Setback, Which is Normal

But still a pain in the ass. Seeing S on Monday night got to me. I actually cried about my divorce situation last night for the 1st time in about a month. They had made his group move in front of us at the meeting b/c an atty. from the D.A.'s office was sent to give us some new legislative updates (i.e., the penalty for a drive-by shooting that results in serious bodily injury AND death is now the same?!?! Which means the gangsters would do well to make sure they FINISH the job!!! What crack is our legislators smoking?!?!) so everyone had to sit together to see the powerpoint. Meant the back of S's head was in my field of vision. I kept looking at him, seething inside, thinking things like, How could you do this to us? What the fuck is wrong with you? Is your mother paying for your haircuts now? Also: God he's so good-looking, what a waste! I hate him! I can't believe it's come to this between us! I can't believe I'm married to him and I feel like I don't even know him! etc. etc. But from what I hear and read, these thoughts are all normal. I hate having to be normal.

My atty. has received all my documents in the mail and said that we should have Return of Service (I think that means S. will be served with the divorce papers but I didn't want to spend 6 minutes/$25 of my atty's time to ask him) within 2 weeks' time. And then S's baby mama called me today asking about the pictures of her daughter. I had called her a few weeks ago to tell her (among other things) that I had a whole bunch of pic's that I was using as leverage to make S cooperate with me and that if he didn't want them then I would give them to her. Today she called asking about them but I said S is not speaking to me so I didn't know yet if he was going to cooperate or not. I also told her I am cutting off his cell phone this week. We agreed to keep in touch, and she said his mother told her that he will be getting an apartment soon. She said she'd let me know where it is and also his new cell # if any. I tell you one thing, the only way he's getting an apartment is if his mommy pays for it!

So I'm back onto the healing process. Gonna go see Paula Nelson tonight, for free! I've never seen her but have been intrigued for awhile. Duh, she's Willie's progeny! J. said she'd go with me. It's at a bar/club in Midtown I've never been to either, so tonight should surely be an adventure.

I've eaten a whole bunch these last 3 days. We had a good Mexican dinner on Monday night after the meeting (Mudflap, my Sgt. friend, etc.). Then yesterday was the annual employee luncheon at work and I ate my fill, including dessert. Last night was my first board meeting of a women's health organization and they had dinner/dessert for us as well. This morning we had a breakfast at work in honor of St. Jerome and I picked up the kolaches and ate a bunch of other stuff (chocolate croissants: heavenly!) as well. I figured by now I must've gained a pound or 2 but I haven't. I did some Yoga on Demand last night and that helped a little with this latest round of stress/sadness. Hopefully tonight will be good music therapy b/c I gotta get back on that upswing I was on.

Why, Monday, Why?

It's Monday again and it seems like just an hour ago it was Friday! Why does this always happen to me??? Anyway, it was an awesome weekend. The show on Friday night was IN-CREDIBLE. B. and I are our other friends were Right Up Front and danced all night. It was a heavy duty music show--big time Louisiana Cajun Blues! I was about 4 feet in front of the legendary Cyril Neville and my new heartthrob crush, Tab Benoit. So strange that my dad took me to see him play about 15 years ago and I wasn't all that moved at the time. Yet this past Friday night I fell in love! Of course, it's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart, heh heh.

Saturday I qualified ok, no prob's so I didn't bother to count up my score this year. Today though my right arm still hurts from Vasquez, my shotgun. The Sgt. was encouraging me to do a combat load (hold the shotgun up with your right arm and aim at your suspect, load shells underneath with your left hand) to prove I was serious, but the shotgun is just too heavy for me. He said I was too small, which I guess is true. And getting smaller! I lost another pound recently. But I shot the hell out of that target including 4 slugs from 30 yards to center mass, so that's what counts!

Saturday night I ended up riding with Mudflap for the special assignment. We were SOOOO looking forward to finding some drunks so we could practice our new skills, but since I was out there the criminals stayed in as they always do. We switched off on driving and at one point I had to go get us a fried apple pie to split. We wrote some tickets but otherwise just drove around all night in our assigned area, scaring off the illegal street racers. The Chief took some pictures of us while we were doing some traffic stops.

