Saturday Quotes

I was reading Money magazine, as I frequently do at Job #2, and this quote got to me:
"It takes just as much energy to wish as it does to plan." --Eleanor Roosevelt.

Then I told my friend here one of my basic life philosophies which is, "Never take advice from anyone with whom you would not trade places." That blew her mind and she thanked me for the saying and said she was going to start going by it too.

Anyway, back to Eleanor. I couldn't agree more! Everyone that knows me knows my style is to plan. And I do it systematically, piece by piece, bit by bit, action item by action item. I know people who are like that Matt Groening comic, the types of boyfriends, and the ne'er do well boyfriend who is relaxing on the couch saying, "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but..." Well, that kind of talk ain't gonna get you nowhere, and I don't know why people don't know that. (Well, yes I do--laziness, sense of entitlement, and lack of vision for starters.)

This was was a Long. Busy. Week. On Thursday night S and I met Mudflap for dinner, and then I had to get home to get changed for my gig. But I was so tired I couldn't get off the couch and figured since we were going to be the 3rd act of the night, I didn't really have to get to the gig until 10-ish. The 1st act was supposed to play from 9:30-1o, the 2nd act from 10-11, and we were going on at 11. So after lying down with S on the couch for awhile, I finally left and got to the gig at about 10:20-ish. AND THE FIRST ACT HADN'T EVEN GONE ON YET. Oh, man. This is what I hate about show business. Any guilt I felt about charging Jimmy my $50 fee went flying right out the door thanks to this inconvenience, so I guess that's good.

Still, M. and her friend and my li'l bro were in attendance and we had fun visiting. The gig went well for the most part and we sounded more like a real band than ever, having 2 guitars, drums, keyboard, and of course me on bass. A local musician whom I have always admired and have gigged with in the past was there and he complimented me on my "yeoman" performance. And as a nice bonus, on Sept. 1 Houston's No Indoor Smoking Ban had gone into effect so it was a smoke-free gig! I LOVED coming home and not reeking!!!

And S and I definitely did not need the aggravation of last night. To make an extremely long, ridiculous story short, S was sent to work at a northern location so we decided he would go pick up the baby w/out me so I wouldn't have to make the drive north to meet him and also, have time to go grocery shopping since I haven't been able to do that in way too long. However, S told me that the whore and baby were not at the court-ordered designated pickup spot so I texted her that we were letting our attorney know we were not getting our court-ordered visitation weekend. Then I emailed our atty. and copied the amicus to let them know. After much bullshit texting and aggravation, the whore offered to meet us somewhere to drop off the baby and I texted her that she could bring her old, saggy fat ass all the way down to Houston to our house!!! In the end we just met her at the Taco Bell near our house--at 9 fucking pm!

The other reason I was so tired this week is that after rehearsal on Wed. night when I got home S and I ended up having a long talk into the night, about our lives and the court case and philosophy and attitudes and other things. He and I are both trying to make some attitude adjustments about a lot of things, b/c life is honestly what you make it out to be. And lately I've been going through life so fast I've forgotten about that. But I've been doing some more planning lately, or different kind of planning, and that has calmed me down a little. For example, I have a plan to send S to school next year. I have a plan to up our savings amounts, which definitely helps me sleep at night. I'm trying to think beyond my immediate concerns, such as winning this court battle and trying to make as much $ as possible, to life past all of this and what it should be like once we make it through to the other side. I'm beginning to wonder if letting all this emotion and angst and impatience and anger and disgust and hate is going to destroy me, or at least part of me, irreparably so that I can't enjoy my life later on when I am done with all of this madness.

I was reading an article recently where, I think it was Bill Clinton, was talking about how he was talking to Nelson Mandela and he asked him if he still felt hatred towards the South African government. Mandela said he didn't, b/c if he still allowed himself to feel hatred towards them, then they would still have him imprisoned. And to let go of that hate meant freedom for himself. I've discussed this before, back when I was reading Dominick Dunne's book, and how he had to let go of the hatred he felt for the man who killed his daughter. And I wish I could be like Nelson Mandela, and just let all this hate I feel go. S pretty much convinced me to finally get rid of the hate I feel towards his mother and his sisters the other night. And I do think it's time to just forget about them, and just live my life as though they simply don't exist. So I'm almost there with that project. And I'm almost there with the hate I feel towards L.'s ex-husband, who is a wife-beating pothead lying retard loser. [Ironically and incredibly, it was he who once gave me some really good advice when I was discussing the whore with him; he told me I shouldn't let certain people rent space in my head for free! How freakin' wise is that??? Out of the mouths of idiots, man! Out of the mouths of fucking idiots!!!]

I can't help but wonder if I've come to a major turning point in my life in terms of taking a giant step forward when it comes to maturing a little bit, and finding some inner peace and grace. But I'm gonna try to take this step b/c I really have nothing to lose at this point. I used to think that hatred was a good motivator for me b/c it helped me not let my guard down. I thought the hate I felt was a tool I could use as a weapon. But maybe I can turn this hatred into something else instead. Nope, not love, I am still not capable of being that Christ-like. Not forgiveness either, demons like the whore deserve no mercy or forgiveness. Pity might be one I could live with. God's going to have to help me with this though. Big project. Church tomorrow should do me some good. It always does.