The Doubt Needs to STOP!

Today I've been working on my health website at work and I was finding a bunch of websites for counselors, psychologists, etc. I was also considering finding a new therapist since I just don't have the energy to deal with my current one and her sister being in hospice. But then I was thinking of my 93-yr old grandfather and the depressing, shitty childhood he had and how he often had depression his whole life and how HE didn't go to no therapy, so what's my damn problem?!? Surely I can tough it out like he did, and save a bunch of $25 copays besides? Anyway, I was looking at a lot of therapists' websites and how a lot of them also do relationship/marriage counseling and it made me wonder if my marriage was still somehow salvageable??? Because the idea of divorce is SO distasteful to me and I hate every day that this is happening to me. But truthfully, I need to remember how hard I worked at this marriage and fucking killed myself these past 4 years working my ass off at all these damn jobs and making so much fucking $ to support him and his daughter, put him through school, pay for his $30,000 custody battle, pay for over a year of marriage counseling, and all I have to show for my efforts is a cool last name!!!!!!!!!!!! For real!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, there were so many things wrong with this relationship there really is nothing left to salvage. We ultimately had very little in common. We both had so much resentment built up against each other it would've taken years of individual psychotherapy PLUS marriage counseling to fix our attitudes towards each other--and we had neither the $ for this counseling plus he made it very clear he didn't have the time (or rather, want to spend the time). He was no longer the loving, caring individual that I needed (and thought I had) after we got married. He loved to bite, pinch, and squeeze me to the point of pain and annoyance on my part, and he did this every day, even if we were just sitting around the house. Once at our monthly Sheriff's meeting this year I gave him some money to buy a soft drink out of the vending machine, then a little while later I wanted a sip and there was very little left, but I drank some and when I gave it back to him, he was disgusted and said I could keep my "backwash"--and he said this in front of another deputy, which I found humiliating and hurtful. He always made time for activities HE wanted to do such as wrestling events and things that involved his daughter, but when I asked him to do so for me he rarely could, or if he did he made it very clear I was totally inconveniencing him and I would owe him later. When SSS made her film starring me and Mudflap as cops I asked S if I could borrow his wallet badge on a chain (that cost $40 and you can guess who paid for it) and he reluctantly said yes but that I would owe him. And the truth is that he hid a lot of things from me (secret female friends, money borrowed from his mother [also a legendary big fucking liar and obviously from where he learned it] and Mano, his whereabouts during the day) so he never was trustworthy from Day 1. And my big fucking mistake was always that I believed him, and believed in him.

So my sometime doubts about this marriage being a sham and my second-guessing throwing his ass out need to STOP. Everybody involved knows that I did enough work in this marriage for 5 fucking people, so I need to quit feeling like the failure here. It's hard to remember that though.