Yesterday I stayed home all day long and needed to and enjoyed it. Did some light housework, watched 2 Blockbuster movies (Sunshine Cleaning and Rudo y Cursi), did some reading, finished getting the documents ready to mail to my attorney. Had a couple glasses of wine, talked to some friends. Tonight is the monthly sheriff Reserve meeting and although I am irked at the thought of S being in the same room with me, it doesn't bother me as much as it did last month. Jerk! I'm so over having his shit in my house. I'm thinking of getting together with J. on one of her garage sales since most of his crap is not selling on Craigslist.

Ah Luvs Fridays

And tonight's should be enjoyable. My music-loving friend B. called my attention to this group playing tonight and I cannot resist. Plus it's a benefit so my hard-earned $ goes to a good cause which is always the icing on my cake. Wow, Cyril Neville will be there tonight?!?! WAY COOL!!!

Last night was fun, but I didn't know Paul Mooney did mostly social/Hollywood commentary and roasts instead of classic standup. In fact he sat on a stool the whole night--he's an old man, heh heh. Me and J. sat front row center of course! Paul even had J. hand him a napkin at one point. She had never been to the Improv before and said she'd be game to return whenever I wanted! Excellent. The white folks in the audience got picked on majorly. I was glad to be Latina!

Tomorrow I cannot wait to sleep in. I have slept in as much as I could the past 2 days (b/c Boss at Job #1 worked from home both days, so I sorta snuck in later than usual) but I need more sleep. I ate a lot yesterday! Lunchtime found me at the Houston Wellness Assoc. luncheon b/c the High-spanic Health Coalition Pres. was being honored, so several of us board members went. I ate almost all my lunch and even chased it with the flan which I normally hate, but I NEEDED something sweet. Then last night at the Improv J. and I shared the big Date Plate of fried appetizers, yum.

But tomorrow is a busy day indeed. First I must sleep in as late as possible and lounge around until I am able to peel myself off the bed. Then I gotta clean my gun (since I won't be able to do it tonight and I've been putting it off all damn week) and then get my buns up to the Academy in the afternoon so I can do my annual qualifications: handgun and shotgun. Then I will report for duty at 1830 for a special assignment; Mudflap will also be working, also my Sgt. friend. I will be paired up with a Major who adores me, and I suspect he requested that I work with him since we had fun working together the last time. We'll work 'til 0300 in our specific targeted area. I hope to catch some drunks since now I'm certified to administer the SFST's!

Sunday I have a lot of movie watching and library book reading to do but at some point I hope to visit L.'s new digs, as she is moving to Houston this weekend!

Health note: My skin is not doing so well, "all of a sudden." Also I am itching a lot at night again. I.e., my leg will itch, then my nose, then my side, then my neck, etc. etc. and it's just ridiculous. I think these things are stress-related and I am always struggling to get my stress under control. I am not sure what caused this latest stress flare-up though. I think I'm going to just start popping Benadryl at night after the box wine has sufficiently worn off. I also want to get one of those expensive spa facials, as soon as I can fit it into the budget.

Last Night? &$%#ing Incredible

Except for the part where Roz put on the Facebook event that showtime would be at 8. That was a lie! And I have only been to the venue once before (last year when A. played there with Tower of Power) so I didn't know any better, plus it being a school night and all. I got there right at 8 and then had to wait almost an hour, surrounded by high-school lookin' boys and guys that looked like comic-book store employees, if you know what I mean. I drank and Tweeted to pass the time. I met 1 person during that time, a girl! Anyway...

Roz's jazz trio KILLED. I was so proud!!! It was so exciting! Guys started talking to me too and I made some friends in the audience. At one point I went to the restroom and when I came back this nice-looking guy by the bar grabbed my hand so he could meet me. (Ok, I was wearing a tight top and short skort!) He introduced me to his 2 friends who are also his bandmates, a drummer and keyboard player. The drummer was HOT. Agh. And TALL. Whoo! Mercy. I spent a few minutes talking to him, yeah! They told me about their band and were blown away (as people always are) when I told them I was a bass player and friends with Roz AND there seeing Victor Wooten for the 4th or 5th time. I went back to my spot up front and met a couple other cool dude musicians (no high schoolers!) there and we all made friends.

