Hoo-Ah. I Need a Drink

I've been feeling pretty good, I hafta say. Decent weekend, seeing glimpses here and there of peace, serenity, even happiness at times which is huge. Dealing with things, people, conflict in a more peaceful way, not raging as much and I feel a lot of my old bad destructive habits and outlooks slipping away, slowly but surely. However today I am just feeling blah again. I led the SLAA meeting on Sunday, my 2nd time and my topic was "balance" b/c that is something I've been struggling with. Big huge surprise, it was a difficult topic for most of the women to share on! There was big silence several times! That's b/c as addicts we are unfamiliar with living a life of balance, we are very black and white and extreme. It was funny sad. But I know I need to strive for more balance and am determined to do so.

Tonite JFu and I will return to the open mic we went to last week. It was pretty cool, nice vibe, laid back, not a huge crowd but JFu just needs to get re-accustomed to performing live and this is an acceptable way to get her to do so for now. Hopefully my SLAA GF/neighbor will meet us up there, the more the merrier. (She has to meet w/a sponsee tonite so can't come with me, as she did last week.)

No word from Enor still and today makes 1 week. I don't really care. It kinda concerns me but whatever, she's not my problem. I still wish I had more female friends and am working on that, though I've pulled away from some of the SLAA girls b/c some of them just seem too... and I'm sorry to say this, but damaged. I mean, I'm damaged too but I don't have to deal w/shit like eating disorders, alcoholism, and drug abuse. One of the women I was becoming close to but she shared on Sunday how uncomfortable and triggered she was on Sat night when they all went to dinner and one girl was talking about how yummy her wine was. Well, if it makes her uncomfortable for someone to be drinking around her, and I love to drink, well, I'm not sure I want to hang around her anymore b/c I'll be worrying about triggering her. I just wish there were more SLAA women like me, a little more balanced, know what I mean?!?! And I'm still not balanced but I'm a lot more balanced than a lot of these women.

I had a great time on Sat night ALL BY MYSELF. I had to turn around en route to Luling b/c Tito J got sick and I went to Sealy for BBQ at Hinze's, where I'd only been once before w/Jon and Bear. So I decided to make Hinze's BBQ a new memory for me, all about me, MY new memory and I had a great dinner in the same room we sat in last time. Took 2 desserts to go. Then I went to Katy Mills Mall where I'd never been before, again to create a new memory for myself. I walked the whole mall and scored some KILLER deals and had a very enjoyable time being anonymous in a new mall and peacefully doing some shopping but not spending much $ as it was tax-free weekend and the sales were out of this world. I have to say--it was actually FUN, just spending time with myself on a Sat night. New for me. But fun.

Going home to Scotty Star now, will play w/her and then head out to play some music.