On The Road Again

Tomorrow will be the historic coming together of me and my mates--Jillus and Bean--whom I have not seen in years! The place: NOLA! The occasion: 2009! Our status: hopefully inebriated and full of po'boys! I am hoping to leave town immediately when S is done with his psych exam. I think I've made NOLA from Houston in 5 1/2 hours in the past, so hopefully will do so again. I'm on a mission from God.

Bean will be in a newly rented vehicle since his car was apparently almost totalled last night in a confrontation with those notorious Georgia deer. After all, the late great "Lady of 6,000 songs" Emma Kelly killed a good dozen of them deer while traveling back and forth to all her piano playing gigs between Savannah and you-name-it. See, this is yet ANOTHER reason why I hate to drive fast!

Happy 2009 to everyone reading! Good friends, good music, good health, and good shoes are my wishes for the new year!

And We're Back!

Back at work today from the holidays and then another long lazy weekend is ahead. Now that's what I call livin'. It is so joyous to sleep in, wake up just in time to shower and watch a whole hour of Will and Grace, then decide what to eat or where to go. We had a nice holiday yesterday (though S and I began the day with a big disagreement which was later resolved after he left and went to get him a Starbucks and cool off--I was just proud of myself that I was able to handle our conflict without any yelling or anger and with more patience than I've ever had before. Still, we do need to resolve this final big issue between us [his mother] and it says a lot about my new attitude that I am willing to do my part, meaning ACCEPT her apology when and if it comes! I'm sure therapy will continue to assist us in this though we still have not scheduled our next appointment.)

Anyway, I made 2 batches of sausage balls yesterday morning and in the early afternoon we headed to my aunt's house. My dad was already there with his girlfriend whom we all love and we settled in for a long day of eating and sitting around. But my dad continues to irk me in some ways, i.e., he kept talking about his possible "new" family out in California and how he might have grandchildren "now" (as if my daughter doesn't really count) and while I truly appreciated my Xmas gifts from him (2 burnt CD's of classic Laszlo music and since we have the same taste in music it is all right up my alley [Texas blues, Doug Sahm, Willie Nelson, certain Mexican corridos, etc. etc.], a classic blues artwork from the 1920's calendar, and a burnt DVD of his legendary Freddy Fender documentary, "El BeBop Kid") I couldn't help but notice he wrote my maiden name on the wrapping paper. What kind of bullshit is that? Ahhh, who cares. What would the holidays be without family angst and bad feelings anyway?

Patrol on Xmas eve ended eventfully as I had to rush a fellow deputy to the hospital after he got attached by a rottweiler and bit in the face (ouch). I drove 110 mph and I knew S and Mudflap would be proud of me. I guess it was on the news though we left before the cameras got there. Then on Xmas I got a couple of phone calls from up high to get the story. I wasn't even there at the time when it happened, I was literally just the one that got asked to take him to the hospital, poor kid. Most likely b/c I was the only one without my own patrol car! But I was glad to do it and I squeezed his hand while he got numerous extremely painful shots in the face (again I say, ouch)!

Tomorrow I will take the baby to the butterfly center and we will be meeting an old friend of mine from UNT who has recently relocated to Houston and who I found via Facebook! Good times. Then on Sunday, sadly we must take her back and drop her off at noon but I want to take S out to the movies after that. Next week: New Year's in New Orleans!!!

Bring Yo Daughter to Work Day

Today the baby is here at work with me, and will be again on Friday (though on Friday we ain't coming in until noon!). I am trying to be cool and laid back, although I got ticked off last night when she was still awake at like 11:30 pm. However I noticed this morning that when I was picking out some CD's to listen to from my collection, CD's that I have not listened to in a real long time, I felt a calm and peace and happiness wash over me. The power of music therapy strikes again! Anyway, I am resorting to asking S for suggestions on how to gain patience with her when she does things that are totally aggravating such as:

1. Constantly ask questions when we are trying to watch a tv show/movie. I am serious, this is getting out of hand.
   
2. Constantly ask where S is when she knows where he is.
   
3. Make comments like, "I don't want to [fill in the blank]."
   
4. Take FOREVER to get out of the damn house, car, etc.
   

Really, I have ways of handling the above, I just need help with being patient with her b/c she's only 6 but since I am working on my patience generally these days, this is an additional test on top of everything else. Here's how I handle these issues:

1. Just ignore her. She can ask all she wants and I just keep watching the show and looking straight ahead. I don't know if there's a better way to handle this and I wish some parents would give me some advice. I may have to post to a parenting board somewhere. Yes, I can tell her to be quiet but I don't want to hurt her feelings or squash her curiosity; I was hoping by ignoring her she'd get the hint. I don't know though.
   
