Parenthood

While at I-Fest on Saturday, I ran into 2 friends of mine that I haven't seen in a really long time. They asked me, "What's it like being a mom?" I said, "It's a lot of work. But great." But man, the work part of it really kept me and S busy this weekend.

S and I had to have a very serious discussion about parenting on Friday night. It was a long night. S was really tired and had had the hell-day at work, had picked up the baby for me for the first time ever, had to take her back to work with him, and they got home around 8:30 pm. We played with her for a little while, but then I told S he had to put her to bed and this time, with no movies or cartoons playing like he always does. I told him we need to be getting her used to not going to sleep watching movies at our house since this fall she will start Kindergarten. This is a bad habit that S lets her do, and I've allowed it so far only b/c we only see her on the weekends and this is some time at night that we can spend with her, watching movies together. But I don't like the fact that she stays up until midnight, 1 am sometimes, watching movies. 3, 4, 5 year olds do not need to be doing this! And if we are about to get primary custody of her next month, like I believe we will, then I want us to start giving her a glimpse of what life is really going to be like with us, and how it's not going to be party-time all the time like it's been, mostly.

Well, she wouldn't stay put in bed and kept coming downstairs to crawl and cuddle in S's lap. I told him he needed to do what he needs to do (put her butt in bed and make it stay there!!!) and so we had an argument about that, him saying he was going to do it, but do it his way. I said he was allowing her to walk all over him and I refused to let a child run this household. Plus I pointed out that when he is lax with the rules, and she doesn't think she really needs to obey us, then the next day when he goes to work, I'm the one that is left dealing with her and her little attitude, and that is not fair to me!!!

So after much discussion, some of it heated, he told her for the 4th time she needed to go to bed. [Side note: I made S do all of this b/c I am tired of being the disciplinarian/bad guy all the time. We've had fights about this in the past as well.] I told him that b/c of her behavior, she was not getting any ice cream on Sunday which is what we always do with her before we take her back to the whore and that he was going to tell her why; he agreed that was fair enough.

Sat. a.m. he went off to work, exhausted since he'd been up so late dealing with her and with me, and I decided that I wasn't going to take her to the Children's Museum on Sunday like I'd planned. I was just tired of being Super-Mom and taking her to have all this fun all the time like I always do. I decided she could run errands with me, which I needed to run, and it certainly wouldn't kill her! However, we did go to I-Fest, since I had our tickets already. I also decided that all her wanting to be carried everywhere is going to stop as well, and S is working on it with me.

S and I both agreed that 90% of the time, she is good. But I will not tolerate that 10% when she is bad; not in my house. I understand she is going to slip; but she will learn. That 10% is going to become 5%, then 3%, then 1%. I have read too many biographies to realize that it is possible to raise a well-behaved, well-mannered, obedient, respectful child. I'm specifically thinking about in black families where black grandmothers rule with an iron fist and you don't even dream of being bad, or you go out and cut your own switch!!! So although I'm not going to have the iron fist or switch-cutting, I am very big on her losing her privileges and extras, like ice cream and trips to the zoo and Children's Museum. Which is what happened this weekend!

I know that she's only going to be 5 next month. But I argued with S that kids are very smart, and they know exactly what they're doing. When she tries to manipulate us, she knows perfectly well she's doing it! But as her parents, it is our job to teach her. It's our responsibility. And I told S he can't have it both ways, having all this fun with her but then hesitating when it comes to discipline. I have learned that kids don't need their parents to be their friends; they're going to have plenty of friends, at school, in life, etc. But they only get 1 mom and 1 dad, and in the baby's case, she only has 1 decent mom, which is me. But I have to admit, in spite of all my tough talk, I'm still struggling with finding the right balance. For example: at La Mad at breakfast yesterday, we got her some strawberries and cream to eat and bread and jam. My French breakfast arrived a few minutes later via the waitstaff. She saw my plate, said, "Ooh, bacon!" and reached right over to take some. I said sharply, "Excuse me???" and she immediately withdrew her hand. And this is the 2nd time she's done this (the last time was last summer). I looked at S so he could talk to her (like I said, I'm tired of always being the bad guy) and he told her she needed to ask nicely and say please if she wanted some bacon. She looked down and wouldn't say anything, so we just went on talking and ignoring her. Finally after a few minutes, S asked her if she wanted some bacon, and told her what she needed to say. She said it quietly and I held my plate out to her and helped her. Later on I asked her if she wanted some more and she did.

Later S said that maybe she just got excited about seeing the bacon; I admit that's true, but I am still not going to put up with this Helen Keller crap. Anyone reading: your thoughts? Are we teaching her the way kids need to be taught? Suggestions? Like I said in a previous post: It is my goal to be one of the coolest moms around, with endless fun, enrichment, culture, support, encouragement, etc. And I think I've done an awesome job so far. But here's the catch: in return I expect nothing less than total obedience and respect. If you're going to be under my roof and be on the receiving end of all my love and awesomeness that I have to give, isn't that fair???