Sigh. Big Girl Panty Time

So I decided last night to fire my dad. I decided this while driving to the marriage counselor's office, and since S couldn't make it after all I just turned the session into my own private bitchfest. (Hey, it's through MY insurance.) The therapist said that since my dad is an addict, addicts by definition make no sense and that anything he threw my way was not ever to be taken personally. Sure, I know that intellectually... but though I do believe 100% in myself and am totally confident that I can make the film I have the vision for, since I am a brand new filmmaker I still have doubts and insecurities about technical aspects and that is where my dad is aiming his blows at me. See, on the trailer shoot, I would start a thought about something and my dad would finish it for me, usually to my great agreement and satisfaction. So while firing him would free me up to be, well, free and not so oppressed and in fear of the next snide remark he might make or exasperated eye roll, now I'm gonna have to finish those thoughts on the technical side of things all by myself. And that frightens me a little b/c I just don't know enough about that stuff.

For example, interior lighting. I think I can get away with doing the whole entire shoot with just 1-2 lights and I did observe my dad carefully when he set up the lights during the trailer shoot. I took away a few valuable lessons, like when my brother did the B-roll shots of the Lt.'s kids playing in her living room, and how we did not have nearly enough light and we should've turned on all the lights in the room for that. Lesson learned: more lights are always better!!! So I'm learning. But I'm still very insecure. And now I have no idea how I'm gonna get a 2nd camera for the July shoot. Well, if I gotta pay $175 to rent it then I gotta put on my big girl panties and pay $175. And it'll just have to be worth it b/c I will be breathing easier and having 100% fun on the shoot without my dad there.

I've decided to wait until Monday to see if this other Reserve Deputy would like to work on the project, officially. Monday is when we have our next monthly meeting and I haven't even met this guy in person yet, so I figure I'll chat him up, suss him out, and then when the time is right offer him the job--with pay, of course. I was gonna pay my dad, I'll just pay this guy instead. And this guy seems like he would be willing to work on spec until I get the cash too.

As I told my therapist, it's just a shame. My dad needs money. I wanted and needed my dad on this project. The trailer shoot went so incredibly well, a few verbal digs at me before and after aside. I was looking forward to making this a family production and it was gonna make me so proud to be able to do that. And now my dad is shooting himself in the foot by giving me a hard time and alienating me and making me want to fire him and it makes no sense as this is not in HIS best interest. But then, he never did make much sense and he has always done very little in his best interest, his whole life.

Besides deciding to get rid of the negativity on my film shoot, I made a couple of other headways yesterday and today: my public librarian friend scanned and sent me the original news articles from 1978 and 1979 on the 2 Reserve deputies' deaths! I even got the obit on one of them! And this morning I got a call from the director himself of the National Reserve Law Officers Association and he said absolutely I can use a certain image and quote they have on their homepage that I am dying to use. He also said when my film website is ready to go send him the link and they'll link to me! This is just about enough to cheer me up today, I swear.