Victor Wooten destroyed me. I was a puddle of goo on the floor. I wanted to laugh and cry, he was so motherfucking incredible. He also brought out his damn kids! His beautiful (1/2-white) children are unbelievably talented! The 8-year old boy played a killer funky-ass drum! The 11-year old daughter sang awesomely. Then they brought out The World's Cutest 6-year old girl who SANG HARMONY with her 11-year old sister!!! I fully expect these gorgeous, amazing children to take over the world someday!

Later I realized I should get away from the front of the stage before I exploded and went to check out the sound in the back of the room. I found Roz (he had been SO kind to put me on the guest list that night!) and watched the rest of the show with him. I saw that hot tall drummer guy from earlier walk past and I grabbed him so he could meet Roz, but turns out they already knew each other. (Houston really is a small music world sometimes.) That drummer guy knew he was hot though b/c he was being very touchy feely with me, hugging me, rubbing my back, etc. Fresh!!! Guys like that know they can get away with it, though...

I didn't get home 'til after 1am but I went home really elated and SO happy. I had run into some other old musician friends as well and that was great. I wish I could have musical nights like that every night!

Recovering

Damn, I had to take today off from work just to recover from this past weekend. There was just a lot going on and I stayed up way too late every night and since tomorrow night is the concert with Rozz and the World's Greatest Bass Player Victor Wooten, I had to take today off or I was gonna be dead by Wednesday! But the SFST class went well and I passed with flying colors as always. I am now certified to conduct the 3 Standardized Field Sobriety Tests (Horizontal Gaze Nystagmus, Walk and Turn, and One Leg Stand) on DWI suspects and subsequently go to court on these cases if necessary!

I also spend the last 2 nights chatting late into the night with my old college buddy, T. who I found on Facebook. I always adored him so, and we were buddies in our dorm but although he was waaaaay hot and funny and wonderful I always had stupid boyfriends getting in my way! Anyway, T. and I are now rekindling our friendship and he is single too so it's a good thing he still lives up in the Dallas area and is not here to corrupt me.

On Friday night I went out and met my friend B. at the Big Top and I actually sat in with the band on one song, a slow blues. The song went well but the stupid bass strap slipped off before we started and the bass clattered loudly to the floor and I had only had 1 Stolli Vanill so who knows what that was all about. (p.s. the drummer is my divorce lawyer--small world!) And last night at the Improv was GREAT!!! We laughed and laughed at the 3 comedians, plus the headliner Greg Behrendt. And of course we sat in my favorite spot, front row center, against the stage, the better to encourage the comedians to mess with you! I have decided it would be a capital idea to start hanging out at the Improv. They always have last-minute cheap/free tickets and the humor therapy is PRICELESS. JFu and R. and I made definite plans to return again soon.

Fridays at Work? Awesome.

Because it's so quiet around here and a bunch of people are usually gone and the standards for the day tend to be quite low. Ahhh. I came in late to Job #1 today too since I had to be at Job #2 this morning for an "all school" meeting which means I got to sleep late which was good b/c I stayed up way too late last night. We had our 1st night of SFST class last night and although it was supposed to last until 11pm we got out of there shortly after 10pm. Mudflap wanted to go eat but I wasn't in the mood. For some reason the class was supposed to have like 30 people in it but only about 11 of us were there. Bummer b/c big classes are more fun, e.g., when we do the dealing with real drunks part on Saturday we will not need that many drunk people to assist!

So we'll be back for more tonight, then all day tomorrow although the instructor said we should be done way early on Sunday. Mudflap has offered to drive us to class on Sat. and Sun., yay. On Sunday evening I got free tickets to see Greg Behrendt at the Improv, which'll be fun since I'm currently listening to his Book on CD, "It's Called a BreakUp Because It's Broken", ha ha. JFu and R. will join me and I bet the audience will be 90% female!

