My feet are cold, dude. I have my heater blowing on them here in my office. It's 50 degrees outside. I had planned on going for a run last night before the cold front hit today but I wasn't able to b/c after Job #2 I had to run back by Job #1 to meet li'l bro for a minute and by then it was raining and dark and I knew there would be no one in the park near my house and for safety's sake (OTHER people's safety!) I figured it would be better to just swing by the grocery store for fruit and my peanut candy, go home, rest, eat Superbowl leftover steak that Stefano had sent home w/me, and tidy up my house (dishes, laundry, etc). It's gonna be this cold through the weekend, too. Boooooo! I want to try to go for a run tonight b/c I am still feeling like I'd like to detox a little from this weekend, all that boozing and eating good food w/Stefano.
In good news, I did find lots of my beloved peanut candy at the store last night, yay! I stocked up since Lent begins next week and I am giving up "chocolate" since giving up "sweets" last year was a colossal failure--too many birthday parties and such! "Chocolate" should be manageable even though it will still kill me. In fabulous news, Stefano is taking me to this restaurant on Sunday for V-day! He threw 3 restaurant ideas at me and I picked this one b/c it sounded like the most fun, also the 6-lb. lobsters sold me completely! Today he said he told his dad he was taking me there and his dad said, "Wow, you must REALLY like her!" Which he does of course! In fact, Stefano told me in a roundabout way this past weekend that he loves me, which totally touched me to the core of my heart. I wish I could say it back b/c he deserves it, but he also knows that I am still very vulnerable and wounded and trying to heal. I know he's patient and incredibly wonderful and if he keeps doing everything he's doing eventually he WILL get it said back to him!
I was puttering around my house last night, doing a bunch of stuff and I suddenly felt that wave of sadness/regret/loneliness that hits me when I am home alone more often than makes sense to hit me, frankly. I wanted to call Stefano but I never want to call him say, after 8pm b/c I suspect he's already getting ready for bed. And I couldn't drink any wine b/c I didn't go for my run and didn't want to waste the calories and also was still detoxing a little from the weekend anyway. I wish I would go ahead and complete the healing process but I don't know what to do more than I'm already doing. I guess I just need for this fucking divorce to be OVER already so I can feel at peace b/c I don't. I'm pissed every month when I have to pay that goddamn credit card bill of HIS fucking custody battle. I'm angry when I see all his shit still leftover in my house. I want to not be scared to tell Stefano--or anyone--I love them. SHIT SHIT SHIT.
So I have tonight and tomorrow night to get through still. I do want to go for a run tonight so that'll take up a bulk of the evening. Wednesday hopefully will be ok. Thursday is rehearsal even though I want to take this week off but I still need to get paid from Leo and I need that money. Friday I am going out w/li'l bro and then I hit the ground totally running all weekend long and nights will be spent in Stefano's adorable arms. Just gotta get through this week...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment