Updates

Had a good weekend w/my brother and Enor. Woody Allen movie was awesome. Spoke to Tommy on Sun. night, taking me to bedtime, for which I'm grateful. Cried on and off all day. Had to send email to "him" telling him to please leave me alone and not contact me (after 1 text on Sat. night and 1 email on Sun. morn received from him).

Didn't cry at all on Monday, even when talking to Brandone that night telling him the whole story.

Yesterday unbelievably "he" texted me saying please let him talk to me, he's reaching out from his heart and needs to talk. I ignored it. He called 20 min later and I felt healthy enough to answer. He did most of the talking, saying he felt sick, he felt like he made a mistake, he loves me and wants to try and work things out. I asked "What's the point?", citing that we want different things in life. he replied "only when it comes to kids!" (OMG!!!) He repeated he loves me and I was his best friend and he wants a relationship with me and to not shut the door. I said HE shut the door on Saturday. I never said I loved him back b/c frankly I don't think I do anymore. I told him I was glad he was leaving town for a month and that I needed to not see/hear from him. He made me promise we'd talk when he got back and I said "fine" but not meaning it--wanting HIM to suffer a little bit now.

Enor later said if it's over, I need to make him understand that it's over. I sighed and agreed. Sent him a text saying I deserve someone to love me and desire me and who wants/needs me in their life and I did not believe that was him and for us to let each other go in peace and find peace and good luck and goodbye. He sent an immediate txt back saying I do deserve those things and he never said he didn't want those things w/me and to not listen to other people that are trying to pull me away from him and they're not in our hearts and souls. I ignored it. He called. I ignored it. He texted more and more--even having the nerve to ask if I was already seeing someone (OMG!!!). I ignored them.

Finally an hour and a half later he sent one final sad text saying he is sorry I feel this way and he sees where I'm going with this and that he wishes he could take it back and make it right between us again. He said he always loved coming home to me and we always had fun together and he loves me and wishes me lots of love and peace and he's sorry for what happened and he made a mistake and will move on now.

I went to see a therapist today. I cried there, lots. I'm going back on Friday. Going out tonite w/Phillipo and dinner tomorrow night w/Rozzy.

Breakup. Yes, Breakup.

So we ended it yesterday. It wasn't bitter or angry. It was sad. We both cried. He can't be the man I need him to be and I guess I wasn't the girlfriend he thought I was. UGH. My heart HURTS. It literally is painful. Yesterday was awful, I spent all day crying after he left my house around 2pm and around 4 thank God L. let me come over and thank you Jesus she lives right down the street now, practically. BTW she's having her baby (a boy) next week already, jeez, she just told me she was pregnant in November. She let me talk and cry and she just listened. Then I had to run off to my eyebrow appt., then I felt so bad I had to go home and lie down (hadn't eaten anything since lunch on Friday) and then I talked on the phone to Enor, Bon, Rozz, my brother, and made plans to go out w/Enor and Bon, which we did.

Anyway. I am going to make myself go see a therapist b/c Jon pointed out my 2 big issues and he said he will work on his issues and I will work on my issues and "we'll see." Well, regarding him/us I don't need to see anything and I am not going to pine for him and hold out any hope. I am moving on. I am attempting to make this as healthy a breakup as possible: no desperate/crazy thoughts, no self-destruction, no alcoholism, no sleeping around. Bon pointed out last night that I NEEDED to eat b/c one of my issues is being an attention/affection junkie and if I refused to eat it was like crying out for attention and for someone to come take care of me. So I am forcing myself to eat--I can't eat very much b/c no appetite AT ALL but I am making myself at least force down some bites of food here and there which is really good for me especially when you consider how I tend to starve myself when I'm sad and depressed.

So here's a healthy thing I'm going to do right now: List the things that I will NOT miss about him or that I found exasperating or that gave us conflict, etc.

1. Even his sisters call him "Diva." He had to have everything just so. His laundry, clothes, car, food, shower soap, etc. have to be perfect.
2. Yet, he had an annoying habit of leaving little pieces of trash just lying around (bottle caps, plastic wrappers, etc.)--his house and my house.
3. My side of the bed is the right side but that's HIS side too and I let him have it b/c I loved him and wanted him to be happy. See #1.
   
4. I let him have MY good parking space that backs up to my patio door while I parked my car over by the fence. Mostly this was b/c he got home late at night though from gigs and thus wouldn't have far to carry his amp. (Meanwhile at HIS house I had to park on the street. The street. At least my 2nd parking spot is inside a gate!)
   
5. I bought a firmer mattress than I'd prefer b/c he needs a firm mattress b/c of his back and his weight.
   
6. He complained about my leather couch b/c it was "too soft", again needing a harder couch b/c of his weight.
   
7. He didn't like to go out and see live music very much b/c playing music is his job and he didn't want to go to work on his nights off.
8. Had to keep the A/C at my house soooo low and I was freezing, thanks to him.
9. Sometimes he'd make "out there" comments about distrusting the government/government conspiracies and his desire to stay off the grid as much as possible.
   
10. Thought vaccinations--literally the world's greatest public health accomplishment, BTW--were a government conspiracy and had said if we had a kid it would NOT be vaccinated.
11. I had to be careful about fragrances around him--couldn't use my Chanel perfume (not that I wear that often, hardly ever wear it, just on special occasions) and couldn't use certain lotions.
12. Was a little OCD and didn't like it when I touched stair bannisters, escalator handrails, etc.
    

There's more but I'll keep it to myself. I can't believe I broke up with the most incredible boyfriend ever, Mr. Wonderful b/c of the words that Jon told me/the promises he made me. And now the terms of the contract, if you will, have changed and so I have to be out. I have to be done. Not that Mr. W and I were ever going to work out ultimately anyway but I hurt him and devastated him and I will always regret that and hate that I did that to him.

One thing I'm determined to do now: remain single for the time being. One could surmise that I don't like to be alone b/c I do tend to go from relationship to relationship and that is one thing I'll be discussing in therapy. So b/c it will be different and unlike me to remain single I am going to do just that. It will be a growing exercise. If being alone is seemingly something that I'm frightened of, then doing what scares me will be a great learning experience and will be GOOD for my character.

At Job #1's short Sunday shift and it'll be a 1/2 hour shorter b/c I NEED to go see the new Woody Allen movie at 5:45p w/Enor. BTW I went to the Texas exhibit at the museum this morning at 9am w/my li'l bro and it was awesome. I am still crying on and off and that's normal, but I got the good, aching, heaving sobbing day-long crying done yesterday. I hope.

I Guess It's True What They Say About Twitter

I suppose I've been blogging less b/c I'm spending more time on my Twitter. Well, I still like to write here though; really it's my record of happenings. So what the hell is going on? Well I finally got well, last week. Took 3 damn weeks to get over that URI and my knee is still healing from the broken glass but I was finally able to take the bandaid off. I gigged last Thurs. and Fri. w/Jon and our harmonica frenemy and at the Fri. gig I wanted to wear my pink strapless mini-dress so I took the bandaid off then for the 1st time.

Whew, what a night that was! Jon and I spent the night down the street from the gig at his older sister's house, as Jon had to be at the airport at 6am--we only got about 2 1/2 hrs of sleep after we loaded up, got paid, and since I was craving ice cream, went to the grocery store to satisfy my late-night craving. Then after dropping Jon off at the airport I had to report to Job #2 for a special weekend security shift. 2 shifts actually. I sat outside doing security from 7a-10a, then went home, managed to take a nap (left the damn cell phone in the other room so as not to be pestered by calls/texts), then reported back to Job #2 for another shift of 4-6p. At which time I went down to see me Ma and stepdad. Finally I came home and was happy to spend a nice, sedate, restful evening at home. That's b/c I had to be in bed at a decent time for SUNDAY'S Job #2 security shift of 7a-9a, after which time I had to go pick up Jon from the airport; he had just a quick gig on Sat. in Baltimore so it was nice to have him home almost right away again.

This past Monday night he headlined at the House of Blues and so many of our friends and his family were there. Really fun night. Tonight I'm looking forward to returning to the jam after 2 weeks of missing it due to illness/malaise. I'm excited b/c this afternoon I went to the "ghetto mall" and ordered me a 10 Karat gold tooth cap. It was so cool! They made an impression of my teeth and it should be ready by this evening and I will wear it to the jam and horrify Jon and perhaps some other people, yuk yuk! Actually Enor says she's always wanted one too, and I fully support her getting one herself!

We have a busy weekend coming up: Texas history exhibit at the HMNS; Jon and Rich are gigging at Big Easy Sat. night; and I'm doing the Sunday shift at Job #1.

Collapsed

Did you see what GOD just did to me?!?! He knocked me down yesterday, man. Literally. I collapsed at the Big Easy minutes after getting offstage where I played w/Leo. I had started to sweat 2nd to last song, and I felt the damn hives coming on. I rushed to the bar and got a big glass of ice and began icing myself down, with the help of Enor. I decided to go outside and sit in the sun, to get away from the music and noise and everyone, thinking that sitting quietly by myself would help the hives. Well, my ex-boyfriend, who I used to call Mr. Wonderful, came outside immediately and began talking to me and talking to me and talking to me and after about 10 min. I just felt ILL. I was now completely covered in hives and I'd never felt this SICK before, and I decided I needed to get inside in the A/C stat. I tried to stand up but couldn't and sat back down. Ex BF said, "Are you ok?" and I couldn't even respond. I tried once again to get up and go inside and managed to get a hold of my purse, glass of Crown/Coke, and glass of ice although my hands and fingers were badly tingling from the histamine coursing through my system.

I made it inside the doorway, saw black, managed to lean against the wall, dropped the glass of ice, heard it shatter, didn't care, and next thing I knew I was on my hands and knees and someone (our friend Jim) was grabbing me and dragging me into the club and putting my legs up on a chair so my feet were over my head. That actually helped, and I came to and they were fanning me, and Jon was playing onstage but he rushed offstage to come and see if I was ok and I heard them yelling for a Dr. in the house and then I was able to sit up and Jon and our friend Jim carried me into the office and lay me on the couch and one of our blues friends who is also a nurse gave me some Benadryl and took my pulse and my blood pressure and Enor was there bringing me water and Jim brought my some pineapple juice and they were trying to clean my bloody knee (from the broken glass) and it was just chaos. I guess I really freaked everyone out!!! Once I was stabilized Jon went back out and finished his set while they were keeping him abreast of the situation (going out and giving him thumbs ups) but then came back and said he was driving me home in my car and Enor and our friend Ed would follow and then drive him back to the club. After about 40 min. the hives still hadn't gone away, even though the president of the blues society had run down to the store and brought me back some Benadryl cream, which our nurse friend rubbed all over me.

Once home Jon and Enor got me on the couch, got me my drink, and left me to rest. I slept after the Benadryl kicked in. Shit! OK God, I get it, I get it. I'm still not well and the antibiotic clearly took away my resistance to heat/the hot-ass sun. And I'd broken out into hives on Fri. night after we were swimming in Jim's (salt-water) pool around midnight and I was cold getting out of the water but it was only 4-5 tiny hive-y spots that went away in about 15 min. But I was clearly histamine-riddled still and the worst thing I coulda done was go sit in the sun like that, but I thought sitting quietly and peacefully would help the hives calm down. Big mistake, thanks to the antibiotic. I'll be taking the rest of the week easy, b/c I got gigs on Thurs. and Fri w/Jon and our harmonica frenemy--and I MUST make those gigs. I need the $ and they need a bass player. But I'm even going to skip the jam on Weds. for the 2nd week in a row. I finish the antibiotic tomorrow thank God.

Sick, Sick, Sick, Sick, SICK!

As in, I am still recovering from the nastiest upper respiratory infection (URI) that I've had since probably I was a kid. Oh boy, it hit me GOOD. I had chills/fever beginning on Sat. night and a low-grade fever on Sunday/Monday. I spent Sunday-Tuesday IN BED. Seriously. Only yesterday, Weds., did I finally progress from my bed to spending the day downstairs on the couch. Today I'm back at both jobs. Jon forced me to go to the grocery-store clinic--where I'd never been before, but now am SOLD on! Only my $25 office visit copay and in and out of there in minutes!!!--on Sun. morning and they gave me antibiotics but I still have a lingering cough though each day is better and better.

I tell you what, though... I NEEDED these past 4 days to spend at my house/in bed. Desperately. It was awesome even though I was sick, and I know God made me sick to slow me down for once. Ok, I get it, Lord. I'll try to stop overscheduling myself within an inch of my life and to take more breathers. Stayed home from the jam last night. Nothing tonight but a nice dinner at home w/Jon. Tomorrow night is free. This is b/c I definitely need to be rested up for the weekend: 4 hour gig in Galveston on Sat. afternoon, followed by my maternal grandmother's brother's 50th wedding anniversary party that night. Then Sunday is an all-day benefit at the Big Easy for our bass player buddy whose mom just died; I'm not playing (that I know of) but will be there to hang, drink, and support the cause.