Unmotivated

I can't feel motivated about much these days. Well, except for my new favorite nighttime diet of box wine and string cheese. I know it's just a mild depression due to all the goings-on of late. Divorce is, after all, the #1 Life Stressor, even before death! My friends are great and distract me often, but there are still lots of moments when it's just me alone with my thoughts and frankly, that is not the healthiest thing. Sometimes I get mad at myself for feeling low, as if it's a sign of weakness or something, but then I have to tell myself this is just the normal process of things.

And damn... it could be a HELL OF A LOT WORSE. I remember visiting my old BFF from college in Nebraska when she got divorced and she spent the whole weekend I was there crying and sobbing, even at unfortunate moments like when we'd be out to dinner! When I flew home my eyelid was twitching due to the stress of dealing with her. But my divorce is not stressing me out anywhere near as bad as it seems to do for some. I haven't even cried over this is over 2 weeks and can now talk about it calmly (if a bit angrily) without much passion or emotion.

But it's a shame I am suffering this kind of blah malaise, which I guess is just going to happen b/c my life is, in fact, SO much different now. There's definitely a major adjustment going on and sometimes yes, it freaks me out, especially at night when I'm alone at home. Fortunately, I enjoy and embrace change, but unfortunately, this change was never one I would've picked for myself.

People ask me about my film project and I don't even care about it for the time being! WTF!!! That does NOT sound like me at all, does it?! That film project is like, last in my list of priorities these days. Seriously... what's getting me through the days are my friends, the joy that is satellite radio, and box wine and string cheese!

Still, I have to admit, patrol on Sunday was fun. A dumbass stole a car, crashed it into a ditch, and took off running. No K-9 was available, so the foot chase was on! My partner told me to maintain a perimeter near this one corner of the woods though, so I missed out on all the fun. They caught him down by the river and the fight was on, in the water! The deputies were so pissed they kicked the shit out of him but he deserved it. They held his arms behind his back and took turns kneeing him in the face over and over. Heh heh. Sorry, that makes me laugh! The dispatcher asked his condition to see if we needed EMS. The deputies said, "He's got some scratches." Ha ha! Anyway, they brought him in and his face was dripping blood, he was missing teeth, had gashes all over his head... he deserved it. He kept trying to talk to me and we kept telling him to shut up! I even told him in Spanish. Dumbass!

Yesterday I was out on Lake Houston on one of the bigger (and slower) boats. It was all right, but mostly boring. I guess that's always a good thing, but I much prefer the action of street patrol, even if I did get to operate the boat most of the day. So I'm done with Marine division for this year and that's definitely a good thing.