Ahhhh... Fridays...

Fridays are such bliss. I've got The Whole Weekend ahead of me. I can sleep in both tomorrow and Sunday, a rare treat. I'm gonna try to catch up on my reading. I'm gonna drink some box wine tonight! (Yes, that box has lasted over 3 weeks, or maybe a month?!?) S, while having been acting like a sacapunta (literally "pencil-sharpener" but also means big time asshole if you're a guy and sawed-off bitch if you're a girl, or at least that's my interpretation) for most of this week, finally decided to try and be nice today. So peace is back in our home for the time being. Tomorrow is Auntie R.'s homewarming which should be very down-home and fun. I am DONE with patrol for awhile, since I went last night from 10pm-3:30am and as usual, I was crime-repellent so the other deputies got to also enjoy a quiet night on the streets.

Cinéma vérité? B.S.!

I'm feeling a little bummed out about things lately, re: the film. Something in one of these many filmmaking books I'm reading stuck with me: that there can never be cinéma vérité. We documentary filmmakers ruin the vérité just by being there and filming. And based on the interview footage I got this past weekend, I realize very glumly how true that is. DAMMIT!!! Everyone is SO worried about saying the right damn things. Shit. Maybe I just need to finish watching all the footage from the weekend--I've watched about 75% of it. I'll feel better once I find the rest of the documentary gold I'm looking for.

We had our monthly Reserves meeting last night and our recently fired Asst. Chief was there with his wife, a Sgt. I thought that was a big Fuck You to the Chief. After the meeting I gave them both big hugs and teared up a little b/c I am going to miss him so much (already do). The Sgt. whispered to me when her husband wasn't paying attention that my email to him meant a lot to him and that she thought it was the sweetest email he'd gotten.

Sweaty Shoot

Thus ends the long, hot, sweaty yet productive weekend shoot. My film crew and I (consisting of my adventurous Director of Photography brother and able Production Assistant, Auntie R.) were out all weekend long. Friday evening was the filming of the Reserves Warrants Team. Saturday morning was the traffic stop scene of Dep. Mudflap and me in my Alfred Hitchcock cameo. Then was the Reserves Marine Division and because it's MY film and I'm totally biased and nepotistic, an interview with S. The final shot of Saturday was the interview with my Sgt. friend inside his patrol car.

Today was firearms training day with the cadets, all day. However we only had time to do 3 of the 5 interviews which means I'll have to return on another weekend when they are doing other kinds of training. Shooting this weekend took place mostly outside in the hot sun so I would not have to worry about lights (since my ex-employee, pater familias, was the one with the light kit and the lighting knowledge). I did my best this weekend to make sure audio would not be as problematic as it was on the trailer shoot. And I have lots and lots of production stills to share as soon as I can muster up the energy to get them off the CD that Auntie R. was kind enough to produce for the effort and post them to the Facebook page!

Tomorrow I am off from work so I will try to post the pic's and do some more logging work on the tapes. But I also have Job #2 in the afternoon, a car leaking radiator fluid, and our monthly Sheriff's meeting tomorrow night. So one thing I am definitely gonna do tonight is get some damn sleep and man, do I deserve it!

To Quote Taj Mahal:

"Everybody sometimes have the blues." Oh man, I was seriously considering having a panic attack or nervous breakdown today. Fortunately I was in my office at Job #1 and was able to suffer quietly and privately. First the ugly family drama situation is still going on and still torturing me. That's enough for now, frankly. Then a glitch appeared for my upcoming weekend shoot, but since I am the forger-aheader, I made several phone calls to try to arrange different options that might work; still waiting to see what the best option will be. BUT THEN! KABOOM. A bomb dropped. An email came through from "up above" saying that our Assistant Chief--#2 in the whole command--who has been in the Reserves for 18 years and BY THE WAY, is one of the major stars of my documentary and gave the most beautiful, emotional statements in the trailer, is now GONE. Separated. Departed. The end of him. From the Reserves, anyway!

