Misery and Glee

Being here at home alone is sad. I thought I had a family of my own to share it with. Yet I know that I'll feel very comfortable and happy here again, it's just gonna take time. I wish I could already be on the other side but of course you can never rush that.

But the thing I keep coming back to is how much more money I'm gonna have from now on to do all kinds of fun stuff and go on all kinds of great adventures and do a lot of wonderful things for myself. I'm already planning a trip to San Antonio this Saturday to party with Tito J. and other friends. Bean called and we will do some kind of trip together in the fall, perhaps to Denton. (Bean said, "There's this reception that's kind of expensive so maybe we won't go to that." I asked "How much?" Bean said, "Probably $30." Me: "SHIT! I'll buy your ticket for you! Let's do it!" I could never afford that before this week!) Also, Brandon is ready to do the Savannah trip that I've been dying to do for the past 13 years!

Yet I can barely force myself to be gathering the things here that belong to S and his daughter so he can pack it all up on Saturday. I still have a lot of anger and resentment towards the con game he pulled on me but at times, of course my heart will soften for just a minute if certain fleeting thoughts flutter in and out and then I'll get pissed off at myself for letting myself be vulnerable to such self-indulgent bullshit. Yes--I am BITTER.

And yet, it's fun to imagine all the things I can do now: buy new sheets, buy new lamps, buy new bathmats, do a little painting (or spray painting), redo the carpet upstairs, pay cash for my next car, open the Roth IRA I've been wanting to do, etc. etc.! Buying a new gun!!! But I NEVER could do these things b/c HE COST ME SO MUCH MONEY. There are SO many possibilities for me now and I've got MYSELF back and MY life back.

But there's a whole bunch of stuff that still makes my heart break--however I still keep going to back to the overwhelming feeling of being so fucking pissed at the 4 1/2 years I wasted on him. I did see "our" counselor tonight and I am going to continue seeing her so she can help me through this.

Oh My God! I am SOOOOOOOOOOO looking forward to not having to drive all the way up north to deal with his child anymore--picking her up from school, dropping her off on Sundays, fighting with the school to keep us informed. Jesus, that always stressed me out SO much!!! That long, horrible, traffic-filled drive, the wear and tear on my car and psyche, the valuable time that was MINE that was lost! That alone is such a weight lifted off of me. (And do I really need to mention how much joy the fact that I will NEVER see the whore and dickhead again has brought me??? That alone has bought me lots of shiny, happy, good mental health points!)

So I've already cleaned out my car of S and his child's stuff. I got the upstairs bathroom ready to go with a pile of their stuff too and in the morning I'm changing the locks. I spoke to an attorney tonight and need to call another one in the morning and I have been advised that if S will agree to the annulment and sign whatever I ask him to sign so that can be facilitated, it will be much cheaper and easier on everyone. S sent 1 text to say he will bring a truck on Saturday to get all his shit. I'm trying to get li'l bro to come over and stay with me while that's going on. S still is not talking to me but continues to ignore me and hide behind texts and emails like the big pussy he's always been. I want to attempt to sell the wedding ring asap. I want this done and over with so bad, I wish the damn papers could've been filed on Monday.