2. I tell her, "Stop asking me that. You know where he is. Don't ask a question if you know the answer to it."
   
3. The other day she said she didn't want to go to the polka concert/dance. I told her, "Too bad. When you grow up and you have a job and money and a car you can do what you want. But who has the money and car right now? That's right, me!" Also sometimes when she says she doesn't want to do something we tell her to do I say, "That's ok, you don't have to do what we say. But then me and Daddy don't have to take you to the movies, or take you to Chik Fil A, or buy you toys, or let you have any fun!" (Then we had tons of fun at the concert anyway! It makes me think she just says this crap to test me sometimes!)
   
4. This especially grates on me in the mornings like today when I was trying to get to work. She dawdles so much and it's just so aggravating! This is when I try my hardest not to yell. Today I finally got her downstairs and teeth brushed and we were out the door and she asked could she bring a puzzle with us and I said yes, but to hurry. When she took too long I finally said we had to go NOW and to forget the puzzle b/c she was taking too long. So hopefully she understood the consequences of her (slow) actions.

I have an appt. with my counselor tonight and I will totally be discussing with her my need to learn greater patience. I know it'll just take practice though. I know about the counting to 10 thing but I feel like if I'm constantly counting to 10 people are gonna wonder what's wrong with me and why I'm not talking and they'll think there's something wrong with me mentally. I feel like I am doing better with S. I was discussing with my aunt yesterday that men are always gonna screw up and we just have to learn to constantly forgive them if we want to have good marriages. Before, I felt like S needed to just stop screwing up and that he wasn't worthy of my forgiveness b/c he kept screwing up so much; now my attitude is that I better forgive him or else my marriage is doomed. "For better or for worse", right?

Tomorrow: Sleeping IN! and relaxing until I go on patrol. I'll be dropping off the baby at S's work and probably head out to district around 5 or so. Xmas day at my aunt's house and sausage balls and even my dad will be there with his women. Ah, family!

It's Happy Cookie Time

There are so many sweets and treats here at work I just don't even know where to start when I come in every day. And it's only Monday! Besides a variety of holiday cookies we've got chocolate from France, candy canes, hot chocolate packets, and other miscellanea. Good thing I got me them new running shoes. Too bad I have not had a chance to break them in yet, ha! All in good time.

Really good weekend with the fam. Since I got my Xmas present (it's so sparkly!!! I love it!!! I can't stop playing with it, making it sparkle under different kinds of lighting!!!) S got his: a flat-screen tv. Now we just have to get a tv stand or something for it to sit on. Currently it's sitting on top of our dead projection tv but obviously we want to get rid of that thing somehow. Plus I want something more stable for the new tv to be sitting on.

Yesterday the baby and I met Ma and Fred at the Continental Club for Mark Halata's polka concert. Me and the baby danced a little! The sound guy bought her a Shirley Temple and I am keeping good to my word to not be so uptight about stuff like that! (Her eating/drinking too much sugar.) I even bought her another one after she finished that one b/c after all, the holidays are definitely for eating junk! Then we all had a great family dinner afterwards with li'l bro and S also met us after he got off work.

Now I'm just enjoying the last few minutes at Job #1 where I am totally alone with all these yummy treats (speaking of eating junk). Next stop: Job #2 followed by watching wrestling at the Mezz with S and the baby, who went to work with him today. She'll come to work with me tomorrow and Friday but we're coming in late both days. After all, we need our beauty sleep!

Today I'm Feeling Pretty Good!

Or as Larry David would say, "Pretty, pretty, pretty good!"

S and I had a nice dinner last night at our favorite "the Wok." We talked about strategies for getting along better--actually, I should point out that I told him the strategies I was willing to undertake for him and for our marriage and I asked nothing from him in return. We talked about the future, we talked about our commitment to make our marriage a success, and we ended the dinner with a kiss--the first kiss in a week and a half. I know he completely appreciates the efforts that I am making and I also know that he too will reciprocate b/c he is just that kind of person and that is one reason I married him. And we finally slept in the same bed again, which we had both really missed doing and it was all very good and happy times!