My latest desired project is redecorating my house. I have read that's what you're supposed to do after a divorce/breakup. The problem is all my $ is going to lawyer fees, car repair (I have to get my struts done soon--$600+) and my upcoming road trips with friends. And those 3 things take priority, no question. I wish I could get S's stupid recliner out of the living room and replace his oriental rug with something else. I already got everything else of his out of that room. Also that big stupid broken projection TV but I will need a truck to haul it away and I'll need to get a TV stand to put the flat-screen on. All this will cost $ and I just don't have it in the budget right now. Of course it's important to be delicate with myself during this trying time and not pressure myself but seeing his crap in my house is affecting my mental health! At least the bathrooms are re-done, I got new hand towels and bath mats asap.

The other problem though is that I am not the kind of woman who has an eye for decorating b/c honestly I just don't have time for that crap. I mean, I'm going to spend my valuable time comparing 25 different shades of beige!?!??! Oh My God. I mean, I guess if I could I'd decorate the whole place either in animal prints (leopard, zebra etc.--it's a Hispanic thing!) or cowboy/western motif! Then again... who gives a shit. None of my wood matches, either! Who has time for this crap???

The Doubt Needs to STOP!

Today I've been working on my health website at work and I was finding a bunch of websites for counselors, psychologists, etc. I was also considering finding a new therapist since I just don't have the energy to deal with my current one and her sister being in hospice. But then I was thinking of my 93-yr old grandfather and the depressing, shitty childhood he had and how he often had depression his whole life and how HE didn't go to no therapy, so what's my damn problem?!? Surely I can tough it out like he did, and save a bunch of $25 copays besides? Anyway, I was looking at a lot of therapists' websites and how a lot of them also do relationship/marriage counseling and it made me wonder if my marriage was still somehow salvageable??? Because the idea of divorce is SO distasteful to me and I hate every day that this is happening to me. But truthfully, I need to remember how hard I worked at this marriage and fucking killed myself these past 4 years working my ass off at all these damn jobs and making so much fucking $ to support him and his daughter, put him through school, pay for his $30,000 custody battle, pay for over a year of marriage counseling, and all I have to show for my efforts is a cool last name!!!!!!!!!!!! For real!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, there were so many things wrong with this relationship there really is nothing left to salvage. We ultimately had very little in common. We both had so much resentment built up against each other it would've taken years of individual psychotherapy PLUS marriage counseling to fix our attitudes towards each other--and we had neither the $ for this counseling plus he made it very clear he didn't have the time (or rather, want to spend the time). He was no longer the loving, caring individual that I needed (and thought I had) after we got married. He loved to bite, pinch, and squeeze me to the point of pain and annoyance on my part, and he did this every day, even if we were just sitting around the house. Once at our monthly Sheriff's meeting this year I gave him some money to buy a soft drink out of the vending machine, then a little while later I wanted a sip and there was very little left, but I drank some and when I gave it back to him, he was disgusted and said I could keep my "backwash"--and he said this in front of another deputy, which I found humiliating and hurtful. He always made time for activities HE wanted to do such as wrestling events and things that involved his daughter, but when I asked him to do so for me he rarely could, or if he did he made it very clear I was totally inconveniencing him and I would owe him later. When SSS made her film starring me and Mudflap as cops I asked S if I could borrow his wallet badge on a chain (that cost $40 and you can guess who paid for it) and he reluctantly said yes but that I would owe him. And the truth is that he hid a lot of things from me (secret female friends, money borrowed from his mother [also a legendary big fucking liar and obviously from where he learned it] and Mano, his whereabouts during the day) so he never was trustworthy from Day 1. And my big fucking mistake was always that I believed him, and believed in him.

So my sometime doubts about this marriage being a sham and my second-guessing throwing his ass out need to STOP. Everybody involved knows that I did enough work in this marriage for 5 fucking people, so I need to quit feeling like the failure here. It's hard to remember that though.

