Horrified...but Hopeful

Leo was admitted to the hospital on Sunday w/"liver failure", so our rehearsal was cancelled. I went on Tues to see him, as he was in St. Luke's right down the street from Job #1. He told me they found a growth blocking his bile duct (I think) so they put a stent in and did a biopsy. We were to get the results of the biopsy on Weds. Apparently with chronic pancreatitis, as he has, cysts are very common and since he was just hospitalized in April w/pancreatitis I figured that's what was going on here. I found it hard to believe a cancerous tumor could grow that fast.

I was so wrong. On Weds. we found out Leo has Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. This is the worst possible diagnosis and now that I have done my research on the subject, PC is knows as a "silent killer" as it grows fast and there is no diagnostic test for it. Stage 4 is inoperable--in fact, only the early stage is operable but it is rarely found that soon. All they can do is hit it with the hardest chemo hits possible, so they will begin chemo next Weds. I went and saw Leo again yesterday and he was supposed to be discharged after they inserted a chemo button in his chest.

We are going to do our gig tomorrow; Leo is determined to do it and it will help take his (and our) minds off things. As far as the rest of the Saturday gigs in October we will just have to wait and see how Leo feels, mostly. A lot of people are coming out as the news has spread fast. I for one have been very distracted and finding it hard to concentrate but I still promised Paul I'd play the gig fine on Weds. and that did go all right. It was a fun gig/bday party and a good crowd. In fact Paul asked me to join his band permanently and I said yes. Then he, Chopper and I went out drinking and went to Chopper's pad for beer, smokes, and music and I didn't get home til 6am. You gotta bond w/your bandmates!

People are texting me and sending me FB messages saying they're sorry about Leo. I have asked everyone to pray hard and often. I am doing the same. I am trying to work my program and hand my worries about Leo over to God and Jesus. I did get some nice advice from a friend today to tell Leo to get a veggie juicer and veggie it up! So I am going to just go buy him a veggie juicer tonite after Job #2. I feel so helpless and this is what I can do for him right now. And pray.

Talks of a benefit for Leo are already underway. I saw that Jon had the nerve to offer to help (after all the shit-talking he's done about Leo's playing) but I don't care. I'm not going to waste my time being angry or bitter at anyone. Today a hater sent me a FB msg saying she wanted to extend an olive branch and hoped I would accept. Of course I did, and responded as much. She sent me a friend request and I accepted. I just want to focus on peace and love and goodness and hope. I slept 9 hrs last nite instead of going out and I'm not sure I feel up to going out tonite. I want to spend time with my cat and rest up b/c I am scared I don't take as good care of my body as I should and yes, Leo's situation is a wake-up call. I think I should stay home tonite, rest, journal, work on my program readings, cry if I need to, pray, and get a good night's sleep as tomorrow is a long day.