It helped that I saw a counselor on my own yesterday for the first time and she also gave me some helpful strategies for marriage success. Mudflap and I had talked a long time about this on Wed. night and the big lesson I came away with was yes, that I am totally willing to try all kinds of new things b/c obviously what I've been doing is not working. After all, one definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things and expecting different results.

I have decided to make big changes in my life and my attitudes. I am going to stop being such a control freak and trying to get my way in everything. I am going to stop being so impatient to keep getting to the next goal, to climb the next mountain as fast as I can, to fix this problem, fix that problem now! I am going to try relaxing and letting go and not caring about bullshit that won't matter 5 years from now anyway. My new motto is, "So what?" As in, so what if the baby eats too much sugar one day, so what if S gets home from work late, so what if the credit card debt gets paid off in 2 years instead of a year and a half--SO WHAT? These are huge changes in my thinking but I'm totally ready to embrace them b/c fortunately, I have always been one to embrace change anyway. I already feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me and that everything is still going to be just fine. I feel a lot freer today. I'm not even scared at all.

What's fun is today I'm being bad and wearing my Xmas present b/c I just couldn't wait until next week! And S and I have decided to get a new tv to replace our big secondhand projection tv that died a few weeks ago, so that'll be fun. Finally, today S said he needed to take a mental health day off from work since he's worked almost 2 weeks every day in a row and I am totally fine with him doing that. I am not going to obsess over making as much money as is humanly possible anymore. We make enough money to cover food, shelter, clothing, our vehicles, and to have a little fun and that is all anyone needs anyway! I'm even going to miss an evening at Job #2 next week so I can see my counselor again and so what? It's totally fine!

One of my favorite songs of my entire life since I was 14 years old has been Curtis Mayfield's "It's All Right" and I feel so ashamed that I have completely forgotten to live by its words.

Say it's all right (it's all right)
Say it's all right (it's all right)
It's all right, have a good time
'Cause it's all right, whoa, it's all right

Now listen to the beat
Kinda pat your feet
You got soul, and everybody knows
That it's all right, whoa, it's all right

When you wake up early in the morning
Feelin' sad like so many of us do
Hum a little soul
Make life your goal
And surely something's got to come to you
And say it's all right (it's all right)
Say it's all right (it's all right)

It's all right, have a good time
'Cause it's all right, whoa, it's all right
Now everybody clap your hands
Give yourself a chance
You got soul, and everybody knows
That it's all right, whoa, it's all right

How Many Blues Songs...

...have been written about having the blues because you can never be satisfied?

S Is Driving Me Crazy

And no, not in that good way. Now he says he wants a different marriage counselor b/c he doesn't think the one we have is helping us as much as he'd like. I said fine, you talk to him and get a reference for someone else who takes my insurance. However, S has conceded that he'd be willing to talk to a woman marriage counselor, so that's good! I don't care!

Trying to Entertain Myself While Waiting for Things to Get Hopping Here at the Convention Center

I'm about ready to go get a smoothie and then lunch across the street at Discovery Green Park. In the meantime, here's yet another fun quiz to take: And BTW I'm a Self-Knowing Lifelong Learning Reinventer. No big surprise there.

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a Self-Knowing Lifelong Learning Reinventer

Speaking of surprises, I had a really nice time at Job #2's holiday party on Friday night--you know, the one that I was desperately trying to find someone to go with me to. I ended up going "stag" and it was totally ok. The food was awesome, I talked someone else into having a Hurricane with me, the White Elephant gift exchange was amusing, and all in all it was a good time!

Last night I got myself new running shoes and then S and I went to eat at Outback Steakhouse since we needed a date night. He had the salmon, I had the seafood pasta. So much for steak! And we gorged on the Bloomin' Onion.

People Suck

No, just people I know suck! No, just my friends suck! No, maybe just the holidays suck.

