I just felt like the shittiest person on earth. The whole thing made me sad, but I finally got my gate clicker and house key back. Then I went back to Jon's and he and I hung out w/his cousins and cousin's girlfriend and went pawn shopping which I'd never done before and which was very enlightening and interesting! Jon was very sweet and had brought me a breakfast taco AND a cupcake b/c he knew I'd need cheering up. Awww.
• Friday Evening: We packed a bag and went to Baytown to see his family, go to one of his friend's bday party, and stay the night at his mom's. We had another T-giving dinner which his mom made and which was so yum. The friend's party started out great and we even played Rock Band (I sang) but I had way too much Black Crown Royale to drink and sometime towards the end of the night, threw up in the yard, thereby ending the party. Jon had to cart me home at which point I threw up in his mom's driveway.
• Saturday Day: In the morning Jon said that was never, ever going to happen again, kinda scaring me straight, to be honest. We went to breakfast w/his mom and sisters and I couldn't eat a single thing. But it was still nice to hang w/them all and his mom called me "Mija" which Jon says she's never called any of his girlfriends before! They all left to go shopping and Jon gave me the $5 tour of Baytown, where I'd never spent any time at which is a little strange considering it's not far from where I grew up.
• Saturday Evening/Night: Back at Jon's in Houston we lounged around and then I left to go get ready for my gig while Jon hung out w/his mom/sisters. Picked up my bro so he could accompany me to the gig. Stefano's band was there, of course; I was a little unnerved seeing Stefano. I still love him and feel terrible about what I've done. The gig was eh. I was subdued as I wasn't drinking a damn drop and also I'd barely eaten all day. Phillipo showed up and hung out w/me and li'l bro. Leo was drinking and George was playing sloppy. Whatever. I was just anxious to get out of there and get home to Jon.

Gonna hafta finish this later, tomorrow hopefully!

Thank God for the Blues

Hey, that's not a bad song title. Anyway, I'm just glad I play in a blues band. It would be difficult to play in, for example, a reggae band these days. I'm just trying not to be so down but it's hard when you have people in your life that you really care about and love and they are down on you for your recent life decisions; plus you know in your heart you have really caused some serious damage to someone that you really truly loved and hated hated HATED to have to hurt. I wrote a song about it, like to hear it? Here it goes!

Actually I did write a song about it yesterday, in about 10 minutes. It's called "Crying and Lying." It may have to be a country song, don't know yet b/c I only wrote the lyrics so far. (Then again most country can easily be adapted to the blues.) I also wrote a song about my grandfather. BTW I did write a loving, heartfelt song about Mr. Wonderful Stefano early this year called "Constant Reminder" and I do want to go ahead and work that up, meaning get the music for the lyrics. I gave the lyrics to Leo so he could do the music and he never did.

Last night I made tons of sausage balls; they now await their fate in the fridge. Job #1 is so blissfully slow and quiet today. Job #2 should also be. Then the fun begins tonight in earnest. I am a little freaked out about Stefano being at the jam. How should I act? Should I smile at him? Give him a wide berth? It will hurt my heart to even see him. He is posting on the FB how happy he is and I can't help but wonder if he's trying to show a happy face when he's dying on the inside. I know, I know, the ego on me, huh? I know one thing, I'm gwine be drinking it up hard core tonight. I went to Spec's on the way home last night to buy another bottle of Black Crown Royale and a jug of sangria to take to Jon's sister's tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Heavy Heart

Lord, how my heart is heavy. These past couple days have been rough. Jon has been helping me, of course. I've spent the past 2 nights at his place. Tonight though I have got to make my batches of T-giving day sausage balls. It was Jon's idea to make them tonight so all I have to do on Thurs. a.m. is throw them in the oven and bake them--so we can sleep late together, I assume, before heading off to our family events. Tomorrow I won't be home AT ALL: Job #1 followed by Job #2 followed immediately by a cool blues show at this club I've never been to followed immediately by the blues jam at Big Easy. Jon's family will be there (he's picking up his youngest sis from the airport today) as well as his cool friends we had dinner with last week.

