My Life is About to Change

Like... Big Time. I'll hafta do last weekend's recap continuation later.

Gig tonite w/Jon and Stefano. Tomorrow: rehearsal followed by live radio spot followed by evening gig. Sunday: to Pasadena to check on my mom followed by afternoon gig.

And tomorrow before rehearsal: A Huge Talk w/Stefano. It's killing me that I have to do this. He is the most wonderful man I've ever been with, the best boyfriend I ever could have dreamed up. And yet I still have to have the Talk with him. I'm going to be so sad. My heart is breaking over it. I don't want to have to do it, but I must. It's all about the future, which I've begun to contemplate again. And the likelihood that in all seriousness, perhaps Stefano and I do not actually have good odds for a future together.

It boils down to the one issue that's always been in the back of my mind anyway, and which he does know about, and that is my desire to have a family one day, most likely by adoption, and he has always been adament that he does not want children.

Of course, my friendship/relationship with Jon over the past month has indeed complicated things. And the death of my beloved Popo brought it all to a head anyway. Pondering the future seems to be part of the grieving process, or at least mine.

Tuesday night Jon invited me to dinner with him and his friends, and we had so much fun. It was 2 other couples and 1 baby. Afterwards Jon and I repaired to his place nearby and then Jon totally blew my mind. He said that he wants me, that he wants to have a relationship with me, that he thinks about me all the time, that he's developed real feelings for me, that this is all a surprise to him but he always has fun with me and he truly likes me a lot and cares for me deeply.

When he told me he wanted a relationship with me I said "You DO?!?!" truly surprised, myself. He said he wants me all to myself but that he doesn't want me to do anything for him, that whatever I do (i.e., w/Stefano) I need to do it b/c I want to do it. I said I had no words, and that I didn't know what to do. But I did tell him that I have the same strong feelings for him too and that I was going to have to think about how to proceed. I did mention the issue I have w/Stefano, about the adoption/family thing, and to my intense surprise, Jon took my chin in his hand, lifted my eyes to his, and said "Adela, I would love to have a baby with you." And I tell you what... ain't nobody EVER said that to me before.

We went to a movie premiere together at the museum on Weds. night, followed by the blues jam, which Stefano also attended. Last night I went to Jon's to spend the night and talk about my decision and my and Jon's future together. He kept looking into my eyes and saying how he's finally found me and I make him so happy and he feels safe with me and we have no walls up with each other and how happy we'd be together. I said that I decided that I wanted to give us a shot. And that I would be having the talk with Stefano this weekend.

As I stated before, I'm absolutely miserable that it's come to this. I didn't expect things w/Jon to force the issue, although I have thought about it a couple of times over this past year. My only consolation is that I do believe Jon and what he's saying to me. And I do think he deserves to have his shot with me. But he's got a lot to live up to. He's got big shoes to fill, the biggest.

Here we go.