I have Job #2's holiday party tonight at an awesome restaurant, The Ragin' Cajun. I love that place. I didn't go to the holiday party last year since it conflicted with the High-spanic health coalition one so this year I was happy to rsvp for it for me and S. Well, our friend Hurricane Ike continues to screw us over. The annual biker rally that takes place in Galveston had to be posponed to this weekend. S and his coworkers are down there working it all weekend. S told me today around lunchtime that he will be trapped on the island until the rally ends at 8pm. So rather than go to the holiday party stag I began calling everyone I know and nobody can come with me!!! One friend has to babysit, one friend hurt her hand the other night when it snowed (!), one friend is newly pregnant and "tired", one friend has her own holiday party tonight, one friend has a date, and even li'l bro will be busy bowling!!! And the rest of my male friends are now married or hooked up (or moved away!!!) and I can't order them around like I used to. Like Tito J. complains, everyone has turned into the damn Huxtables.

This sucks. My only consolation is the the Ragin Cajun has incredible hurricanes. Cash bar, here I come. Did I mention the holidays do nothing for me???

Sore Throat Time

I was fearing something like this might happen when I began to feel a little "weird" yesterday afternoon and at 2am I awoke with a mean sore throat. I then proceeded to stay awake until around 6am. I had to call into work and am now drinking Orange Pineapple juice and I think my throat is finally starting to feel better. Fortunately that seems to be the only problem I have so I'm looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow as we are having our holiday lunch and I also need to get ready for a long weekend at the Latino Book and Family Festival. I am working it both days by myself!

Last night I took S to the High-spanic Health Coalition holiday party. I won a $25 gift card to Academy, yay! Also I took lots of pics for the new blog (I wanted to learn Wordpress since all my other blogs are in Blogger) and Facebook pages, which I started up for us. My dad was in the vicinity and popped in for a brief hello. We have spoken twice since his 5-page missive and he has not mentioned it, so neither will I.

S was not bothered by my nighttime sore throat awakedness b/c we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since Sunday. Our marriage has hit yet another rough patch this week and so we will be seeing our counselor tonight and then he will see him alone tomorrow night.

If I were smart today I would try to avoid trashy tv and do productive things, such as wrap up my reading some of these library books and download the digital pic's from last night. Feels really good to do nothing, though.

Lord...What Next?

I have to remember that the good Lord throws things at me just like he throws things at EVERYONE ELSE in the world, too. Still--it does seem there are people on this earth whose biggest problems are what color shirt to wear in the morning, or whether to order the chocolate or the vanilla shake. I am choosing to be grateful when the Lord picks on me. It's obvious he is confident I can handle anything. But just when things are almost settling down (custody battle technically over, S working, the close of hurricane season, etc.), KAPLOW! here comes another li'l hand grenade. That's life!

I got an email today from Laszlo, my notorious paterfamilias. It consisted of a 5-page attachment and was also copied to my mother and brother. It was a pouring out of his heart, which leads me to wonder if he indeed has one after all. Not that I'm surprised by anything in it, because frankly, he can do absolutely nothing that surprises me anymore, but it's just more, as we say in Spanish, pedo. He has reconnected with some people in his life from years ago and it's possible that one of them might actually technically be my step-brother. Possible DNA tests and an appearance on the "Maury Povich" show loom on the horizon. I vaguely recall some of his other-women-and-children drama from my childhood but have wisely chosen to put no percentage into any of it. Well, now Laszlo is approaching his 60th year and has decided to apologize (again) to me, my mother and brother for his shortcomings as a father and a husband. He's decided to unburden himself onto us and is attempting to entwine us with his latest attempt at self-discovery or whatever this is.

It was a funny letter; my dad has a great way with words and a great--even brilliant--mind and a wonderfully rich sense of humor. But I was tempted to write my own 5-page letter back to him. While we are unburdening our souls maybe I deserve to have a turn of my own. I particularly would like to thank him for teaching me, at a very young age, how to recognize narcissists and sociopaths. I'd like to thank him for making me want to always "Just Say No!" to drugs more than Nancy Reagan, 100 After School Specials, and all of Charles Bukowski's works put together, just by watching him and the way he lives his life. I'd like to ask him to prove all this latest bullshit that is coming out of his mouth by taking the time to get to know me, I mean really getting to know me, S and the baby.

But there would be no point. I wrote him a heartfelt letter when I was around 10 years old, begging him to stop drinking and doing drugs and it didn't affect him at all. I have been burned too many times by this man. I mean, what does it say (about him) that in his letter he writes, "I love you all with all of my heart, soul and being…Your Father" and I, his daughter, feel absolutely no emotion, reading that. Because I don't believe it!

