50 Bucks Richer But Still Burned Out

I had a decent gig last night although it was really hard to hear much based on the way we were situated. I might just have to get used to it, and that's ok b/c I'm a professional. Jimmy recruited that bad drummer we had first rehearsed with to tickle the ivories with us, so we played as a 3-piece and Jimmy handled guitar, harmonica and kick drum. We played from about 10:45-12:15 so I didn't get home until 1 am and now I'm at Job #2, probably about to be hit with extreme exhaustion right after lunch. But Jimmy paid me $50, true to his word, and I really appreciate the $. He gave me the money from the tip jar, consisting of 1 $10, 2 $5's, and the rest in a big comical stack of $1's. I felt like a stripper and hoped S would really believe I was out playing music! My wallet is amusingly fat today, and I even left S and the baby 10 $1's so they could go see Ratatouille on me today.

I think I had an epiphany yesterday. I realized that for about the past year or so, I have had the attitude at Job #1, and lately even Job #2, of just wanting to show up, do the absolute minimum, get my paycheck and go home. [So maybe psycho library director bitch is right.] And while I don't necessarily have that attitude with my other paying jobs, such as teaching skin care classes and now gigging with Jimmy, at times I do feel like I'm just "phoning it in." (God forbid I ever feel this way with the Sheriff's Dept.; if I ever do I'm going to just have to quit b/c attitudes like this can get you and other people killed.) I know my work is good but there's something wrong going on in terms of me not having much enthusiasm anymore, and I'm trying to figure it out. I think I'm just becoming burned out on work and all these jobs and not having enough fun. I definitely believe a vacation would do me some good, or even a leave of absence from Job #1, especially. B/c while sending off my resume to another librarian job opening this week, I was a little dismayed to realize I felt no excitement, no enthusiasm at the possibility of making a big change, learning a new job, etc., when in the past I've always been excited by big changes.

However, the possibility of my taking a vacation anytime soon is nil to none, due to finances and my storing my vacation time for teaching skin care classes and court. Plus, I really wouldn't want to go anywhere without S and what with his starting his new job this week that ain't happening anytime soon either. I know for a fact I'm just TIRED. I'm tired of working all these jobs (although I like the $) and I'm tired of all these constant pressures being forced upon me by everyone in my life. Even the Sheriff's Dept., which is generally a fun release for me, is frustrating me b/c I hear comments all the time like "When are you going to go for first man/one man/Sgt.?" People, please, I can barely make my minimum required hours per month, and didn't even do it in June!!!

And while I truly appreciated S's ability, now with his new job, to be able to meet me yesterday afternoon so we could go pick up the baby together and take the HOV lane and avoid paying $2.50 on toll fees, we finally had a chance to talk and I had to hear him say how this new job is really tough on him and his body. He also found out yesterday that they decided not to pay him hourly while he's in training--like they promised!!!--and instead are going to pay him and everyone else by piece which is totally unfair when you're in training and still learning how to assemble pieces!!! But I am also tired of trying to help him figure out what he's going to do for a real career. I told him he just needs to figure it out and I'll do all I can to support him. He did promise to consider signing up for a local Police Academy though, in the same town where I work at Job #2. The money would be sooooo good, so much so that I might actually be able to quit some of my jobs! [Discussion for another blog post on another time: although someday I might be able to quit some of my jobs, would I really want to, based on all the extra $ I make? Have I reached the point where all this working is a way of life I've become accustomed to, and can't imagine my life any other way?]

Take Job #2, for example. On Thursday night, I simply did not feel like driving down here and working. I wanted to go home. But S told me, "Just play on the Internet, you'll be all right." And it's true, I get paid well to sit here, surf the Internet, read my email, post in my blog, and occasionally answer questions. It's not a bad gig, as far as gigs go! But I think the term is synergy, where the sum of all the little parts add up to create something overwhelmingly more. And that's how I feel these days: overwhelmed. Burned-out. And something's gotta give here soon, somehow.

At least S gets to take care of the baby today, which is a wonderful thing for all of us. I made him take her to storytime this a.m. We went to eat at Black Eyed Pea last night and none of us finished our meals. S and I are still not recovered completely from that stomach ailment, but I'm actually seeing the positives involved, such as not being able to eat as much which is a good thing! Getting 2 meals out of 1 will definitely help us financially and in terms of waist-size! And next Sat. we will have her again and it will be the 1st weekend in over a year that the 3 of us will spend an entire weekend together as a family.