My New Most-Used Website

is this one. I also went to the library last night and got a couple books on the subject, including a Book on CD. Self-help books, aarrrggghhh! Obviously I'm desperate. My therapist's sister went to hospice a couple of weeks ago and they rescheduled my appt. twice already and so I said I'd just call them back to reschedule. I don't feel comfortable coming in and bitching about my situation if her sister is dying/has just died. Dammit.

I sold a bunch of DVD's at 1/2 Price yesterday and got a measly $20, but then I turned right around and bought some new sheets from a chick from craigslist for that amount. I was tired of seeing S's child's Disney princess sheets on my futon in my house and Bean will be staying with me in November so last night I put them away and got the futon set up as a futon again, which it hasn't been in almost 4 years. Now I just need to get the rest of that room in order, i.e., shove all the toys into a closet, clean, vacuum. Baby steps.

I think I almost got together all the doc's my lawyer needs for my case. Jesus, I cannot wait to get the papers filed--I wanted S out of my life FOREVER a month ago!!! In the steps of grieving--denial, anger, box wine, bargaining, depression, and acceptance--I am stuck right at anger and box wine!!! I guess with a little depression thrown in. Denial didn't really happen since I threw his worthless ass out. Acceptance is pretty much done as well. While sometimes I'm tempted to pop a Valium or borrow a Xanax, I just can't bring myself to rely on pharmaceuticals, just on general principle since it's my opinion that everyone is already over-medicated these days! Plus, with the box wine being my constant companion that would be too crazy and too stupid.

But there's a lot of fun activities coming up! Cool concerts coming to town soon, trying to find the cheapest ticket to ACL Fest and Levon that I possibly can, and of course the trips with friends on the horizon. This weekend should also keep me plenty distracted: SFST (Standard Field Sobriety Training) at the academy Thursday night, Friday night, all day Sat. and Sun. Mudflap and my ex-Sgt. friend will both be in attendance so that'll be good comaraderie.

Rainy Sleepy Friday

I woke up an hour late this a.m. Oh well! I am always late and that's all there is too it. It's like Clark Gable said about chronically tardy to the set Marilyn Monroe when they were filming The Misfits: "Why are beautiful women always late?" he would tease her. They adored each other.

Going to a Taqueria in a bit with friends. Perhaps pater familias will be there too. I will hopefully get copies of the short film Mudflap and I were in since this is a dinner organized by the filmmaker. Last night's dinner was nice and JFu and I ended up going to Maggiano's! Drool. Chicken pesto pasta for days, baby. I also had a mojito. Yum.

Got Krav Maga class at the academy in the morning, then will hang around the rifle range until Mudflap et al get done with their AR-15 rifle class so we can all go to lunch together. I am hoping I don't get hurt tomorrow b/c I am not on top of my game AT ALL these days; also I have a big bruise on my leg that happened God Knows How this past weekend on patrol. Also I'm still feeling a little apathetic about life and all and don't have much ganas about anything. But I know the training will be good for me and so I cannot pass it up.

Bean and I are ironing out the details of our November Dallas trip. B. apparently has gotten us a KILLER family rate at her fancy downtown Dallas hotel. And back in Houston, Bean and I will paint the town red and burgandy and burnt sienna every night. Meanwhile, I'm also planning a trip to Marfa with my wonderful friend G. and his crazy brother B. We will go visit our nutty friend/bar owner D. (See his blog listed on my blogroll.) This will be Thanksgiving weekend. We'll spend T-giving at G.'s and B.'s mom's house in Marble Falls, then head down to Marfa early on Friday. Sounds like a hell of a plan to me!

Bleh... Guess That's an Improvement

Today I no longer feel so apathetic and bummed, now it's just kind of a "bleh" feeling. But I'm going to meet up with JFu in a bit at the fun restaurant, although she'll have her baby with her. That's fine with me. I actually am hungry (today I've eaten: a chicken biscuit from McD's and one of their yogurt parfaits) and am looking forward to eating something of substance tonight. Perhaps fish. Or perhaps a bunch of fried stuff.