Unfortunately, it appears Stefano will also be there, at least he indicated so on the Facebooks. If he is there I need to have Leo get my gate clicker/house key back from him, and Jon and I are still playing it extremely cool. Stefano changed his FB status to "Single" today and of course lots of comments from our mutual friends and fellow musicians ensued. When I saw he did that I did the same thing but then I removed the status change post from my wall--trying to keep it as low-key as possible. Stefano sent me a text yesterday saying we needed to talk and he wanted me to come to his house tonight to do so, but I don't like the sound of that. I am so sad thinking of him and how I've crushed him. I mean it really, really hurts. It's bad/sad enough I will have to see him this Sat. at our shared gig. My brother will be there with me for support. Yes--I feel like a total heel.

Anyway. I guess one day we'll all get over this. This week should in fact prove to be activity-filled and promises to be very fun. Weds. will be killer, even if the jam is a little awkward at times. Thurs. I'll bake them balls and go to my beloved Aunt P's house. That evening I'll go up to Jon's sister's house for evening dessert/game time and meeting the rest of the family. Friday I may spend some of the afternoon rehearsing w/Leo, and Friday night is either 1. Patrol if Mudflap can do it, or 2. Family time w/Jon, or 3. Big Easy for a show. Saturday Los Lonely Boys are playing an afternoon free instore at the record store--awesommmmme!--and then that night is my gig. Sunday will also be sooooo fun as there's a great benefit at the Big Easy that Jon is playing but TODAY I got an invitation for US to open the show! I said HELL YES and notified the boys. Cool!!!

Lord, help me just get through this week. Seriously, I have begun to pray again, but it was time for me to start up again regardless.

My Life is About to Change

Like... Big Time. I'll hafta do last weekend's recap continuation later.

Gig tonite w/Jon and Stefano. Tomorrow: rehearsal followed by live radio spot followed by evening gig. Sunday: to Pasadena to check on my mom followed by afternoon gig.

And tomorrow before rehearsal: A Huge Talk w/Stefano. It's killing me that I have to do this. He is the most wonderful man I've ever been with, the best boyfriend I ever could have dreamed up. And yet I still have to have the Talk with him. I'm going to be so sad. My heart is breaking over it. I don't want to have to do it, but I must. It's all about the future, which I've begun to contemplate again. And the likelihood that in all seriousness, perhaps Stefano and I do not actually have good odds for a future together.

It boils down to the one issue that's always been in the back of my mind anyway, and which he does know about, and that is my desire to have a family one day, most likely by adoption, and he has always been adament that he does not want children.

Of course, my friendship/relationship with Jon over the past month has indeed complicated things. And the death of my beloved Popo brought it all to a head anyway. Pondering the future seems to be part of the grieving process, or at least mine.

Tuesday night Jon invited me to dinner with him and his friends, and we had so much fun. It was 2 other couples and 1 baby. Afterwards Jon and I repaired to his place nearby and then Jon totally blew my mind. He said that he wants me, that he wants to have a relationship with me, that he thinks about me all the time, that he's developed real feelings for me, that this is all a surprise to him but he always has fun with me and he truly likes me a lot and cares for me deeply.

When he told me he wanted a relationship with me I said "You DO?!?!" truly surprised, myself. He said he wants me all to myself but that he doesn't want me to do anything for him, that whatever I do (i.e., w/Stefano) I need to do it b/c I want to do it. I said I had no words, and that I didn't know what to do. But I did tell him that I have the same strong feelings for him too and that I was going to have to think about how to proceed. I did mention the issue I have w/Stefano, about the adoption/family thing, and to my intense surprise, Jon took my chin in his hand, lifted my eyes to his, and said "Adela, I would love to have a baby with you." And I tell you what... ain't nobody EVER said that to me before.

We went to a movie premiere together at the museum on Weds. night, followed by the blues jam, which Stefano also attended. Last night I went to Jon's to spend the night and talk about my decision and my and Jon's future together. He kept looking into my eyes and saying how he's finally found me and I make him so happy and he feels safe with me and we have no walls up with each other and how happy we'd be together. I said that I decided that I wanted to give us a shot. And that I would be having the talk with Stefano this weekend.

As I stated before, I'm absolutely miserable that it's come to this. I didn't expect things w/Jon to force the issue, although I have thought about it a couple of times over this past year. My only consolation is that I do believe Jon and what he's saying to me. And I do think he deserves to have his shot with me. But he's got a lot to live up to. He's got big shoes to fill, the biggest.

Here we go.

