Breakup. Yes, Breakup.

So we ended it yesterday. It wasn't bitter or angry. It was sad. We both cried. He can't be the man I need him to be and I guess I wasn't the girlfriend he thought I was. UGH. My heart HURTS. It literally is painful. Yesterday was awful, I spent all day crying after he left my house around 2pm and around 4 thank God L. let me come over and thank you Jesus she lives right down the street now, practically. BTW she's having her baby (a boy) next week already, jeez, she just told me she was pregnant in November. She let me talk and cry and she just listened. Then I had to run off to my eyebrow appt., then I felt so bad I had to go home and lie down (hadn't eaten anything since lunch on Friday) and then I talked on the phone to Enor, Bon, Rozz, my brother, and made plans to go out w/Enor and Bon, which we did.

Anyway. I am going to make myself go see a therapist b/c Jon pointed out my 2 big issues and he said he will work on his issues and I will work on my issues and "we'll see." Well, regarding him/us I don't need to see anything and I am not going to pine for him and hold out any hope. I am moving on. I am attempting to make this as healthy a breakup as possible: no desperate/crazy thoughts, no self-destruction, no alcoholism, no sleeping around. Bon pointed out last night that I NEEDED to eat b/c one of my issues is being an attention/affection junkie and if I refused to eat it was like crying out for attention and for someone to come take care of me. So I am forcing myself to eat--I can't eat very much b/c no appetite AT ALL but I am making myself at least force down some bites of food here and there which is really good for me especially when you consider how I tend to starve myself when I'm sad and depressed.

So here's a healthy thing I'm going to do right now: List the things that I will NOT miss about him or that I found exasperating or that gave us conflict, etc.

1. Even his sisters call him "Diva." He had to have everything just so. His laundry, clothes, car, food, shower soap, etc. have to be perfect.
2. Yet, he had an annoying habit of leaving little pieces of trash just lying around (bottle caps, plastic wrappers, etc.)--his house and my house.
3. My side of the bed is the right side but that's HIS side too and I let him have it b/c I loved him and wanted him to be happy. See #1.
   
4. I let him have MY good parking space that backs up to my patio door while I parked my car over by the fence. Mostly this was b/c he got home late at night though from gigs and thus wouldn't have far to carry his amp. (Meanwhile at HIS house I had to park on the street. The street. At least my 2nd parking spot is inside a gate!)
   
5. I bought a firmer mattress than I'd prefer b/c he needs a firm mattress b/c of his back and his weight.
   
6. He complained about my leather couch b/c it was "too soft", again needing a harder couch b/c of his weight.
   
7. He didn't like to go out and see live music very much b/c playing music is his job and he didn't want to go to work on his nights off.
8. Had to keep the A/C at my house soooo low and I was freezing, thanks to him.
9. Sometimes he'd make "out there" comments about distrusting the government/government conspiracies and his desire to stay off the grid as much as possible.
   
10. Thought vaccinations--literally the world's greatest public health accomplishment, BTW--were a government conspiracy and had said if we had a kid it would NOT be vaccinated.
11. I had to be careful about fragrances around him--couldn't use my Chanel perfume (not that I wear that often, hardly ever wear it, just on special occasions) and couldn't use certain lotions.
12. Was a little OCD and didn't like it when I touched stair bannisters, escalator handrails, etc.
    

There's more but I'll keep it to myself. I can't believe I broke up with the most incredible boyfriend ever, Mr. Wonderful b/c of the words that Jon told me/the promises he made me. And now the terms of the contract, if you will, have changed and so I have to be out. I have to be done. Not that Mr. W and I were ever going to work out ultimately anyway but I hurt him and devastated him and I will always regret that and hate that I did that to him.

One thing I'm determined to do now: remain single for the time being. One could surmise that I don't like to be alone b/c I do tend to go from relationship to relationship and that is one thing I'll be discussing in therapy. So b/c it will be different and unlike me to remain single I am going to do just that. It will be a growing exercise. If being alone is seemingly something that I'm frightened of, then doing what scares me will be a great learning experience and will be GOOD for my character.

At Job #1's short Sunday shift and it'll be a 1/2 hour shorter b/c I NEED to go see the new Woody Allen movie at 5:45p w/Enor. BTW I went to the Texas exhibit at the museum this morning at 9am w/my li'l bro and it was awesome. I am still crying on and off and that's normal, but I got the good, aching, heaving sobbing day-long crying done yesterday. I hope.