And sometimes I think about what I will feel when he is gone for good (though, people like him who have no real responsibilities tend to live long lives!). And mostly I just think, "What a waste", meaning, what a waste that I didn't get to know him better. But that wouldn't be my fault. He's got the disease of drug addiction and alcoholism and not much else matters to him. But my attitude about this is, "Oh well!" Because that's what my attitude has to be.

Friend-ly Weekend?

I got word Monday and yesterday about friends coming to visit me this weekend! Well, 1 friend is coming to play a jazz gig and the other 2 friends claim they decided yesterday they are coming to see me on Saturday. Fortunately we are all friends from college ("UNT", pronounced "-unt"!) so hopefully we can all get together at once. My 2 non-gigging friends say it's a 70% chance they are coming on Saturday. While I love and adore them dearly, would kill for them, and have known them since I was a tender 18 years old, I can say with all certainty this means it's really more like 50/50, even if they did text me last night to confirm!

Still! I would love for them to come. I have already offered up the baby's room for them (the baby will love sleeping in our room with us and she will also love seeing her Auntie B. and Uncle T.) and have already gotten a recommendation on an excellent Mexican restaurant with, in the words of my father, "killer margaritas", to take them to. Now I'm just trying to finalize plans with my sax-playing gigging pal, Brucey, whom I have not seen in 13 years!!! We recently found each other on Facebook and I am so glad. He looks the same and probably is the same, which is just how I like it! He was my big brother at college and looked out for me, along with Uncle T. and several other "big brothers" I had (I needed a lot of looking after back then to keep the ever-present weasels at bay).

So 2 more holiday invites have come my way. 1 is the all-girl Christmas ornament exchange, which I am confident I will find totally mind-numbingly tedious, so that's out. Next is an annual holiday party I almost always go to at this millionaire couple's house (seriously) but now that they have a toddler the party is way early, like from 5p-8p and S won't get home early enough from work for us to get over there and really enjoy much of it. Although I'll miss the fantastic food and drinks, I'm ok with missing the party b/c it's always lousy with rich, boring yuppies and we all know how I feel about them! I mean, what is the deal with them? They always seem to me to be perpetually putting on their game faces and trying to present a "persona." I have no patience or tolerance for it. Even my 1 wonderful yuppie friend who is the reason I know these yuppies anyway, as sweet and kind-hearted and genuine as she is, even she talks of when she can buy a BMW. Oh, please.

In other news, RIP Odetta (nice title, eh?). She was my present to myself the day I passed the TCLEOSE exam and became a bona-fide cop, Feb. 10, 2005. Seeing her--for free!--at U of H was my reward for a year's worth of hard work, sweat, and tears. I went to see her with li'l bro and R. It was amazing and I will never forget that wonderful, most perfect day that ended with a wonderful, most perfect concert. Thanks for the memories, Odetta.

Banana and Strawberry Parfait

Like I really need to be eating it. But I need to eat something if I'm going to last 2 hours tonight at Job #2 before meeting S at the Mezz for dinner/Heroes. I did get in 2 workouts this weekend, one at the gym on Saturday and a run yesterday at our local park with S and Tito J., who was visiting for the weekend! It was just like old times, running in the park with Tito J. There are times when I still hate that he moved away to San Antone!

I just got a subpoena to appear in court this Friday morning. A manslaughter case. I had absolutely no recollection of this (isn't that awful?) so the Reserves secretary just looked it up for me and apparently it was a call that Mudflap and I took in July. I'm supposed to be working from home this Friday so I wonder if I really have to go??? Maybe Mudflap can go for the both of us. He loves this shit. I do too but I hate missing work, paying to park downtown, waiting on hard benches, etc.

So here's another good thing about the holidays: it's generally ok to be worthless at work. Most of us have lessened enthusiasm and are totally weighed down by holiday obligations and comfort food! I actually decorated part of the house yesterday. I put up our little 3-foot tree (meaning I pulled it out of the box, ha!) and this year I put it on top of a folding table on top of a red drape. It looks better like that than just sitting on the floor. I put Xmas lights around our door. And I put the tiny Xmas tree in the baby's room. I will probably get to the $1 store to buy more lights to string up a couple more places--why the hell not? Maybe I'll even get some Xmas shit to put in the kitchen, i.e., dishtowels, etc. I am so the un-Martha Stewart. I just don't have the time or energy or want to spend the $ on this crap but this year I am at least making a little effort!