WOW. What a Weekend. Pt. 1

Good lord in heaven, where do I start? Lessee, I left Job #2 on Fri. evening and went to Jon's house to hang out for awhile. Got home late, spent the night w/Stefano at his house. Sat. a.m. we woke up DAMN early in order to go pick up li'l bro and get to breakfast, and hells BELLS was it worth it! I had the chicken and waffles. O. M. G. I didn't think I'd like it that much but godDAMN they got a good scald on that bird! Not greasy at all, full of delicious chicken flavor... I haven't eaten that much in weeks. Hot chocolate topped it all off.

We got to the Sam "Lightnin'" Hopkins thing and it was so incredibly wonderful and so damn cool. Almost everyone was there, meaning most of the Houston blues scene and most of us musicians. My pater familias was running around already drunk and interviewing and filming everything. The media was there. We'd brought a bottle of Seagram's 7 that didn't last nearly long enough, what with everyone taking pulls on it from time to time. Naturally Leo and George were there, even one of my librarian friends. Music writers, academics, degenerates--you name it! All our pals! I saw that the local councilman hadn't shown up so I promptly sat in his front row reserved seat--I knew he probably wouldn't come! Actually he did show up late, but took a seat on the stage/dais, so his seat in the front row would've gone to waste anyway, and I am, after all, Bella The Adela and SHOULD'VE been in the front row! Chuckle!

After they unveiled the marker (story here by my little music writer pal) much photo commencing began and then the music started. Jon's band was the opener. I was so proud of him! God he rocks my world. So we were there for several hours, taking pic's, visiting, networking, having a killer awesome time. Then Leo got it in his head that we would go visit Lightnin's actual grave, and Jon was even up for that, so when things finally wound down we all headed over to the cemetery, which was actually quite nearby. After awhile walking around looking for the damn thing (the cemetery guys finally showed us--hee hee) (we'd had a map drawn by the Lightnin' marker organizer guy but we didn't interpret it correctly) we took pic's and I had the idea for the 5 musicians (me, Stefano, Leo, George, and Jon) to place our cowboy boots (Converse sneakers in George's case) around the grave marker for a cool photo.

After that we bid adieu to Jon and went to Spec's for the UNT One O'Clock Lab Band concert. How freakin' cool is that! Besides I needed to stock up on Crown Royale, and I got the new Black label (90 Proof, yo!). While there Little Drummer Boy called me up to see what I was up to and he said they were going to eat at all our favorite Taqueria so me, Stefano, Li'l Bro, and Leo headed over there and commenced drinking muchas margaritas w/LDB and a bass player pal. Apparently I drank a lot of 'em. And got a little rowdy. Jon came and joined us later and the merriment continued. The waiter at one point wasn't sure he should serve me another, but he did, yay! Finally we bid adieu to Jon again and the whole dinner group headed over to see the documentary film, Thunder Soul.

Will be finishing this post later, to be continued...

Weary

I'm just weary. I lost my beloved grandfather Popo this week. He died at around 11:37pm on Sunday night. Fortunately I managed to get it together enough to be there. I also took my brother and pater familias with me. It was an incredible thing, for him to take his last breaths with all of us--my mom, 2 aunts, 4 out of 5 cousins--there, holding his hand, hugging him, kissing him.

So it's been a numbing, sorrowful week for all of us. We had the wake on Tues. night. The funeral was Weds. I finally went out on Weds. night to rehearsal and then the boys joined me at Big Easy for drinks and toasting to Popo. We had SO much fun, and Phillipo met us there and brought me flowers--so fucking sweet. I stayed the night w/Jon. I have taken all week off from Job #1. I've just been too overwhelmed b/c I have had to take care of Ma and do some logistical things for her, now that she's alone at Popo's house. I also spent the night with her there on Mon. and Tues. nights.

I'm having a hard time caring about much these days. People ask me questions: what do you want to eat? Are you going back to work? Do you want to do ___? And I just DON'T. CARE. Last night was absolutely awful. My aunt ambushed my mom at Popo's house to begin taking things out of the house before we could even finish mourning or being in shock or how about DISCUSSING things like rational adults. I had to race down to Pasadena and meet my cousins there and they were all just shell shocked b/c no one could talk any sense into my insane batshit crazy aunt. And I just didn't care. I refuse to fight w/anyone. I don't care about STUFF. My aunt was forcing my uncle and cousin to dismantle furniture and haul it outside to put into their trucks and SUV's. Then my uncle began having chest pains and they had to take him to the hospital. Consequently we had to skip starting the rosary last night as planned and now my uncle is in the hospital and will have open heart surgery on Monday. Good job, Aunt T. Popo must be looking down at this and feel real proud. Real fuckin' nice!!!