Watched the Prez's speech last night. That was one thing that always annoyed me about S, that he had zero interest in the goings-on of our country. I think that's just irresponsible and ignorant. He got annoyed at me for wanting to watch the presidential campaigns, the convention speeches, the debates, etc. He refused to vote! See, now that's just white trash!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mudflap has convinced me to throw my hat into the ring for the next round of promotions to Sgt. He says there will be an opening for Sgt. come January in his district and by then I'll be ready. He has been badgering me to do this for the longest time but I've always been too busy and preoccupied to even consider it. But now I have decided to do so. The Reserves needs good, intelligent, thoughtful leadership like me and I need one of them pretty gold badges!

I Don't Care

I don't care about nothin' right now. I am tired. It is fucking freezing cold everywhere I go and that pisses me off. (I refused to stay at this one meeting I had this afternoon! It was so fucking cold b/c the asshole Yankees that curse us native Houstonians with their presence keep the a/c turned up so high, even when it's raining outside and it's no longer 105 degrees which makes it like 40 fucking miserable degrees INSIDE! I walked into the meeting room, signed in, felt the ridiculously cruel a/c, turned right around, went to my car and split, man!) Then a stupid idiot at work sent an email saying "now that Labor Day is passed, fall will soon be here..." Fuck that shit! I LOVE summer and hate the end of it! Ah, I'm in the total dumps. But I guess that's normal too since I have cramps on top of everything as well. I need some box wine and string cheese. Last night for dinner I had: box wine, string cheese, some Cheetos, and some Hershey's chocolate squares. If that isn't a PMS dinner, I don't know what is.

I am having to get a bunch of documents together for my case and I feel like I just went through this fucking shit, which I did, last year. I just want this to be over too. JFu and I were supposed to get together for dinner and drinks tomorrow night and she called today to say that her husband is out of town and can I come over to her house instead since now she has to watch her baby? NO!!! I wanted to go out and girltalk and drink and eat in a loud restaurant, not sit around someone's happy, domesticated, loving, boring home! Bring the kid with us, I told her but apparently there's all kinds of complications/considerations with that and it's some kind of ordeal. Lord.

I wish I had more friends I had more in common with, that like going to see live music, even during the damn work week, or the same movies I want to see, or explore the same places I want to explore. Yes this blog post is a total bitchfest today. Yet I know that soon this too shall pass. It always does! (It's probably mostly the cramps talking anyway... at least, I hope it is.)

Unmotivated

I can't feel motivated about much these days. Well, except for my new favorite nighttime diet of box wine and string cheese. I know it's just a mild depression due to all the goings-on of late. Divorce is, after all, the #1 Life Stressor, even before death! My friends are great and distract me often, but there are still lots of moments when it's just me alone with my thoughts and frankly, that is not the healthiest thing. Sometimes I get mad at myself for feeling low, as if it's a sign of weakness or something, but then I have to tell myself this is just the normal process of things.

And damn... it could be a HELL OF A LOT WORSE. I remember visiting my old BFF from college in Nebraska when she got divorced and she spent the whole weekend I was there crying and sobbing, even at unfortunate moments like when we'd be out to dinner! When I flew home my eyelid was twitching due to the stress of dealing with her. But my divorce is not stressing me out anywhere near as bad as it seems to do for some. I haven't even cried over this is over 2 weeks and can now talk about it calmly (if a bit angrily) without much passion or emotion.

But it's a shame I am suffering this kind of blah malaise, which I guess is just going to happen b/c my life is, in fact, SO much different now. There's definitely a major adjustment going on and sometimes yes, it freaks me out, especially at night when I'm alone at home. Fortunately, I enjoy and embrace change, but unfortunately, this change was never one I would've picked for myself.

People ask me about my film project and I don't even care about it for the time being! WTF!!! That does NOT sound like me at all, does it?! That film project is like, last in my list of priorities these days. Seriously... what's getting me through the days are my friends, the joy that is satellite radio, and box wine and string cheese!

Still, I have to admit, patrol on Sunday was fun. A dumbass stole a car, crashed it into a ditch, and took off running. No K-9 was available, so the foot chase was on! My partner told me to maintain a perimeter near this one corner of the woods though, so I missed out on all the fun. They caught him down by the river and the fight was on, in the water! The deputies were so pissed they kicked the shit out of him but he deserved it. They held his arms behind his back and took turns kneeing him in the face over and over. Heh heh. Sorry, that makes me laugh! The dispatcher asked his condition to see if we needed EMS. The deputies said, "He's got some scratches." Ha ha! Anyway, they brought him in and his face was dripping blood, he was missing teeth, had gashes all over his head... he deserved it. He kept trying to talk to me and we kept telling him to shut up! I even told him in Spanish. Dumbass!

Yesterday I was out on Lake Houston on one of the bigger (and slower) boats. It was all right, but mostly boring. I guess that's always a good thing, but I much prefer the action of street patrol, even if I did get to operate the boat most of the day. So I'm done with Marine division for this year and that's definitely a good thing.

A Saturday of R&R? For REAL?!

So tomorrow all I have on the agenda is a quick salon appt., R. coming over to watch the latest Project Runway, and I might go to the MFAH w/li'l bro to see Fellini's first movie that he made in color, Juliet of the Spirits. I expect tomorrow to be very relaxing and boy howdy, do I need it. Some craigslist dude might come over to buy and cart away the Total Gym 1000 workout bench that has been collecting dust in my master bedroom for a couple years. One guess on who bought that thing. Well, I paid for it, he bought it!

But Sunday will be a bear, as they say. I will go on patrol at 2 for a little while, then I will work the MDA Telethon that night. Monday I will report for duty with the Marine division, so there goes my holiday.

Today I worked from home and talked to J2 on the actual phone for quite awhile. I cannot WAIT to see her next year in Africa! I told my friend T. I wanted to ride a leopard, like in Harold and Kumar.

Had a dream last night that I gave S another chance and he came home; but in the dream I felt like I was still going through the motions and not buying it, and knew it wouldn't work out. It is still sad sometimes to be alone at home, but I know that is normal and that again, only time will take care of that. Today I was so glad and so happy and so grateful to not have to make that long, miserable fucking drive up north to pick up his child, b/c today would've been the day for me. Like I keep telling everyone: I've got my life back, my money back, and myself back.

Wastin' Away

It's still hard to eat. I just have no interest. I am not sure why this happens whenever I go through breakups. L. asked me what I thought was behind it: loss of general joie de vivre, or not feeling worthy of the happiness that eating brings, or... who knows. But my skinny pants are fitting much better these days! Another benefit of this latest breakup is that I cannot believe how good my skin looks!!! I am serious. These past few years dealing with S and his daughter and all the trauma and drama and hassle involved and ensuing financial misery really wreaked havoc on my skin and I had frequent breakout after breakout when I never really did before. But now I have noticed that in these past couple of weeks I am no longer having that problem--at all. The mental and physiological evidence continues to mount: I am so much better off without him!!!!!!

I have pretty much decided on an atty., finally. He gave me a pretty good price (he's an old musician friend-turned attorney). So I guess that's it. We will now proceed officially and I can't fucking wait! I am having trouble selling more crap on craigslist so I am just gonna empty out the savings accounts to pay current bills and my legal fees. I will build the accounts back up--easily!--when I am finally done with S for good!

At the meeting on Monday night the patrol Major pulled me out of my section meeting to talk to me about the situation. (Not sure how he found out although I bet S went whining and crying to his Lt., who happens to be married to the Major.) He just advised me to be careful to keep any ugliness out of the Reserves organization and also offered that he was available by phone if I needed to talk. I thought that was a very nice thing to offer. After the meeting I said jokingly to Mudflap that now he needed to choose who he would go to dinner with after the meeting, me or S. And of course, WE went out along with our other deputy friends! I even ate 1/2 my enchiladas.