Lots of phone calls ensued. Me and Mudflap. Me and the Chief. Me and another star of my film. Me and yet another star of my film. Me and one of the Majors who will now have to replace the Asst. Chief in Friday night's upcoming shoot. "What do you think happened?" "I don't know! How can we find out?" "You think he got into it with someone?" "How can this happen?" And while I was not surprised that the Chief ordered me to remove all existing footage of the Asst. Chief from my trailer and everything else, that was like a knife in my heart b/c I and everybody else truly love and adore the Asst. Chief and NOW WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO and incidentally, I spent hours and hours working on that damn trailer and hours transcribing his interview. For nothing, now! And like I said, he made the most touching statements of all and it was gold, documentary gold, the things I got him to say. FUCK!!! So much for my trailer now. I need a whole new trailer and I have no idea how I'm gonna get one.

So it's a good thing I just watched Burden of Dreams; even my mom reminded me what Werner Herzog had to go through. Four years! The Amazon jungle! People dying! Death threats! And the nightmare that is Klaus Kinski! So I can deal with this and it certainly won't make for a good chapter in my future autobiography ("The Book and the Badge" hee hee hee) if the story of my documentary goes completely smoothly and with no drama/troubles/tragedy/mayhem. My heart still hurts today, though. But this too shall pass.

Traumatized But Healing Quickly

'Cause that's how I get down. I was going to return to work today but then my cousin called me yesterday and our phone call deteriorated into an angry, tearful shouting match; therefore I was further traumatized and emotionally too wounded to do much of anything today. Little things kept making me cry. However today I'm feeling stronger and invigorated by the upcoming weekend shoot. I found a camera, a Canon XH-A1 that shoots in HD (if I want, I guess) for 1/2 the price of what the last company I got the camera from was charging.

It also helped that I was able to sleep some these past couple nights (except for when I woke up in the middle of the night and then couldn't go back to sleep due to all the PTSD) and also bought a chocolate cream pie. That along with the box wine (3 glasses on Monday) served as good therapy, if hell on my months-long quest to lose 5 lbs. But I'll return to work tomorrow, ready to dive back into things.

I Saw Some Horrible Things This Weekend

1. A bloodied dead body lying in the middle of the feeder road (during my patrol shift last night)
2. Numerous 300-lb. black and Hispanic girls squeezed into tight ass clothes at the 18-and-over club (")
3. An uncomfortable teary tense moment between a couple I didn't even know at lunch on Friday
4. Awful celebrity tv shows on the "E" channel

...but I am totally traumatized, disturbed and appalled today by the horrifying family drama that I had to deal with today. Let's put it this way: I am going to have to take a mental health day from work tomorrow in order to recover. And that's even after going for comedy therapy with my brother today to see Bruno. I may have to go see The Hangover tomorrow too and I am not even sure that will help. I may have to take another day off on Tuesday. We'll see.

2 Drinks Today

Whoops. In a whirlwind fit of birthday celebration giddiness it seems that somehow I have allowed 2 alcoholic drinks to enter my system today, and it's only 2:33 pm and I'm here at Job #1! Oh well, if this were Europe it'd be totally acceptable. And if this were Mexico again it wouldn't matter b/c I'd be at home, enjoying my siesta. Today is S. S-S's b-day and we began the morning at 9am at one of our local friendly neighborhood gay bars where I had a "Madras", or vodka/cranberry/orange juice. Chased by a kolache. Then I came to work for a couple of hours. Lunch found us all celebrating S.'s birthday at Rudz where I had the beer/burger special accompanied by the Nuts and Bolts fried appetizer delicacy. It's Friday!!!

In documentary latest, I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that last night I called the widow of my fallen cadet brother to try and set up her interview--which she'd already agreed to--for next weekend's shoot. She told me however that after speaking with her dead husband's family she can no longer participate in the film b/c they have forbade her to do so. I was shocked, confused, offended. She offered to have his eldest brother call me to voice his concerns/questions, but somehow I am a little skeptical about receiving that phone call... not sure why, I just got that feeling. I told her, very respectfully, that I am still dedicating the film to her husband and that we are still discussing him in it. And I didn't tell her this next part, but I guess if I will not get her cooperation I may have to use the one photo of him that I have that belongs to the Sheriff's Ofc. instead of a very nice one of him I have from his funeral program (his family may not allow me to use it for all I know, now).

The good news is that last night I went to the Academy to ask my final 4 cadet candidates if they will be in the film. First I worked out with them in the hot parking lot, good-naturedly doing everything they did, sit-ups, push-ups, squat thrusts, etc. Then the deadly Sgt. S showed up and we ran them through some defensive tactics drills. One cadet had a hurt knee so his partner couldn't use him, so I volunteered to hold the pad against my common peroneal and let the cadet kick me over and over again--BOTH sides. He really let me have it too! I was aching but manned up and took it--'cuz I AM The Man! Today I am pretty sore and surprised I'm not all black and blue up and down my thighs. But when the class took its 1st break and I asked the 4 cadets to come and talk to me and explained about the documentary and asked them to be in it, they all agreed!!! I suggested they talk to their families about it and get back to me officially after that and I would send them the interview questions and the release forms. They said they were flattered. I hope none of them change their minds b/c I gotta shoot next weekend!!!

Weekends: Painfully Short

WHY do Mondays come so damn quickly?!?! Ugh. Last night was fun though. I got me a box of wine ("Boxwine" is a great name for a band or film production company, btw) that will last me all week. I had some by the pool yesterday and later, broke out the wine glasses. Me and the baby mostly relaxed all day except for grocery shopping, light housekeeping, and visiting J. Fu and her new baby, who is a very good baby indeed with NO crying or fussing while we were there! My baby and I took J. Fu's dog for a walk which the baby and dog both enjoyed. I didn't get around to going to the library or watching Burden of Dreams or tackling any more of my transcription work, but after 3 glasses of wine I didn't care much. And I slept GREAT last night!

So Friday was very cool as well. Even S came with me and the baby (though they skipped out for some of it to go to Wendy's, exasperated sigh!). I got to meet the great Sam Pollard and I felt a little silly introducing myself as "first-time filmmaker." But he was very gracious and we watched, or in my case, re-watched Act 3 of When the Levees Broke. Afterwards during Q&A I asked a brilliant, sublime and eloquent question about how Spike's movies always use music so amazingly and effectively and how involved Sam Pollard was in the music choices and how the music affected his editing choices, etc. B/c music is certainly affecting me very strongly in the ways I am planning out my movie!

The Saturday high school all-school reunion thing was ok except they lost my trailer DVD and I had to run to the car and get my last copy so they could show it as was scheduled to be shown on the program! This makes me a little nervous as that means there's a copy of my trailer floating around out there somewhere and I do not like the idea of that. Also now I only have 1 copy to my name. But anyway, when they showed it there were about 75 people in the room and everyone applauded and one lady in the front row shouted out, "It's brilliant!" which was very, very sweet! After that I ate my meal and then me, S and the baby split since there was really no one there that I knew. It seemed to be mostly grad's from the 70's and 80's, man!

Today the baby went to her first day of arts camp and that seemed to go well. She said she wanted to go back tomorrow, which is a good sign--but apparently she does not like the food. The City provides the lunches for the kids and the baby said it was a sandwich with meat, no chips or any fruit, and some kind of juice she didn't like. Gads, I hate picky eaters!!! When my brother and I were kids we pretty much liked anything except for Chinese food and vegetables. And of course today, my cast-iron stomach is legendary. But I guess we may have to send her with her own damn lunch from now on for cryin' out loud. I guess maybe I was being naive to expect decent food from the City anyway.

The Next 3 Days

will go something like this (I hope!):

Tomorrow: day off from Job #1! Gotta take the car to get inspected and have the a/c checked out. Then I want to spend some quality time in and around the pool. Job #2 in the afternoon and then a groovy evening film workshop with Sam Pollard!!! I cannot WAIT to discuss Part 2 of When The Levees Broke, which he did with Spike! Ooh-wee! (the baby will be with me for all of this, btw.)

Saturday!: dropping off the baby early in the morn at her uncle, my bro's place so they can go to the Aquarium (one of her favorite places on the planet apparently) and I can go to the annual High-spanic Health Coalition board retreat from 9-2. That evening will then find us (me, S, and baby) at my high school's all-school reunion/Happening. Frankly, the only reason I'm going is b/c they have agreed to let me show my trailer, and Ninfa's Original is catering. Otherwise I am going to know very few people there; only 1 other person from my class will be there according to the RSVP list. I did talk one of my coworkers at Job #1 into going (she graduated 8 yrs before I), so that'll be cool I guess--if she even has time to talk to me!

Sunday: S has been forced to go on patrol so I want to take the baby to JFu's house so we can see her baby boy, Lucas Eric, who was born on Monday! At some point this weekend I need to do some more transcription work on my doc and as always, there is tons of reading to do. I'd love to run by the library and get in some pool time on Sunday as well. God, just thinking about my weekends make me tired sometimes, before they even get here.

July Motherhood Time

That's what this month is for me. I am just glad the baby is getting to be more self-sufficient so she can now do things like dress herself, brush her own hair, entertain herself on the computer, get her own cereal, turn on her own tv, read easy books herself, etc. etc. HOWEVER--I am a little torn between being glad she's not so much of a handful and also fearing that I may be saddened in just a few more short years when she is even more independent and will need us less and less and less. I don't know, it's hard to gauge how I might feel as thing progress! But my mom said the other day that I need to cuddle her as much as possible now, when she still enjoys cudding with us. I know my friend A. lamented on Facebook recently that his kids--1 of whom is the baby's exact age--are getting too big to cuddle and reject their dad's attempts--but they're boys so that's to be expected I suppose. The baby still loves to cuddle with us, sit on our laps, and have our arms around her all the time.

She's been coming to work with me yesterday, today and tomorrow, then next week she starts 2 weeks of arts camp that I suggested to S we put her in. She will have percussion instrument playing in the morning and poetry writing in the afternoon!

A Time to Relax

So yesterday was the 4th of July and I celebrated by staying in the whole entire day and loving every damn minute of it!!! I had the day off Friday too and all I did on that day was finish putting up the window film in our bedroom (with the baby's help--she was in charge of spraying the application spray), go grocery shopping, do laundry, and later spent some time in our Bahamian-warm swimming pool with S, Auntie R. and Uncle T. Bliss.

I just could not excited about trying to do anything yesterday. On Friday night S and I got a wild hair when telling the baby about SeaWorld (we allowed her to watch the entire Jaws series and SeaWorld is the setting for Jaws 3: 3D!) and thought we might just have to take an overnight trip to SeaWorld in San Antonio. But when I got online and saw the ticket prices and nearly had a heart attack ($50 BIG BUCKS EACH!!!) we put the kibosh on that crazy idea! We'll go next year when we're out of debt and wealthy!

So yesterday the baby, who is with us for the entire month of July, and I relaxed around the house all day long while S was at work and it was so wonderful to not have to be anywhere at any time. Later Ma and F. came over and relaxed with us. And I had gotten the big talk over with my dad earlier that day; surprisingly he took it quite well with no yelling, cussing, or any other drama. He just calmly told me that I was wrong if I felt he was naysaying me or didn't believe in me and I just calmly replied that I had to do what was best for me in order for me to be able to work on and complete this film project. But after we hung up instead of feeling free and relieved I just felt sad b/c I'm going to miss him calling me up and excitedly telling me I needed to see this film or that film or read this book or that book, and I'm going to miss his emails suggesting this website or that website. It breaks my heart that he always has to FUCK THINGS UP for himself and the people that care about him and I just don't understand why he can't be strong enough to overcome whatever it is that he has in his past that won't allow him to be a happy, content, successful functioning person in society--not that that's the be-all/end-all to the American Dream or anything, but I mean, no matter how you look at it it can't be good for you or your psyche or your well-being no matter how you define it, to be constantly on the scrounge for a place to sleep or a paycheck or a hot meal or a cold beer, which is how he's spent most of his life!!! It just sucks to have to see, is all I'm saying. But whatever, que sera` sera`!

I went to an interesting workshop last Tuesday night that SWAMP put on with a guy from DiscMakers presenting. We all got to stand up before and say who we are and what project we're working on. It really is exciting to be a filmmaker in Houston--there's so many projects going on at all times! I still always feel a little out of place at these things though, but there's so many other events coming up that I really want to go to! Unfortunately if I run into my dad at any of these things I will feel sad and uneasy, and as far as the next documentary idea that we had been discussing, well I guess that's not going to happen either. Such a damn shame.