Mr. Wonderful Stefano came over last night when I got back and spent the night with me. He's so amazing and wonderful. And Jon has also been such a great friend through all of this, and I get to spend time w/him when Stefano isn't available.

Killer amazing jam packed weekend coming up. Stefano and my li'l bro will begin tomorrow w/breakfast at the Breakfast Klub. Then we'll go to the Lightnin' Hopkins memorial dedication, which will be amazing. Jon's band is playing. Tomorrow evening we've got a documentary screening at the park which will also be awesome! Tomorrow night we end at Anderson Fair for Kelly Jo Phelps, who I've never seen!!! Sunday I'll go to the gun show w/L. as she is in the market for some home protection. Then all day we'll be at Blues for Food. Jon's band is playing. So I got plenty to take my mind of things this weekend.

Back to work and reality next Monday. Hope to finally start caring about things again, maybe.

Shine A Light

Show me the way
Take me through the night
To the break of day

That Band song's been going through my head lately. The rough week continues. Monday night I managed to get a good night's rest thanks to popping a Valium on an almost-empty stomach. It was kinda fun b/c it took effect in less than 10 min. and I had to hurry up and finish getting ready for bed before I got too wobbly. I went to Pasadena on Tuesday morning to see my grandfather Popo. He is progressively worse, however the things he's doing are right out of the Hospice handbook. He's got the classic signs which is actually a little comforting in that they're so universal. My mom wanted to get out of the house so we went to breakfast and I had 1 breakfast taco. I'm still losing weight. I went to work shortly after that, saying to my Popo that I would see him later, which is always the last thing I say to him.

Tuesday night I was ready for a drink, but when I got home from work I passed out on my couch for a bit after drinking 1 glass of wine and also b/c my eyes were tired from crying. But I got it together enough to shower/change and go meet Phillipo at Brasil where we drank wine and saw this groovy fiddle player chick and her band, several musicians whom we also knew. It was a very nice scene to just sit there, sip wine, and watch the band play and they did lots of Grappelli-Django type stuff. We shared a slice of carrot cake and a hot chocolate (the weather turned cold on Tues.) then we ran down the street to Avant for the open mic, which Phillipo has been getting into lately. We got more drinks, hung around outside a little, shared my pipe. Saw a couple of musicians we knew. But I ended up leaving soon after midnight in order to go meet Jon at his place, as he was getting done w/his gig for the night.

Weds. I slept in a little bit though I barely managed to sleep at all since Jon snores like a BIG MF'er and did so in my ear all night long. I went down to Pasadena again to check on everyone. Tues. night my uncle had come over and played guitar for my Popo and sang some church hymns. I was trying to remain strong but when Popo saw me he took my hand and kissed it, which I couldn't believe, and I promptly lost it. My mom asked me to sing to Popo too and of course I drew a blank on any good songs that I knew, and could only think to sing "This Little Light of Mine" and "Amazing Grace" but it was hard to get through the songs b/c I kept crying. Then my mom wanted to get out of the house again so we went to the mall to walk. I hadn't eaten anything all day so I had most of a spinach/cheese calzone. After dropping her off and telling Popo I'd see him later I went to work.

I cut Job #2 off short last night so I could rush home, change clothes, dig out my 5-string fiddle "Felix" from the closet and tune him up and go back to Pasadena. I was sooo rusty, man, but my aunt was there and she made a few requests and I just played everything and anything I could think of, from Bach, to Schubert, to "Rancho Grande" (we thought he'd recognize it), to "Faded Love", "Uncloudy Day", even "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." My other aunt and cousin came by later and we were all there hanging out w/Popo until 10pm. A nighttime hospice nurse came by and said Popo's vital signs were good but that he could not rule out a transient ischaemic stroke (which my other cousin had theorized he'd suffered at some point that day, or maybe the day before). While I was there Jon was texting me, checking on me, and he offered to come by after his gig hosting the jam at the Big Easy was over and I agreed to that, since I was missing him and also thinking that I didn't want to sleep alone. I had planned to pop another Valium in order to get some rest but Jon advised against it, and when he got to my place after 2am I didn't need it anyway since it was comforting enough having him there.

