Shine A Light

Show me the way
Take me through the night
To the break of day

That Band song's been going through my head lately. The rough week continues. Monday night I managed to get a good night's rest thanks to popping a Valium on an almost-empty stomach. It was kinda fun b/c it took effect in less than 10 min. and I had to hurry up and finish getting ready for bed before I got too wobbly. I went to Pasadena on Tuesday morning to see my grandfather Popo. He is progressively worse, however the things he's doing are right out of the Hospice handbook. He's got the classic signs which is actually a little comforting in that they're so universal. My mom wanted to get out of the house so we went to breakfast and I had 1 breakfast taco. I'm still losing weight. I went to work shortly after that, saying to my Popo that I would see him later, which is always the last thing I say to him.

Tuesday night I was ready for a drink, but when I got home from work I passed out on my couch for a bit after drinking 1 glass of wine and also b/c my eyes were tired from crying. But I got it together enough to shower/change and go meet Phillipo at Brasil where we drank wine and saw this groovy fiddle player chick and her band, several musicians whom we also knew. It was a very nice scene to just sit there, sip wine, and watch the band play and they did lots of Grappelli-Django type stuff. We shared a slice of carrot cake and a hot chocolate (the weather turned cold on Tues.) then we ran down the street to Avant for the open mic, which Phillipo has been getting into lately. We got more drinks, hung around outside a little, shared my pipe. Saw a couple of musicians we knew. But I ended up leaving soon after midnight in order to go meet Jon at his place, as he was getting done w/his gig for the night.

Weds. I slept in a little bit though I barely managed to sleep at all since Jon snores like a BIG MF'er and did so in my ear all night long. I went down to Pasadena again to check on everyone. Tues. night my uncle had come over and played guitar for my Popo and sang some church hymns. I was trying to remain strong but when Popo saw me he took my hand and kissed it, which I couldn't believe, and I promptly lost it. My mom asked me to sing to Popo too and of course I drew a blank on any good songs that I knew, and could only think to sing "This Little Light of Mine" and "Amazing Grace" but it was hard to get through the songs b/c I kept crying. Then my mom wanted to get out of the house again so we went to the mall to walk. I hadn't eaten anything all day so I had most of a spinach/cheese calzone. After dropping her off and telling Popo I'd see him later I went to work.

I cut Job #2 off short last night so I could rush home, change clothes, dig out my 5-string fiddle "Felix" from the closet and tune him up and go back to Pasadena. I was sooo rusty, man, but my aunt was there and she made a few requests and I just played everything and anything I could think of, from Bach, to Schubert, to "Rancho Grande" (we thought he'd recognize it), to "Faded Love", "Uncloudy Day", even "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." My other aunt and cousin came by later and we were all there hanging out w/Popo until 10pm. A nighttime hospice nurse came by and said Popo's vital signs were good but that he could not rule out a transient ischaemic stroke (which my other cousin had theorized he'd suffered at some point that day, or maybe the day before). While I was there Jon was texting me, checking on me, and he offered to come by after his gig hosting the jam at the Big Easy was over and I agreed to that, since I was missing him and also thinking that I didn't want to sleep alone. I had planned to pop another Valium in order to get some rest but Jon advised against it, and when he got to my place after 2am I didn't need it anyway since it was comforting enough having him there.

I came in a little late to work today but my mom reports that Popo is still the same. Tonight I'll be able to get some music therapy in, as Allen Toussaint will be playing and I am so excited about that I can't even say; Stefano is taking me of course. He already brought some brandy for us to sip since a 40-degree cold front is coming for the next couple of nights, dammit. Thank God in heaven that tomorrow is my monthly work from home day. I'll be able to run down to Pasadena again at some point. I'm just not worth much these days, totally distracted, not eating much... Just wishing my Popo would hurry up and get better. I'm glad I can be there for my mom, mostly though.