I came in a little late to work today but my mom reports that Popo is still the same. Tonight I'll be able to get some music therapy in, as Allen Toussaint will be playing and I am so excited about that I can't even say; Stefano is taking me of course. He already brought some brandy for us to sip since a 40-degree cold front is coming for the next couple of nights, dammit. Thank God in heaven that tomorrow is my monthly work from home day. I'll be able to run down to Pasadena again at some point. I'm just not worth much these days, totally distracted, not eating much... Just wishing my Popo would hurry up and get better. I'm glad I can be there for my mom, mostly though.

Just A Few Seconds, Your Name and Your Time

...And I guarantee that you will be mine!!!"

R. Kelly is also a bad influence on me these days, along with Prince and Curtis Mayfield.

Man, I totally blew Sunday. Lost. Gone! Well, Mr. Wonderful and I did go for a run 1st thing in the morning. Then I went home, showered, changed, and picked up li'l bro so we could go down to Pasadena again. My cousins were going to be there and Popo has held on so we wanted to go see everyone. It was a nice visit and my aunts were even civil to me, for once. I was civil right back. Ma had told me to be stoic and not cry (like I did last Weds.) and I did until right before we left. I said to Popo, "I'll see you later," and cried as I left. He was even worse then than he was before. Now he wasn't even really seeing us, or able to focus, or something, and he was talking about the farm from when he was a boy. He was also seeing people from the past: my grandma, his sisters/brothers, etc. Sigh.

I dropped off li'l bro and I had made plans to get together w/BFFF Jon but we didn't know what time, so I called him while I was driving home and he said he would come over then, in the afternoon, so that's what he did. He'd never seen The Last Waltz all the way through so I insisted we watch it; actually my copy was at his place where I'd took it last week, thinking we'd have a chance to watch it there. He brought it over and we watched the whole thing. Jon is actually so close to Bob Margolin (Muddy Waters' guitarist) that he stays at his house when he goes to Mississippi for the Blues Music Awards! ("Aaagghhh!" I screamed internally with jealousy!!!) Jon also threw out that he's opened for Taj Mahal "too many times to count"!!! Acccckkkkk!!! See why I wanna make Jon my new BFFF? Hence, the R. Kelly song title of this post. Which I am well on my way to doing.

Anyway, so the rest of the weekend... Friday night when I got home from Job #2 I passed out on my couch from exhaustion from 8:30p-10p. I woke up long enough to shower, change, and get to Stefano's house. Sat. we went to see the 1pm showing of the French Pastry documentary which was really wonderful--when the one chef drops his sugar sculpture I actually teared up! After the movie we had to hit the Chocolate Bar since I was going through DT's and needed a fix. The rest of the evening/night we hung around Stefano's house wearing very little clothing and ordered in for dinner and drank a good amount of wine. Damn, it's fun being a grownup!

So this week... I actually have a couple nights off which now feels WEIRD since I've been going going going for weeks now!!! I feel like I have to fucking force myself to stay at home tonight and behave which will not be that hard since Jon/Stefano/every other man it seems will be watching the football game and/or baseball game tonight. (Eye roll.) However tomorrow night I have allowed Phillipo to talk me into going out, and after that I have tentative plans to meet Jon after his gig and hang out. Weds. is off as I have convinced Leo to give me a week off. Thursday is the legendary Allen Toussaint in a free concert at the park!!! Aaaaaaahhhhh!!!

Weight Loss Note: I have been dropping pounds. Around 3 to be exact, in the past week and a half. I just don't have much interest in eating b/c I'm too busy going out, drinking, and carousing w/Phillipo, Jon, etc. It's kinda cool, seeing as how the holidays are upon us and the average person gains 6 lbs. over the holiday season. I'm getting a big head start should I get my appetite back someday. When/if my Popo goes that's gonna be another big hit to my system. I can't believe I didn't do a goddamn thing yesterday for Halloween, which is typically my favorite day of the year; I was just too damn busy w/Everything Else In The World to even think about H'ween. Here's what I really need to do tonight: work on my songwriting. Got a great title for a new song too, "Hellhound Riding Shotgun." Heh.